Suspicious Behaviour

[gleaveyweave]

Last night, I was driving back wth my kids from parents house and saw my hubby come off the roundabout in front of us and we followed 1 car behind him until the next roundabout about a mile from our house until we got caught behind a tractor and lost him. (he had not seen us). When I got home, he should have been there at least five minutes before but was not in, I assumed he'd popped to tesco. He arrived about 10 minutes later and when I asked if he had been to tesco he said no. I explained that we had seen him and asked where he'd been. He came out first with some weird story about disposing of some stuff from work in litter bins and that I should have seen him parked up near our road where he left his car to walk to the bin. Well I did not believe that at all and told him so. After several variations on this theme, he said ok, the truth is that I went to the video shop to try and get you a copy of Vera Drake (film i've never got round to seeing, but want to) cos I was still feeling guilty about Sunday night. (he had a few to many beers and was a pain in the arse!) I should point out that he had an affair a few years ago and there have been a couple of other issues since. I just don't know what to think? Anyone have an opinion? TIA x

[atolhurst]

I think the mistrust that has been there clealy still affects things. And of course this text from that woman at work says something to; I must say that telling someone you love them is quite a big thing and I'm not sure that a completely one sided crush could have got to that point without there being some encouragement from him.

I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that his behaviour looks rather suspicous (I take it he didn't come home with the video in question?) and that, after the affair and the rather dodgy text, and the funny story (with no video) you've found it quiet difficult to trust him and so on and so forth and see where you get to.

Although, with all that said, if he has a mobile then why use a payphone. That seems like a bit too much of a faff if you ask me.

Anyway, I think that even if he is telling the complete truth, the fact that you don;t trust him means there are some underlying things you need to try and work on with him. It's all well and good "forgiving" him for having an affair but if you can't move on whole heartedly, it kinda seems pointless.

I like Pink's idea of trying to get in touch with the woman who texted him though. See what she has to say.

Assuming he's told you he couldn't hire the video, have you try ringing the video shop to see if they have it in stock, btw? If they do, you know he's talking b*ll*cks.

[Octavius]

Whilst we can all add our two-penny worth and say �yes this is suspicious behaviour� or �no he could just be inadvertently doing something innocent� you need to ask some serious questions about your relationship and then some of your husband � and directly to him.

Nothing we say will put you at ease, most likely the ladies on this site would castrate him before he spoke. I don�t see what you contacting �this other woman� would achieve for you other than possibly embarrassment or heart ache, but that is your call (not meant to be a pun).

The person affecting you and your relationship at the moment is your husband and your doubts/insecurity. Thats where you should begin.

[eyeshade]

Why don't you go to the Video Store and ask if he called in for the film, chances are they will remember him if you ask who was on last night, do it quick though or else they will forget.

[caz247]

i wouldnt phone the other woman but i think you need to talk to hubby even if just for your own sanity. calling her would only make matters worse. i agree with pinkfizz i wouldnt have let on i seen him

[noxlumos]

Personally I think you are either going to have to take him at face value or accept that the mistrust created by his affair is still there ( reading texts on the sly etc) and admit that either you BOTH need to work on that or call it a day, as if you mistrust him on several occasions then it's all just going to go downhill and it'll be a waste of both your lives.Have a talk to him and see how you both feel.

[OBonio]

Call it off. Your marriage died a long time ago.

[crete]

obonio so direct

[Nemesis9]

There are a lot of very good, sensible answers on this thread.
I find myself in agreement with much of the advice given, particularly by Octavious.
However, I just wanted to add my own 'two penneth', and say that, in my own (anecdotal) experience, 'women's intuition' is generally a very reliable indicator of truth.
This is because, and it pains me to say it, women are generally much more sensitive to picking up and reading the 'signals' then men.
If you have reached the point that you are now giving voice to your suspicions, I would suspect that there is more o it than just simple insecurity. What it may be I couldn't say, but I think you need to tackle it with him.

[PinkFizz]

crete - yes I do have my sensible moments!!lol

I think gleaveyweave is in an awful situation that I would hate to be in.Good idea about the video shop - if they know you pretty well you could pop in and say do they have the film in now that you hubby tried to get out lastnight

[crete]

the film thing is rubbish

[PinkFizz]

stere -do you mean the idea of her going to shop or his story about going there to get a film out??

[PinkFizz]

*crete - excuse wierd spelling in prev post!!

[gleaveyweave]

I checked with the video shop and the guy working yesterday evening says he has no recollection of anyone coming in and asking for that film and he's sure he'd remember as it is a film that very few people want now. Trouble is, they don't have it in stock anyway so I can't go from that angle.
Thanks to all of you for your kind words and advice, in my heart of hearts I think that all of you who have said that my marriage is basically over, are right but I have two small children to consider so it's so much harder. Also I do love him but to quote a (rather cheesy) song, sometimes love just aint enough!
You are all lovely, thanks again x

[lady_p_gold]

Well like most people on here I think it is very suspicious and in conjunction with the text I would be very worried. However, before you speak to him I think you should think very carefully, because either he is going to lie, in which case you are still going to be left doubting him, or he will confess and then you are probably going to end things between you with all that entails ........... There are some men who just cannot be faithful and yet are good husbands and fathers, although of course I realise that this would not be acceptable to you, so I do wish you luck but I think that there are some very difficult times ahead, and my personal view is that you will never trust him again.

[gleaveyweave]

Spot on Lady P, He will take the lying option if I approach him, I just know it and so I will achieve nothing, just as you said. Just hope I wake up one morning with some kind of epiphany (sp??) and can make a clear decision about my future. At the mo, I just know it's pointless trying to get any truth out of him and you are right, I will never trust him fully again. Thanks for your time x

[PinkFizz]

awww,not what you wanted the video shop to say.I wouldn't say anything to him this evening at all.I would take some time for yourself to see if you can put up with this lying and lack of respect for you,and if you decide that you can't I would make plans for you and your childrens future,both financially and emotionally,then when you have a clear idea of what you are going to do I would tell him you are going and why.

xx

[lady_p_gold]

x

[samuel23]

If you don't trust him now, and you aren't going to trust him in the future there is little point in carrying on is there? You don't say how old your children are but I do feel for them - having been on the end of parents splitting for similar reasons I know how difficult it is to love them both, whilst watching them destroy each other with jealousy, spite and rage. Imagine that then you have to try and pick through the minefield of trying to love them both when one is protesting innocence and the other spitting poison at every opportunity.
It's tough and needs some very careful handling.

[lilacben]

I really cannot give you any advise but just wanted you to know my thought are with you. It must be an awful feeling. I wouldnt trust him from what you have said.Hope things improve for you. Brenda xx

[gleaveyweave]

i haven't said a thing but you are right pinkfizz, it's not what i wanted to hear! I have just found his secretarys mobile number in his mobile contacts list and don't see any reason why he would need that!!!! It just gets harder. Thanks to the two new posters who replied just before this, I appreciate your time and kind thoughts xx