Would you walk away from a relationship if you couldn't agree on marriage?

[Wee Kaz]

I''m 30 and have been in a loving relationship for 6 years now and the past year I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that my boyfriend doesn't want to get married simply coz he doesn't believe in it. He said it's not personal and loves me dearly but it's just the way he views it. We have talked very calmly about it all to try and see if we can agree on it but we are at loggerheads and have talked about going our seperate ways as we run into problems every time someone around us gets engaged/married etc. and it ends up puttin a strain on things.

I have tried hard to move on and forget about marriage as I love him very much but it's very hard as it's something I really believe in and I don't know if I can deny myself something I really believe in. Please don't be harsh as I am struggling here and need some sound advice not any nastyness :o( Has anyone experienced the same problem and how did it end up?

[minimonkey]

i completely agree....whilst i understand that everyone is entitled to live how they want to live i will never understand this.....so i am now off out for some afternoon drinking with my equally single mates.....maybe i will find the man of my drreams???

good luck ...i will be back next week x

[Wee Kaz]

You are probably away now Minimonkey but get lashed and enjoy yourself. Have a drink for me and lets burn our bras and get the voodoo dolls at the ready!

We deserve more than this surely, we are good people and shouldn't have to beg! It makes me so angry I could scream! speak soon x

[Amara]

Kaz if you're still there - can I ask if his parents marriage was not great for some time beofre they split - ie during his childhood?

[lilacben]

Hi I am sorry to hear about your problems but can see yours partners view also. Having parents that split up must be terrible. It is not the same thing but our daughter has a little girl,nearly nine now, and her poor little mind is in turmoil. My daughter is now married and has two more little girls and a baby boy. Her sisters and brother. but also two dads.My granddaughters real father sees her twice a week. We have behaveour problems with her and I am sure it is because of this. What will she think when she grows up.? My other daughter was with her partner for 6years, so happy they where liked joined at the hip.Got married and he walked out just after their first anniversary. So really and trully if you love each other why rock the boat what is a piece of paper? your love and commitment to each other should be enough. My husband and I have been married for 35 years next month,and are still happy but living together seems a lot better idea these days than getting married.I hope you dont think I have gone on but I just wanted you to see two sides of it. If there is a problem with your relationship other than this, than think hard about your futher together ,if not and you are really in love than just go with the flow, so to speak. my thoughts are with you all in this. Brenda xx

[WendyS]

this is a truly horrible dilemma for you. But let's look at one harsh reality for a moment and forget the romatic side of it. You are now 30 and could live until you're 90. That's another 60 years. Do you still want to spend all that time with your boyfiend not being married? Inevitably you will both grow older, probably invest in property together which will almost certainly at some mpoint take you over the Inheritance Tax level. And then one of you will die, possibly leaving the other with such a big tax bill as unmarried partners, that the survivor will have to sell their home to pay the tax bill. Is that a risk that you're going to hang around for 60 years for? No financial security in your old age? (and believe me, middle age and beyond creeps up sooner than you think !)
Somewhere out there, if you are patient enough and give your current heartbreak time to heal, will be somebody who loves you enough to want to commit to marriage and share the same dream that you do.
Your boyfriend is asking you to give up the ideal which is an intrinsic part of your belief in how you want to live your life. I suspect if you accept his terms you will never EVER be really happy again and this ache will sour the rest of your life. However hard it is, walk away now while you are still young enough to build a new life with somebody who shares your values and needs. When you're a wasted bitter old spinster it will sadly be too late.
"He's so private". "He very seldom gives me anything back". Your words speak volumes. After six years together you have not been able to change his behaviour in this respect. Do you really think he will change now?
Have some time apart and try to start thinking about how you can rebuild your life without him taking centre stage.

[joko]

on your death bed you will be looking back and thinking of all the wonderful years you had with this man and how much you love him - not one day, 50 odd years ago, when you wore white, said i do and got drunk.

don't throw away what could be the love of your life for this

why not look into blessing ceremonies?

they are not a legal marriage but a blessing of your union with ceremony, a do - whatever you want it to be like.

perhaps this could be a 'meeting in the middle'

also if he gets married to please you, it really won't mean very much to him will it? and therefore it will just be a fancy party rather that something with great meaning.

[lady_p_gold]

The fact is that you have a right to want to get married, and equally he has just as much right not to want to. However you have a right not to want to remain in a relationship where you are not married. The last post you made

"how can that be a difficult decision to make if you love someone so much"

shows to me that you have resentment brewing inside and I am sorry to say that I think that this will go on growing and eventually seriously damage your relationship anyway. Plus the fact that even if you did get married now he might be resentful as he will feel as if he was pushed into it, and you will always feel that he didn't really want to. I suppose he could equally say "how can she spoil everything when we were quite happy as we were". So ... I do wish you the best of luck but I think this has reached the end of the line. Also the fact that you have turned to us shows that you are having deep feelings and a germ of coldness growing. I think I would go my separate way and ... .if eventually he finds that he changes his mind, at least it will be coming from him, because I do not see any way out of this impasse now.

[Wee Kaz]

I have been trying to post an answer on to this all morning but it's not working, maybe my answer is too long. I will keep trying but the long and short of it is we talked he agreed to marry me and we are both happy. I will try and send the longer version if AB will let me! x x

[Wee Kaz]

This time!! Looks like my boyf did a lot of thinking. The prospect of losing me when his life won�t change if he does agree to marriage must've been his belief. He wants me to be happy & admits his life won't change having made that decision but mine would've if he didn't budge. I admit it's not easy knowing that he's did it under duress even though he's doing it for me and I wished things were different as every girl deserves to be proposed to &made to feel special but I just need to accept that cont.../

[Wee Kaz]

(Cont.../) I do feel that later down the line when we start talking about the plans etc he will start enjoying it & will realise that as terrifying as he thought. I'd like to let the dust settle for now and get the love back a bit coz I feel naturally there's hurt on both sides so will concentrate on getting things back on track & take it from there. He�s made the biggest gesture he could for me & I'm comforted by the fact that he must love me enough to make this compromise.He will never truly know how much this means to me.

Thanks to all you guys for your support and advice and hopefully I won't feel so desperate to have to put my private life out there again any time soon xxx

[lilacben]

Hi wee kaz, Congratulations I am so pleased for you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on.love my love Brenda xx