What next?

[4getmenot]

Ok I have been seeing a bloke that I love to bits but he just isn't ready to settle down, he is very muddled and doesn't know who he is, what he wants etc. I have always been a person to stay where I am because of family whereas he wants to travel etc. This I put up with but I am at that age where I want babies and am getting well broody. He says he wants me and maybe in the future but I just don't have the time to wait and see. There is someone else who loves me and would give me everything I wanted, but we used to go out and he dumped me so I feel he doesn't deserve to have me. And because they hate eachother if I see one I would never be able to see the other, its so hard, I don't know what to do. Would you settle for love and no children or a family and a new start? And redcrx no word of this to anyone.

[4getmenot]

Miss inquiry I assure you I know for sure I love this man and do have feelings for the other. The bloke I�m with I fought for for 10 years and finally got him. I think maybe I just need to be on my own to realise what I want and work on me for a bit. And redcrx if you couldn�t I�d have had one for you. xx

[4getmenot]

He�s even said he�ll let me go because its not fair on me to waste my life on him, we split and then we both get so upset at the thought of the other being with anyone else that we spend every moment together so they cant. Its just so messed up.

[noxlumos]

Your sister does have a point, you're assuming you can plan your life. Fate has a habit of only letting that happen in small doses. With regards to age, I understand you wanting kids, because that was all I ever wanted from a very young age but being a father at 46 honestly feels no different to being a father at 26 because I feel no different.
I hope you'll excuse me if I say you sound as if you have some slight self esteem issues. Why would no-one want you just because you are 40? Fourty is not old and you're a great person, funny, intelligent, articulate what more could a man want? Your options are open both now and for a long time in the future. You could have four children if you wanted and still not have the first for another 5 plus years. You're choices aren't running out, they are opening up.

[4getmenot]

nox you are a man its different for you. woman want kids and there life all sorted in their head. and no I have lots of self esteem but I just feel at 40 I wouldnt want kids and whoever wanted me would. May sound selfish and I know you are all saying its not too late, but I want children when I�m 30 but I want a settled life before then. I've waited my whole life for things to come to me, I just want to know my life is sorted.

[redcrx]

nox, thats a very nice answer. I dont see 4get as having self esteem issues and i think the worry about being 40 is that living where she does is such a small town that by her age, most girls / women have settled and had children or at least had children.
It may also be down to the fact that she lives alone, our younger sister is living with someone, brother is married and looking at emigrating and that Im in a relationship and have a child, although im a bit older than she is.
4get is the strongest out of the 4 of us and has always been independant, buying her own flat, living alone and having such a large group of very close friends that at times Im quite envious of what she has and the way she enjoys her life.

[4getmenot]

Don�t make me cry redcrx :-( and nox thank you that was a really nice thing to say. yes I have always been strong and independent but its not always great. I have never lived with or gone out with anyone when young as I feel people go out with people for the wrong reasons nowadays, I believe you should only go out with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. I get lonely a lot though and even though I have great friends I would love someone there for me all the time. And my friends will always be there for me whatever. But yer most of them now are settling and have children so I do feel very left out sometimes.

[redcrx]

hey sis, you started it, Im feeling very upset for you now :(

I know what it is, youre upset cos i dont live next door anymore and you cant annoy me by playing your stereo at 3am :) The ghost isnt much company either is he/she, besides i think its moved in with my tenants for the moment. I miss living next door to you but I had to move on, obviously, still love ya though xxx

[redcrx]

pa__uls right sis, i think theres a lot of men (not all) who fear the change of life that means settling down.

Have you thought about asking the guy youre seeing (sort of) to move in with you? he spends a lot of time there anyway. One step at a time, get to live with him first and then consider children.

[redcrx]

lol, I didnt say that Pa__ul :)

[4getmenot]

He wont even go out with me, so moving in is a no because he knows what I want already. And he knows that moving in will eventually mean the whole family thing too. And I know you are a bit like him pa_ul I remember reading your post a couple of weeks ago, about how you�re not ready yet.

[4getmenot]

And surely isn�t that what you did redcrx and wasted them years hoping he�d change his mind

[redcrx]

No, its not the same. Me and hubby were young and in love, we both wanted to commit and live together and then marry. the kids issue was always in the future at that time.

Whats his reason for not going out with you?

[4getmenot]

I think because its me, he went out with all others but I think he knows that I�m a person with a good head on their shoulders and if he goes out with me he is commited, we do everything as if we are going out I guess we just don�t have to put a name on it. Although not at the moment we are trying to go our separate ways but its so hard. But if he cant decide now I cant keep waiting, but he�s also said that this could be the biggest mistake of his life, but he needs to know who he is first.

[4getmenot]

By the way I�m not being stingy but giving stars everytime was taking too long :-) You have all been such a good help. I don�t often speak about my problems, my friends all need me for their own problems and don�t really like family knowing my business, so much so I think mum thinks I�m a lesbian :-)

[redcrx]

maybe you should let him walk away then. If he comes back then its for the right reasons and if he doesnt then you can think about moving on and finding a guy who wants you, kids, and the commitment! xx

[redcrx]

lol, well i wasnt so sure til i bumped into him sneaking out of your flat one day :)

[4getmenot]

oh he comes back all the time, he wants me but just me at the moment.