Which way do I go?

[Notsure]

I have been with my lovely fella for 5 yrs now and we have a three yr old daughter. However recently I met the most wonderful guy who is sexy caring and funny. It has made me realise I don't fancy my boyfriend. Also I have always been part of a couple since I was 14 ( Im 22 now) and I crave some freedom. Do I do the right thing and keep my little girl with her dad even if I don't particularly want to be there or do I do something for me? My head is all over the place.

[4getmenot]

Have you done anything with this new man? Is this just a case of a bit of attention from another man? Think real hard as this new bloke may not want you and a child.

[raysparx]

Hi Notsure,

One of the downsides of becoming to commited to young,what you are going through,you should have gone through before you settled down,of course you crave freedom you are so young, you should be out clubbing,nights out,Holidays, but you chose not to,now someone is showing an interest or sparked an interest in you, you are realising what you have missed out on,

But not that simple is it ! you have a child so you can't do those things,you need to do some serious thinking,you have a child the child comes first, no one can tell you what to do,it's your call,just don't do something stupid you will regret in 10 years time, Take your time deciding, Ray

[4getmenot]

The child doesnt necessarily come first, well it does but in a way that you have to know what will make the child happy too but I hate people that stay together for the sake of a child when it is probably better that the child doesnt grow up seeing you unhappy. But it doesnt seem as if you are unhappy with the father just missing something. So no-one on here can tell you what you should do at all. You just have to be happy within yourself.

[raysparx]

Hi 4getmenot,

I would never suggest staying together "just for the sake of the child" but the kiddie is the prime concern,and as you say she is not unhappy just a sudden dawning of what she hasn't done, not what she has, or is just wanting to find out if the grass is greener? maybe it is for a little while,but as we both say,we can't tell Notsure what to do, Ray

[Notsure]

I have had a kiss and a cuddle with this new man and we talk about how good we could be togethher. Im not sure if its him I want or just to find out what its like to be me and have nobody to worry about apart from my girl. I think I want to have the chance to get to know him better cos I can't seem to get him out my head. I think I may be going crazy.

[atolhurst]

If you've never been on your own and now crave some freedom, why are you considering jumping from your current partner to this new guy? Perhaps this is just my interpretation but getting some 'freedom' would be striking out on your own for a while, maybe?

If you don't love your partner any more, then you can't kid yourself about that and shouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship (regardless of whether there's a child involved or not). Doing the right thing involves doing right by yourself as well as other people; have you thought about whether your partner wants to be in a relationship where there's no love or passion?

However, if you just don't 'fancy' your partner any more, perhaps you ougt to try and address what's changed (relationship counselling maybe) before chucking it all in. You owe yourself, him and your child that at least.

Do remember that the new guy might seem like a more attractive option right now - but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Either way, you do have a responsibility to your child not to jump in and out of new relationships, if they are likely to meet the new men in your life.

[4getmenot]

Hi Ray that�s what I meant, I read yours back and totally agree, the happiness of the child is important but a child will sense if you are unhappy staying with the father. So you�ve had a kiss and a cuddle and he SAYS he wants to be with you, but don�t be fooled as there are plenty of men out there that do and say things as a mind game to see if they can get you then don�t want to know when you are available. He may just be falling for the whole something he cant have.

[raysparx]

Hi Notsure,

What you are doing is exciting,it's different, it's what you should be doing at your age,when you are older you will tell your daughter to Never settle down young,don't do what I did,go out see the world enjoy your life while you are young,

An affair might seem exciting, disapoint you in the end,

Is it just lust you yearn, I think you know it isn't necesarily him,just the freedom to have the choice you yearn, Take care, Ray xx

[Notsure]

I think you are right I really don't want to jump into another relationship. I dont really know him well enough to chuck what I have got at home away. I just feel trapped. And I definetly dont want to have an affair.

[unruliejulie]

personally i would never stay with someone for the sake of the kids. My parents did that and it was a nightmare, i wish it had ended when they became unhappy. I also think life is too short to stay with someone you no longer love but the grass is not always greener so i wouldn't leave just for this other bloke. Once the s**t hits the fan, he could well do a runner. Leave for yourself and have some time on your own would be my advice. You are so young and could end up in exactly the same situation as you are now, tied down when you need to live your life a little bit first. Good luck, whichever way you decide, it's not going to be easy X

[RogK]

I agree with atolhurst. The grass is hardly EVER greener on the other side.

[Notsure]

I think I need to give it some time. Do you think its fair do put my current through a test? There is a day coming soon which sends me into a bit of a depression and he forgets it which really hurts. I don't know if I will be able to forgive him this time.

[Starbar]

Sounds like youy need to grow up, stand by your commitments, work harder at your relationship, communication between you and your partner seems to require improvement.
As the saying goes, YOU'VE MADE YOUR BED, SO LIE ON IT !.

[caz21]

Sounds to me like your setting him up to fail hun, if as you said he never remembers, whats going to be any different this time? its a horrible feeling when people dont remember things that are important to us but maybe (and if i'm wrong ignore me) but if this day affects you and not him, then thats why he wont be able to remember the same.

Dont use him forgetting again as a test because, i think you probably know the answer already! x

[unruliejulie]

so Starbar, she should grow up should she and stay in a relationship that doesn't make them happy!!!! Thats a bit of an unrealistic view to take. Life is short, yes, we make wrong decisions but that doesn't mean we can't ever do whats right for us in the long run surely????? Take my word for it, i know that unhappy parents make their childs lives a misery. I lived through it so i would never ever say you made your bed, lie in it. Harsh, she is only after all 23, still so young. It is also very unfair on her partner to stay with him if she doesn't love him as she did. He needs someone who will love him back equally.

[Notsure]

Caz you are probably right, but if after all this time he cant remember the anniversary of my mums death when it breaks my heart all over again every year then I dont know if he really cares as much as hed have me think?

[Notsure]

Thankyou unruliejulie. I dont like being told to grow up by people who dont know me therefore dont know my levels of maturity

[4getmenot]

Dont worry notsure it would seem Grow up is starbars favourite sentence today.

[WendyS]

You had your daughter at 19, which is quite young and have been in this relationship for five years. Of course the relationship will change over the years and lose some of its initial glamour. However, you are now experiencing the adult world where nothing ever remains rosily tinted for ever . The reality of day-to-day living inevitably arrives for everybody and this is what you commited to when you had your child. She needs stability in her life. I hate to say this, but you should have thought about enjoying your freedom before you bought a child into the world. At that point your life changed irrevocably until she's adult enough to look after herself. Did you really not think seriously about what you were commiting to at the time? You say you have a lovely partner. Are you just going to cast him off because you don't want to accept the realities and responsibilities of adult life, and of being a parent? All of us meet new members of the opposite sex from time to time who are "sexy, caring and funny" but we don't walk away from our existing commitments just to see whether the grass is greener on the other side. Please work at this relationship - your partner appears to have done nothing wrong and he doesn't deserve to be tossed to one side just because you want some excitement and freedom. you want some "freedom", try and find a new hobby, or learn a new skill which will give you a greater sense of your own identity. You have other responsibilities now, as well as to yourself. 22 may still seem very young to have to accept them but they were the choices you freely made. at the time You may claim to have made them immaturely but that is why it is sensible to think seriously about the major life decisions you make. Your first serious decision needs to be about your young daughter's well being, and not about your own.

[caz21]

Have you talked to him about how you're feeling? Tell him you would like some support as its the anniversary coming up and you are feeling down about it, and see how he is then, maybe he just needs a reminder beforehand? also i'm thinking you probably feel guilty, bad, etc for kissing this new bloke, and may be trying to push him away to ease your feelings? (I'm only guessing as thats how i felt once with an ex though!)

Take a step back and look at how you feel deep down about him, dont even bring the other guy in to the equasion, maybe wright down a pros and cons list if it helps, and do what you feel is right, but dont rush into it because it could be a bad patch your going through that can be worked on if you want to! and i would advise you to talk to your partner about how you feel if he knew maybe he'd try harder to make you both happy again! x