Dilemma

[Scarlett]

My parents have been together 40 years. My Mum is deeply unhappy with her life. She hates where they live (the area, town etc) and they both have no friends and no life. She is young for her age (67) and wants to move to Kent. My Dad however has been retired for 20 years and is old for his age, even though he is 67 too. He is stubborn and will not entertain the idea of moving. His attitude is "I was born here and I will die here". I am really worried that my Mum may have maybe 10 more decent years of life, and she wants to DO things in that time. My Dad wants to do nothing. He clearly has no life but is too set in his ways to change. They are too old to split up and need each other financially.
How can they resolve this?!?

[sleepy1]

i know some on that was married for 51 years and they split up .

[soozvp]

I know what this is like... my mum and dad are a little younger but very similar situation. Maybe youre mum needs to boost her confidence a little.. its hard, but you could start her off.. maybe get her a hobby, something shes interested in.. a dance class, keep fit, sport, any social group that maybe you could go along to with her at first? Meeting new people and getting a hobby will give her more to live for. My dad is EXTREMELY stubborn, happy to do nothing...and its hard for my mum as she doesnt understand how he can be happy doing nothing.. But he really is a grumpy old man. Could you speak to him maybe and explain youre worried about them?

Whatever happens between them.. dont you feel guilty as theres nothing you can do, and whilst you care about them and can help by spending time with your mum whens shes fed up etc, you have to lead your own life.

good luck

[pastafreak]

What is it with some men? they seem to get way too old before their time and we have to put up with it. I had a man come round to service my boiler...he said he was 52 and his attitude was that life went downhill after 50! He was looking forward to not making it past 63 because his father and uncle hadn't....might as well get out the shovel and start digging!!!

[warpig3]

scarlett I could have written that post, it is exactly how my parents are, even down to the ages and the house move (mum found a beautiful house by the sea and they were all ready to move when my dad decided that he didn't want to, mums heart was broken)! I despair at them as they are still healthy and 'young' but they do nothing I have made suggestions and offered to pay for them to go away on weekends, accompany them to shows but no, they wont do it. My father in particular is very stubborn and if my mum does want to do anything special she has to tiptoe around him, lay the seeds of the idea and eventually he will agree because he thinks it was his idea. I have now virtually given up, they are adults and if they want to spend their lives like this then it is up to them sadly.

I truly empathise and all I can say is good luck.

warpig

[nutgoneflake]

Whereabouts do they live? My mum and stepfather live by the coast in Pembrokeshire, and are very similar in age to your folks. My mum is young, husband old and reluctant to do the kind of stuff my mum wants to do. Recently, they did an equity release deal on the house (3 siblings and I had to tell them we'd rather they enjoyed the money now and left nothing to us) and bought a camper. the result is that they can go off at the drop of a hat, crucially though, in comfort! Mum gets to see the places she loves, Dad potters about with the gas, water, electric hook-up etc because it's like an extension of his home. He sits in it if he gets tired, does the crossword, listens to the radio. Meanwhile, Mum is off climbing Snowdon or something with the dog, and comes back when she's done. Suits them both perfectly!! This week they're off to Scotland, but Dad will still be at home really, and Mum will no doubt be up Ben Nevis...

I asked where they live in case it's close - Mum would love someone else with a bit of oomph to play with!! She also goes up to London on the coach sometimes to see shows with some of her friends in the same situation. What is it with men of that age? Thinking about it, lots of her friends have husbands the same...