Cheating on a partner

[cymruambyth1]

I have been with my partner for 4 years, and on Friday I cheated on him! I had sex with someone else. This is completely unlike me, yeah i was drunk but why did i do it? I dont understand. My partner and I dont really have sex that often anymore, me sleeping with someone else, is that because i dont want to be with my partner anymore? Or is just trying to get attention from someone else? I am just a bit confused, can you still be with someone even though you dont really have sex anymore?? I am only 21 but i do really love my boyfriend. Please any advice would be appreciated x

[dot.hawkes]

You sound confused but that is probably more guilt than confusion. you don't love your partner and this was inevitable. Thius is the sort of behavior that gets you the wrong sort of attention and ruins lives, it's not an age thing because I would guess you woul;d do this at any age if you were with someone you really had little or no love for. My words sound harsh read back but i am often blunt with my own kids when they do daft tricks like this, I may even get abuse for being so cruel to you, but I think your own mum would probably tell u just the same.

[raysparx]

Hi walesforever, I think you need a serious think about your future with the present boyfriend,how many other boyfriends have you had?, It could be that you are just staying together because it's comfortable,and to much hassle to move on,you were very young when you got together,you also say you really love him,do you? I don't think the fact you were drunk is a reason or an excuse,you have a lot of serious thinking to do,but don't just stay with him because it is hard to break up,If you are in one of the small villages or towns in Wales,he will find out anyway won't he!

Pob luc cariad, Ray xx

[Loosehead]

I agree with dot, clearly you do not think very much of your current boyfriend and I get the feeling that you know it but you are in the comfort zone of a relationship. Why else would you do it? Have you any idea how devastated he would feel if he found out? I think you owe it to him to set him free.

Is this a one night stand or did you build up to the situation with the other person? If it's the former then..... well and if the latter it would be pre meditated. Either way, it's goodnight I'm afraid.

[198x]

As for the question - can you still be with someone even though you dont really have sex anymore??

The answer is yes. I haven't had sex with my partner for 4 years due to vestibuladynia but we still love each other as much with or without it.

[Poglet]

lifes too short sweetheart, make the break now. you love your boyfriend, but you are not in love with him. your relationship sounds like its turned paternal, like brother and sister. move on, him too, its for the best :) and be careful, the bloke you had sex with probably just did it for fun, dont mess up your life for a loser x

[Drusilla1S]

I have to agree with the other remarks. You don't cheat on someone you are in love with.

There are people in 'open' relationships who are quite happy to have sex with other people, but even then the relationship is based on a joint understanding and not secretive trysts behind a partner's back.

Maybe it's time to reassess your relationship in an honest and thoughtful manner. Don't be frightened to move on if necessary and don't let guilt influence your decision. At 21, you should be looking for a fulfilling sex life and not settling for an affectionate comfort zone in which sex is of secondary importance.

[cymruambyth1]

cheers guys for all the advice! It has really helped!

I know some of you may think I am a bitch for doing this, in a way i dont feel guilty cos it was just sex with this guy, everything else with my boyfriend is great, just not the sex, and i had to go and find it somewhere, might sound weird but i would forgive him if he had a one night stand, cos it is just sex. It isnt making love.

Looks like I have a lot to think about!

[dot.hawkes]

ooooooooooooooooooo

[spk]

the only reason why people stray from their partner is because whether consciously or subconsciously they are looking for something or someone else. Make the break love he cant be right for you. Live your life you are too young to be settled x

[sassenach]

Ignore the judgmental answers, those people aren't in a position to judge you. You are young and not sure about your relationship, although you made a mistake it's completely understandable in my view. At 21 you are too young to settle for a relationship without sex. A platonic relationship might be OK for some but I think for most people it would not be, and clearly for you it is not otherwise this would not have happened. My advice is unless you are sure it won't happen again and you can live with things as they are with your boyfriend, make the break as kindly as you can, and never let him know what happened.

[JSK]

u know what cymru..... its all part of life's experiences. dont dwell on it too much. i dont mean to sound horible saying this (and i dont mean this is a nasty way) but get over it and move on....and learn from it. learn how it made u feel. things happen, and its no excuse but everything happens for a reason.

[RogerMellie]

I was in exactly the same position as you, albeit I'm a bloke. My girlfriend, who I'd owned two houses with whom I was fairly settled, was just not a sexual person, finding it difficult to even talk about sex, whereas I'd had no complaints in that department from previous partners.

It dwelled on my mind for some time (years) until eventually I found myself in the position you are in - it was made clear to me that I was desired by another woman, and I strayed. It was, I have to say, wonderful, but followed by the immense feelings of guilt you are probably feeling now - I am a person who holds a lot of stead in the concept of fidelity and I felt horrible for cheating, but at the same time I felt I was being "cheated" out of something by my then partner.

continued....

[RogerMellie]

....

To cut a very long story short, this tale repeated itself over 5 years, with me sleeping with various people I met along the way. Eventually I met someone who I totally fell for, who said there was nothing happening whilst I had a girlfriend........cue one large decision which has led to me losing a partner, gaining a new one, losing a fortune on property, and a lot of freinds when the inevitable division of mates comes along.

And do you know what? Aftter all that, my only feeling is that I now realise, after a whole drawn out process over many years, I should have woken up and smelled the coffee the first time it happened. Like me, you probably know something isn't right in your relationship, otherwise you wouldn't have done it. When I asked myself "How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot?", I knew there was only one answer.

For the record, I'm now 2 yrs into a reationship with the woman who gave me the ultimatum, I've never looked elsewhere during that time and don't think I ever will do. I had a terrible time thinking I was a really bad person but what it came down to was that I liked sex, with a willing partner, and don't think its a crime to want that.

Don't tie yourself up in knots hoping that things will get better with your current boyf is my advice, from experience. I also loved my girlfriend, in the respect that she was a thoroughly decent person who I find it hard to speak ill of, but the spark was long gone and something had to be done.

Hope it all works out - it doesn't give you a great feleing does it, hence your question?

[cymruambyth1]

Thanks Roger! It was answers like that that i wanted. someone who had actually been in the situation and wasnt just being judgmental.

I think i know what i need to do, it is just doing it! The spark has indeed gone, and now i have had sex with someone else i feel i dont need to do it again, My current partner was the first person i slept with, and i guess i just wanted to see what it was like with someone else! Again its just thinking about what the next step should be! Your answer really helped Roger! Thanks

[ryu]

im can see everything,do you have brown curly hair?are you fairly short?does your first name begin with a j?

[duracell_uk]

Rogermellie,

i know exactly where u coming from... would love to talk to u about similar experiences. possible?

dura

[RogerMellie]

I'm always here Duracell - drop into the AB once a day or so....

[cymruambyth1]

Well i told my partner what happened. couldnt keep it from him in the end.

So now he is deciding what to do next.

Cheers for all the advice.x

[RogerMellie]

Hope my advice was helpful cymruambyth1, very nice to be thanked.

Just bear in mind from someone who's been there, you only live once and life's too short not to look after No.1. Hope it all works out - you are prob about to experience the storm before the calm!