calling aliceband

[catherine_s]

here to help, whats up? thought it would be best to start a new thread

[Aliceband]

Thanks catherine, I am in a real dilemma.

you said in Steves post that getting back together with an ex can never work etc etc..... Trying to keep this brief!

Been in a long term relationship (4 yrs) we had a fall out lasting about 8 weeks. He rang me Sat night, came over, etc etc..........then afterwards he told me (not after much prompting) he had slept with someone else........

I hadnt, he had, its hurt me, because even though we were finished, we were emailing (occassionally) and he was telling me to get on with my life, he was not ready for a relationship. But now I find out he slept with another woman.....What do I do? hard to write it all here.

[laurence2]

Then afterwards etc etc?

4 years meant alot to him then?

[spk]

Do you still love him Aliceband? That kind of betrayel is very difficult to get over it happened to me before when we were on a "break" I couldnt stay with him it was too hard

[catherine_s]

oh honey thats awful, and as daft as this sounds theres nothing you can do to make the pain go away, except give it time. my ex and i were on a 'break' and during that break he cheated on me, and i was devistated. we tried to make it work, but it was falling apart and we split.

i didnt think i would ever get over what had happened and everyone said to me 'give it time' ..i wanted to hit them...but truely that is all you can do...the worst thing to do is get back with him, because even though you werent technically together, you will still feel betrayed by what he did

all you can do is give it time, and dont hold onto something that is too painful for you, my ex and i tried to do the friend thing, but now he has another girlfriend and ive had a few casual flings, its too much baggage to include someone in your life who is capable of causing you so much hurt

even after we split my ex and i were still argueing, so we agreed to not talk to each other for a while, and we didnt, for 3 months, it was the best thing we could have done..now we're getting on fine, but its not a fantastic friendship, but ive had the time to realise thats not what i wanted, so you need that time too, and just be strong and remember that it will get better

hope that all helps honey

[Aliceband]

Thats whats in my head Lawrence. 4 years is a bloody long time to be with someone. It is to me. A few weeks ago, he emailed me, telling me to get on with my life, and that he was not ready for a relationship. Then he tells me he slept with someone else! Geez,

[jno]

Alice I know this wasn't aimed at me... but for what it's worth I've known people get back together and make it work, and others who've managed to stay friends though not lovers. However... it depends very much on the individuals, and the reason for breaking up in the first place. You two don't quite seem to have had a meeting of minds. He figured he was single, and went out and did what single guys do. You figured... what exactly? That you might get back together after all, and then were upset that he'd found someone else? That he'd been lying to you about not having anyone else? That it was painful that he'd replaced you so quickly?

These all seem pretty natural responses to a breakup; and though it must have seemed like a kick in the teeth it was actually good of him to tell you straight away. (Imagine if he hadn't told you, but strung you along?) It doesn't sound from what you say that he wants to get back together, but it does sound that he's trying to treat you kindly, which means it would be worth trying to keep him as a friend.

[laurence2]

can someone explain the word ''BREAK'' its banded about like a licence to sleep with someone else then go back to your partner as all is forgiven.

How many ''BREAKS'' are you allowed in a relationship then?

[Aliceband]

Spk, I think I am an idiot, but still love him, in the past he has also texted some girl he met in a nightclub (she gave him her number so he felt obliged to reply!) kissed someone woman from work. Finished with me before, yet I still want him back. I am a very strong woman, believe it or not. But since weekend and finding out about his "fling" he just wants me to forget it and move on.

[jno]

stared writing before those other posts were there... trouble is, there's no etiquette about what 'a break' means. Men think it means they're single again. Women think it means they're still in a relationship but in different houses. Best advice, really, if you're having a break is to discuss in advance what it actually means to you. Alice I think it means you've parted for good - he already had; and now you are too hurt to want to go on. But nothing you've said convicnes me he's actually a bad person.

[jno]

posts crossed again, okay, now you have convinced me he's unreliable. So I think you're better apart.

[steve208]

well i think if you have to go on a break you may as well add up to the end. sorry to barge in alice but thinking...yes as a man i do this thinking thing now and again i should have know better than to get back with my gf. ive had this before where i have split with a girl and got back it doesnt work...the only time it may work is if the split is amicable say over distance and u stay friends and get together years later when some water has passed under the bridge.

cathrine - yes strange using it like a forum but good to chat. u always up this late?!

[Aliceband]

Catherine, the daft thing is, I had almost gotten over him. The he rings me, out of the blue and invites himself over, and I accept it.........then on Sunday, he tells me he had slept with someone else.....God, I felt such a fool.... he says he feels bad about it. and thats why he was honest with me. Am I just being a mug? I dont know

[catherine_s]

you wont be able to forget it and move on, but the best thing to do is not make it an issue with him. it sounds like you were totally separated and not on a break (which i agree are totally stupid) so he probably thinks that you shouldnt have a problem with it...the fact that you do is understandable, but he wont understand it, you just have to deal with the pain and (as tempting as it sounds) not make him suffer for it, the best thing to do with this guy is try to get some space between the two of you and allow time to heal the wounds, then you can address the friendship thing again. in regards to still loving him, thats to be expected, its hard to stop loving someone you've been with for so long, i still love my ex and probably always will, but in time you learn to deal with that

[Aliceband]

jno, I thought it would work, on Saturday night when he came over, I thought things were fine, then on the Sunday, he started from saying he had met someone just for a coffee..........right down to, he had met someone and slept with her. He said he wanted to be honest with me, as he didnt want it to come out later..... This being the man, who has always pointed out his ex's to me in the past.............too much information dont you think?

[spk]

aliceband- I know how you feel. Parts of me still love my ex but I know that doesnt mean we should be together anymore. I think that sometimes you just have to accept things in life and move on. And if a man makes you sad more than he makes you happy he is not worth hanging around for. Its so hard though I wish you well with whatever you decide to do x

[catherine_s]

youre not a mug...and its actually quite decent of him to tell you about it, its obviously been on his mind otherwise he would have kept it from you. i found i went through stages with my ex, thinking i was over it, then it all crashing down on me, i was so level headed until i found out he'd got a new girlfriend...my world fell apart (despite me then being on my second guy since we split =$) i think him saying he felt bad about it is the truth, and he deserves a bit of credit for that perhaps

steve...i dont usually last past about 11pm these days, but ive felt ignored today so its nice to chat to ppl!

[laurence2]

Alice, hes the ''MUG'' for not reading your mind.

You seem a sensible lady, but don't get blinded by him, he sounds like a womaniser, and coming out with the old classic, forget the fling and lets move on, oh spare me please, the geezer sounds like a right muppet

Just dump him, your the one who is going to get hurt

[Aliceband]

yes Lawrence, what is a break? After he told me about his sexual encounter with someone else, I said to him, how would you feel if I had slept with somone else? he said he would feel exactly the same as I do. But he wouldnt want to know the details. Well I didint ask for any details either.

Catherine, its hard not to make it an issue, its there in the back of my mind. Horrible to say, but the visuals. I really dont know what to do... it had taken me all my time to get over him... Now he is back playing mind F*ck. (excuse the expression)

[spk]

aliceband- maybe YOU need a break from him for a few weeks- see how you really feel about it with a bit of space.

[steve208]

us men are terrible arent we? Im certianly going to be true in my next relationship and im going to make it one closer to home not 150 miles away.

I feel for you alice with it being a four year relationship i found it hard when one of 2 years ended.

can i be rude and ask how old ppl on the thread are? im 23...you dont have to say ur age im just curious. say 20's 30's etc if u want.

cathrine i think you are 28 and i think alice you are 32...only guesses so please dont kill me if have caused offence by going too old!