We keep arguing

[suzi-q]

My husband and I keep arguing about just one issue. We love each other very very much but this problem keeps coming up and we argue about it ineffectually but painfully almost every weekend. It really, really hurts that we have a problem we can't solve between us because I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I love him so much. I can't make the problem go away, its one of those things that theres no choice about.

[Pippa68]

Without knowing what the problem is I am not sure I can help..not that I am being nosey ~ it is just difficult to know how to solve this without knowing :o)

[peterd]

Go on be a devil, tell us what you argue about

[PinkFizz]

as the other two said - we cant really help if we don't have a clue what the issue is.We can offer help when we have an idea of what the problem is.x

[Octavius]

If this is something that has been going on for some time and you both do genuinely want to get over this issue and move on with your lives (together or apart) then perhaps it is time to seek some proper help/mediation.

http://www.relate.org.uk/

[suzi-q]

I have 2 teenage boys. He gets on ok with them and would do anything for them, but they irritate him sometimes, I suppose he finds it a bit suffocating that they are always around. They are typical teens not bad, not brilliant. They are going to be around for at least the next 3 years. I adore my boys. Hes taken them on financially and does a lot for them in practical ways, i.e. with mopeds etc. One went snooping through our bedroom a couple of years ago and he cant seem to forget that so doesnt really trust that one but does get on better with him as time goes on. The other he gets on well with but at 16 hes a bit lazy and the latest is that hubby feels he should do more hours at his part time job. Thats the problem and its fine during the week when we are busy etc, but when we are all at home at weekend it drives him nuts frequently. He doesnt row with them and we dont row in front of them. But he stews and mulls on it then we argue when we go to bed. I know that with time the problem will be solved when my boys leave home but I dont want the next few years, the early years of our marriage to be marred by rows. And I want them all to have a good relationship in the future as Im a family person. We dont row about anything else, everyone thinks we are made for each other. Thats how it feels when we are together. Except when this happens.

[fat rascal]

he took you on as a package..... and it must be hard learning to live with 2 teens.... is there aything that you could do on a weekend to give yourselve time alone?...not sure what to say?

[Hermit]

He should forgive the lad for snooping. I think its pretty normal for a teenager. Maybe he just wants more time alone with you and perhaps as your boys are teenagers he should be honest and tell them that he wonders whether everyone would benefit from you and him spending some time alone leaving them to entertain themselves or whether they would begrudge it. Its hard to make sure step children don;t feel they are being shunted off but there's a good chance that as teenagers they just wish you would clear off for much of the weekend and leave them in peace to have mates over and do all they things they really shouldn't but as teenagers we all do.

[suzi-q]

I have said that next weekend I want to go out and do something just the two of us. The boys dont get up til god knows when anyway. But hes a bit of a stick in the mud - in the nicest possible way - hes happiest at home. I think too much focus is going onto this problem, its as if theres nothing else to think about. I want to join a gym or something. We are not very well off so can't afford to do anything expensive.

[suzi-q]

Also re having mates over - he absolutely hates the idea - hes just not used to going out and not just locking up and knowing he'll come back to things just as he left them. He doesnt mind them having mates over but only when we are in.

[unruliejulie]

I think you'd all be happier if he could lighten up a bit (in the nicest way) They should be off out and about or be allowed mates over whilst you two are out. It could be that he thinks the lad may take his mate snooping with him. Like it was said before, snooping is usual. I used to do it! Its summer, you should all try and get out and do something, either together as a family, or on your own as a couple. Two teenage lads should derfinately be out making the most of their youth not stuck indoors.

[suzi-q]

Thats so true. I know he should get over the lad snooping. He just aint used to kids. I wish the boys would get up and out a bit more. The older one has a car and is more out than in. The younger one, well hes a lovely lad, but so laid back hes horizontal. Hes just a lovely boy but rather lazy and unmotivated. Wish he would go out and play footy more often or whatever. Anyway we plod on - we are going on holiday abroad in July and I insisted on taking the younger one and his mate with us. I just felt so guilty at the thought of not taking him. The older one doesnt want to come of course. Does anyone think Im unreasonable to take my son - should I have let hubby and I go alone? We can only afford one holiday so its so important that we all enjoy it.

[Pippa68]

Some great advice there!

First of all I would like to say that this is most probably a problem for millions of couples out there raising kids..I know my husband and I have been through it and will no doubt continue to do so ;o)

I agree your hubby needs to lighten up ~ I arranged to go out for a meal with my hubby in order to talk our parenting through a bit..this was an ideal setting as we couldn't argue in front of other diners! we spoke softly & rationally, both stating our own viewpoints & things we weren't happy with. Your sons are perfectly normal kids..we have had to tackle the snooping problem too, as I am sure others have.

Don't believe for one second that your sons don't know there is conflict, even if you do it out of earshot or behind closed doors. Kids know when there is discord. If your husband wants to sort out the problems too then he should be willing to discuss it with you in a calmer way.

[unruliejulie]

Not at all, i would think it a bit off if you didn't take him. I am on my second marriage and things with my son haven't always been easy tyo say the least but thank God, now hes a teenager, we seem to have come out the other side. I do believe in your kids coming first though. How old are these two boys of yours anyway?

[andy-hughes]

I do sympathise, and understand to an extent. My wife's daughters were six and four when we met - they are 31 and 29 now, and we have a 17-year-old daughter still at home, so I know the feeling of being 'crowded'.

The pressure is there because you feel loyalty to your children, of course, and loyalty to him, and you feel stick in the middle.

This can be sorted out by talking things over. Everyone sit down, and you as parents explain that you need some time to yourselves, so could they make themselves scarce occasionally, not for the whole weekend, maybe a day one weekend, an evening the next, so you have some time together.

Equally, your husband needs to accept that his sons are growing up, and it is a difficult time for all as they find their way in the world. Maybe he could spend some time with them at the weekend, and let you have some time to go out with friends, slob in front of the telly, what ever.

You must stress that you are a family, and this discussion is for anyone's benefit, and you don't want anyone to feel crowded out, including you two as parents.

Treat your lads like adults, and encurage them to behave like adults, and this can be sorted out, with patience and tact.

Re. the 'snooping' incicent - your husband has to learn to put this behind him - that's what curious teenagers do, not nice, but human, and forgivable - the other option os for it to fester, which is wrong. Your husband must be the adult here - accept it was wrong, but it's done now, and it;s time to move on.

Good luck - let us know how things go.

[suzi-q]

The boys are 16 and 18. The 18 yr old lives away from home for work mon-fri so is only home at week ends and more or less comes and go as he pleases. He doesnt have a lot of time for my husband although they are creeping towards a better understanding. He tends to speak when he wants something done on his car or his hair trimming or whatever. A bit selfish but probably normal. The 16 yr old is ok but has left school now and is going to college in Sept. He is working 12 hrs a week in a supermarket. Hes happy with that but hubby thinks he should do more hours as hes always asking for money.

[unruliejulie]

I think thats a general bone of contention with any teenagers suzi-q.At least he's doing some work which is a good thing.Some of them won't even do any.When he starts college i would imagine he'll meet new friends and maybe he'll start going out more at the weekends.Perhaps it would be a good idea to all sit down and talk about it together instead of it just causing rows beteween you and your hubby.Our natural instinct as Mums is to stick up for our kids, no matter what.He did take you all on so its no good falling out about such things, try and come to a compromise between you all. Good luck i wish you all the best, its never easy. X

[suzi-q]

Thanks all for your answers. I sometimes think Im going mad because theres no one I can talk to about this. On one hand Ive got this wonderful new husband who'd do anything for me. He helps rounds the house!!! He never shouts or swears at me, hes loving, sexy, kind, generous and generally gorgeous. On the other hand he struggles so hard with building relationships with the boys - and yes the natural instinct is to defend our kids - we are all tigers when we feel our kids under attack even verbally.

[unruliejulie]

i used to hate it when my now Husband critisized my boy, i felt it was a slur on me as a parent, taking it all very personally. It alsways caused heaps of rows with me sticking up for my son no matter what, which i admit, was not always the right thing to do because sometimes he had a very good point. I just didn't want to see it. I also think there is a certain amount of guilt about bringing someone else into their lives who gives them a hard time.He sounds like a good man and a great husband, so you may just have to sit back and let him have his moan and let it wash over you. It will get easier with time especially with them getting to an age where there gonna be independant very soon. Don't bottle it up, you can always talk to someone on here xxx

[B00]

I knew it!

I knew it would be kids, especially step kids, that'd be at the bottom of this.

Me and Mr Boo only ever argue or disagree over my teen daughter from a previous marriage. We've now come to the point that we make a massive point of not arguing over her, especially over the endearing (!) stunts she pulls.

Hope you can both come through this.

Take care :-)

[lord molly]

being a marrade consultant, i ma be able to aid you both, firstly by not telling me what the problem it, its hard to help, but fear not.

you obviously dissagree about the issue, what ever it mab be. the best way to solve it is to both sit down and explain to each other what it is that you do no agree with, then to please yu both, you could meet half way, or so to speak.