Help! Can I trust him?

[jkkerr]

I stupidly read my new man's texts a few weeks ago and found texts between him and his female 'friend'.

The texts were flirty and they had obviously spent time together the night before. I would have given him the benefit of the doubt but he told her he didn't want to mess her about and that she had looked sexy.

When I saw him after all this (before I had read the texts) he never mentioned that he had been with her and said he had a boring time.

I feel sick with myself but I have since read his texts several times (although there have been times when i have controlled myself and managed not to) and I know he has seen her since, but when he tells me what he has been doing he doesn't mention her.

Plus, I think he's seeing her tonight when he knows I'll be away.

......On the other hand! We spend loads of time together and he is really lovely.

If I tell him I've read his texts he will finish it whether or not something has been going on, but if i don't clear this up one way or another I will go crazy!

help...

[Fletcher500]

oopsadaisy - you have commited the cardinal sin

never never ever read your partner's texts.

i did and i found what i was looking for so confronted partner who denied anything was going on, but the bond of trust was bust and we never made it. i wish i'd never looked. the partner wasnt up to anything.

do you genuinely believe you have reason to mistrust your fella? if so, address him and the issue. if not, let it go.

[blue eyes ;)]

trust your instincts! in your mind and my mind you know that its not innocent messages when he tells her she looked sexy!? personally i would just finish it with him however much i liked him as i wouldnt be able to trust him again anyway.or..... do you know where he goes out?im the type to spy and find out for myself...then i would ditch him.i dont mean to be horrible but i think hes seeing her as well as you.its not fair on you to worry over him and hes obviously a rat!! xx

[atolhurst]

Reading texts - bad. Boyfriend lying to you - also bad.

As you said yourself, you need to know if something's going on or you'll go crazy so you're going to have to confess all and then ask him to be honest with you about those messages and the context of his relationship with this other girl.

If he doesn't like the fact that you read his phone (likely)then you'll have to deal the upshot of that. But you have a right to be in a relationship with someone who's not flirting (if not more?) with another lass and lying to you about it.

It's a new relationship so best to nip it in the bud now. And if it doesn't last then he's clearly not the one.

[goldheart]

Hi jkkerr

I think (in my experience, and believe me Ive had this happen a few times), you have to confront him. People will say that you shouldnt be snooping on his phone, but then he shouldnt be seeing someone else and be lying to you also. If things are innocent with this girl then you would know about it, my current boyfriend knows about my male friends and if we meet up now and again, he always has a chance of coming along if he wants. If he's a NEW man then you have to nip it in the bud and let him know that you wont put up with that sort of thing, it may work, it may not but only time will tell. If you think he is going to meet this girl this evening when you are away, can you not cancel or come home early or leave later? I feel bad for you, its horrible but you need to get the bull by the horns!! Good Luck! remember, what goes around comes around!

[4getmenot]

You answered your own question. Do you trust him? No, otherwise you wouldnt be asking us and you would NEVER look at his txts. :-) Can you trust him? Maybe given time.

[Octavius]

I think the question should be, can he trust me?

[Gevs1966]

Hang on a sec, these messages could be very innocent. I have a very close female friend who I would text and say she looked sexy. That doesn't mean I'm sleeping with her or want to. If a woman texted another woman saying that she looked sexy last night would you all automatically assume she was a lesbian..?

This guy hasn't actually lied to you either, from what you say he is just vague about what he gets up to (which most blokes are like I might add).

You are in the wrong here but don't worry, all the women on here will come and cut your blokes balls off after only hearing your side of things to make you feel better!

Why do you think blokes don't give too much away to girls these days? Its probably because women read far too much into every little thing and over react to non existent threats to their womanhood out of petty minded paranoia.

Rant over!

[goldheart]

i say B*llocks to Gev1996 - blokes will definately say stuff like that. I dont think its right. If my dad found texts from my mum like that, he would hit the roof. Be honest, sending flirty texts and saying another girl looked sexy and that they had met up doesnt sound innocent. If it is, then he would tell you. A typical bloke would use that as an excuse as to why he DIDNT tell you!!!

Rant over!!

[jkkerr]

Thanks everyone

To be honest the first time i looked it was just out of curiousity, but as soon as I read the texts I wished I hadn't.

The thing is, he acts so lovingly towards me that I am reluctant to bring it up because it's so nice to spend time with him.

Maybe I could just try to handle it and accept that he also has feelings for someone else?

i know that sounds pathetic, but it may be the only option i can face!

[jkkerr]

Gevs, I get your point and would normally say the same thing! But the exact words were

"Sorry about last night. Don't want to mess you about. You looked very horny last night. Couldn't help myself. Sorry".

Her reply:
"Ditto! Don't Apologise. You looked like you enjoyed it as much as I did"

So, what would you think?

[4getmenot]

I�d tell him. If he really cares he�ll get over the fact that you looked at his texts but if its niggling on your mind you have to say it no matter what and don�t let him make you feel bad for looking. I mean you should feel bad but don�t let him go on about the fact you looked and make sure you get a good explanation about why he is saying these things to anyone but you. Good luck.

[4getmenot]

well Jkkerr i've just read above post he'd be out the door, if he agreed with you reading his texts or not.

[caz21]

Sorry hun, but sounds to me like they go up to something! maybe a kiss? I'd tell him! you need to know, you have more to forgive him for if this is the case than he does to you for reading his messages! If neither of you can your better off without him! souunds like if he was doing something he shouldnt with her he would do it again!

Trust your instincts like blue eyes says! plenty more fish and all that, you deserve better!! xx

[~posy-jo~]

looking at the texts it sounds to me like he did something with her then realised he shouldn't of which is why he said sorry for messing her around. but then he is seeing her again tonight. u need to find a way of asking him about it without revealing that u read the texts to see if he admits anything. if not that then just keep pretending that everything is normal and check his texts again in a week and see what it says then. if u think beyond reasonable doubt that he has done something then get out of the relationship. i hope it all turns out ok for u xXx

[Octavius]

I think it's over. You cannot trust him, and your snooping means he can never trust you. A relationship like this is doomed. Sorry.

[jkkerr]

Cheers Octavius, I feel completely gutted and will probably vomit at some point over this weekend with the stress of it all but at least when it's all over and done I will remain a sympathetic person x

[jkkerr]

Thanks everyone, I have got a few days before I'll see him again so will have to try and get my head round this.

I'm going to have to ask him.

I'll let you know how it goes.

[Octavius]

Just reading your posts generally jkkerr, but this may have been a kiss or a snog, at worst it might have been �one thing lead to another�. In any event, the bond of trust is broken, and as mentioned above, things may never be the same again, or may take a long while to resolve.

I am sorry that this hurts, but you are asking us what we think.

[Gevs1966]

jkkerr, you didn't say that in you original post. The point I was making is that a lot of people on here seems to act as judge jury and executioner without knowing the full facts!

Know that you have explained a bit further it would appear that something has happend between them one night. The next step is down to you, but I would say to err on the side of caution.

ps in my opinion it is still wrong to invade someones privacy in that way, even if you may have had cause to do so.

[WendyS]

No, he's not lovely.
He's a cheat. And he lies to you.
And if he was serious about you he would be perfectly open about his friendship with another female.

Don't admit you've read his texts. You shouldn't have been invading his privacy but now you have and you have no excuse for being cheated on. Just tell him nicely that you've been thinking about it and don't think you have a future together.