Elaine, I hit rock bottom, I was a mess. I became a person I no longer recoginised morally, physically, mentally! I was totally disgusted with myself and was on a huge downward spiral. I couldn't deal with my problems (mostly alcohol induced) and hid further and further in the bottle to get away from them, thus making my situation worse.
The weird thing to me was that it was obvious to everyone that I had a huge problem but in my drink addled mind I thought I was in control and on top of it, I wasn't, it controlled me totally.
My family and friends were in dispair and I knew this but still didn't stop, very selfish I know but thats just one of the ways it affects you, I cared that I was hurting them but not enough to stop. I had tried in the past to stop, sometimes for a day, a few days or weeks, but always slipped back. One day I was trying to think when was the last day I didn't have a drink and I coudn't remember when it was, was it one week, was it 10 days ago, I just couldn't be sure and decided that this had to end. I didn't do it immediately (too much shock to the system or an alcoholics excuse, you decide). But I did it and now I am so much happier, I am in control of my life again and moving forward, my family and friends have been a great support and have never judged me for my mistakes, some of which have been huge. I had to draw a line under my previous drunken life, don't get me wrong I didn't do anything really bad just thinks I was not proud of, I had to let the past stay the past as there was nothing productive in torturing myself over it.