pregnant!

[Mindie]

I am 12 weeks pregnant. I am booked in for a termination, it is entirely not my fault that it is at a late stage. I had my original booking in appointment for it a long time ago but there has been hold up after hold up. Now it is 2 weeks away, I am getting very nervous about it. I feel very pregnant and am very emotional. I have a child already.

I havent told the father of this pregnancy (dont really know what to call him). We have been in an on/off relationship for a long while now. I would say we were more friends with benefits but he has hinted that he would like more from the relationship. Ill add he is not the father of my other child and I dont want him to think this is what I do. The circumstances as to how I actually got pregnant have been a marel to the doctors I have seen as I supposedly have full proof contraception in place.

I am at a point now where I really want to tell him. Im not sure whether this me being selfish and just wanting to lift some of the load from me. If I tell him and do and will more likely just go ahead with the termination, I have achieved nothing other than cause some upset somewhere else. Then say we end up being together forever, do I really need this secret.

what would you do? Very interested to hear what the men here think.

[4getmenot]

tell him, he has a right to know, you can then discuss it with him. just think what if you got with him in years to come and everything worked out and then you wanted kids it would all come out then. My mate is in this situation and wishes she'd told him

[oopsydoopsy]

I agree with 4get. Tell him. What if he finds out from someone else ?

[4getmenot]

ok how would you feel in his shoes if you found out in years to come your partner got rid of your child

[Octavius]

In the UK it is legal for termination to be carried out up to 24 weeks of pregnancy, but most hospitals and clinics will not consider termination beyond 18 weeks. If you really feel you need to share the burden of this secret, then tell him. He might be upset, but then he may well also be relieved with what you have decided to do.

[Doc Spock]

What would you do if he wanted you to keep the child.

Would he financially give support.

[tiny e.a]

Yep, tell him. It sounds like you are struggling a little to cope with this on your own and I think you will benifit from sharing it with him if he's a supportive and trustworthy person. You shouldn't worry about upsetting him, you don't have to protect him. Sit him down and explain everything in full, the contraceptive failure, your plans to abort, your concerns, try and be calm so that you can both discuss it in a beneficial way. Good luck with what ever you decidee to do.

[China Doll]

Personally, I wouldn't tell him.

You don't sound like you're sure either way of what type of relationship you want with him so I don't see how adding this in would help.

You also appear to say that you will more than likely have the termination even if you do tell him and he wants it so again I don't really see the point in telling him.

Of course, this is my personal opinion, you should go with your gut instinct as it will more than likely be correct. You obviously know your friend better than I/we do and so you should be able to work out the correct course of action with regards to his feelings.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Mindie]

It's so close to the termintaion date, I dont feel I have time for an open debate as to whether I should keep this child.

Doc, I think if I did tell him and he wanted the child then he would support me but then surely that forces us to be in a relationship that maybe neither of us want. I promised myself I would never have a child out of wedlock, that may sound silly but I do not want to be left holding the baby, again.

I am struggling with this b ut I really cant tell whether the benefit of telling him is justified. Maybe im just being pregnant , hormonal and want some bloody attention. At 12 weeks with my previous pregnancy it was the stage wjere I was excited and thought, yay, I can tell everyone. Instead I am desperately worried about this horrible procedure I am going to have to go through.

[Shadow Man]

Ermmmmmm

I beg to differ. DO NOT TELL HIM.

A baby should be brought in to this world with two stable loving parents. As your relationship is on/off, a baby is hardly going to cement anything together. If your heart is not 100 percent now a screaming, pooing lump of jam covered pinkness is not going to change a thing. If anything it may draw you apart even further than yoou off days.

Although a Christian by definition I have no problem with abortions. In my humble opinion a baby is not a baby until it takes its first breath.

Why bother telling him? It may ease your burden but why place strain on him? Christ, if I was not in stable relationship where kids are at least wanted, I would be scared witless if my "casual bird" was up the duff.

Also, and I apologise for being base, but you have asked for a male opinion. The thought of a hoovered out fetus coming out of your minny may put me off nookie in the future.

So in all, deal with it yourself and if you want another child be sure it is planned and whilst you are in a proper relationship.

[gina32]

he obviously knew that you were using contraception and therefore was of the mind that he didnt yet want children, and neither did you surely that answers your dilema. whats the point in telling him

[4getmenot]

ok shadow man can you honestly say if you found out a girl you'd been seeing had got rid of your baby you'd be okay about it. My mate broke down the other week, she got married last year and now they are planning on having a family. she told me how when she was 17 she got rid of her now husbands baby because she wasnt in the right situation at the time, she was in a hostel and didnt have a decent job and he'd just left her. She thinks it will all come out through doctors notes when trying for baby or believes she wont be able to have any as a punishment. She wishes that she had told him then and it has screwed her up having no-one to talk about it to when it all happened. At end of day no matter what we say it is your choice. Good Luck

[B00]

Wardy!

This comment was totally uncalled for....

"Also, and I apologise for being base, but you have asked for a male opinion. The thought of a hoovered out fetus coming out of your minny may put me off nookie in the future. "

Mr Boo has seen a 7lb 13 oz baby coming out of my minny, as you so lovingly put it, along with the blood and gore, and it hasnt put him off "nookie".

However, I do agree with him, sort of, I wouldn't tell him. Frankly, this is your decision and yours alone. Regardless of how he'd react if you did tell him, that child will always be your responsibility, and if he bu88ered off, it would be yours alone. Do you really need that on top of the child you already have?

I also have to say that I'm frankly disgusted that they have set your termination date so late, you'll be 14 weeks pregnant by then? Personally, I couldn't have a termination at that late stage, but that's just me.

Whatever you decide, it should be what is best for you AND the child you already have.

[4getmenot]

you really didnt need to mention a hoover, think thats a bit off. And I cant believe you would say a baby isnt a baby till it takes its first breath. If your partner lost a baby at 8 months you really wouldnt be thinking oh well didnt ever breath

[mountainboo]

Mindie, you should go with your heart, if it's not right for you now then you should carry on with your plans. I hope you have some support in your life at the moment. Good luck

Shadowman, Im appaled with your comment that a baby is not a baby until it takes its first breath and it is not a christian thing to say. You are VERY wrong!!!

[Mindie]

and that 4getmenot is my dilemma! What if?

It's the lack of forgiveness if he found out in the future I am worried about. I am not a 17 year old child either. I am a grown woman.

[Shadow Man]

4get,

In a casual relationship or "on/off" as described, I would welcome an abortion as said. A baby should be brought into the world with two loving stable parents. Call me old fashioned but...................

Also, you sum it up. If I do not know, there is no chance I would become upset.

I do not advocate secrets in a relationship, but see no reason to share this personal fact.

[Mindie]

and thankyou Boo, it will have been a couple of days shy of 10 weeks that I informed my doctor that I wanted a termination to the date of actually getting one. It is late, and I feel truly screwed over by it and had I been able to have one at an earlier stage I would have been all ok with it by now I am sure. I just think this secret is messing my head up a bit.

[mountainboo]

Shadow, do you realise that by month 4 the BABY yes BABY has a fullly functioning set of organs and can even recognise the sound of its mothers voice!!!!!!

[4getmenot]

mindie none of us can say because we are not in your situation but you say about lack of forgiveness, that would say to me you feel a bit more for him than just a casual relationship. You are looking at a future with him too. If its going no-where then I would agree with maybe not telling him, but if you see a future always be honest.

[mountainboo]

Mindie, the NHS is a sorry state of affairs and I think thats why they've kept changing your termination date. Remember its not your fault, you tried to have the procedure done a long time ago, this is the NHS fault