What would you do?

[888sally888]

I remarried last year and took my husbands surname. I have 2 daughters 15 and 17 who now have a different name to me. I have 2 lovely step sons who now share my surname and therfore on trips and in many situations look like my children.

My girls have had a couple of situations when they feel uncomfortable with not 'looking' like my children especialy as my ex has remarried and taken his name.

They dont ike their step mother and hate the fact that she looks like their mother name wise.

Should I change my name back and risk upsetting my new husband or stay as is and feel I dont match with my children.

Sorry if this is rambling and complicated!!

[4getmenot]

how about they change their name and then you'll all be the same

[Octavius]

If over the years they have only ever had a couple of �uncomfortable� situations, how much of a big deal is it really? Are they indicating that there is more to it than just a name? Perhaps they feel torn between mum and dad and the name thing is the only way they can express that. If it really is such a big deal, did you pre-empt this before taking your new name? If not and you didn�t foresee any issue then perhaps let them change their names if they wish.

[888sally888]

Thank you both for your answers. My girls dont want to take on my new surname as they are in GCSE and A levels at the moment plus they have always had that name and wish to keep it.

I suppose I didnt think the implications through properly before I re married - just got swept along I suppose.

My oldest dauhter has had no contact with her father for 2.5 years. The younger one has mentioned it a few times. Maybe I have a problem too as I feel detached from my children in some ways and it doesnt help that their new step mother was one of my best friends.

[Octavius]

In a few (several) years they might meet a nice man and get married and change their names as well, then you�d be left with a name that you won�t want and might feel detached from your husband. If they are adamant that they don�t want to change them maybe it is not that big a deal. If you really feel THAT strongly about it then that is up to you, but in the context of your orig. Q, I would leave as is. Its only a name, perhaps if they were much younger you would have had their names changed immediately, but they are becoming adults now.

[888sally888]

I think your right - there is so much bitterness still around that it makes everything harder.

Am in the process of taking the ex to court as he stopped paying maintenance for one of the children in March.

I know its sounds silly maybe, but things like when we check in at the airport with different names. And, rightly or wrongly I would rather look like their mother that my husbands wife.

[Octavius]

Well we don�t need to tell you that being a mother or father is more than just about names.

[andy-hughes]

I understand your situation completely.

My wife and I have two daughters from her first marriage, so they kept their father's surname, while she cahnged to mine. Our third daughter has my surname, so for a time we were in exactly the same situation. Both our eldest daughters have married, so no problem, except that the oldest had a daughter, and is now with a new partner so their son has his dad's name, my daughter and her daughter have her married name - gets confusing doesn't it.

My thinking is, if your daughters are of an age where they are used to their current surname, and don;t wish to change it, then you should leave that be. It is part of their identity, and at this stage of their lives, as they grow into young women, such issues become important.

As far as you changing your name back - i would avoid doing so, it will cause more problems than it solves.

To be honest, for the very few times when it becomes noticable - such as at airports, just learn to ignore how you feel. You, and all your family, know who they are, and how they relate to each other, and that is what matters. Airport staff and similar people encounter these scenarios every single day, and think absolultely nothing of it - they don;t have the time!

It's easy to imagine that people are looking at you and wondering about the different names, but trust me, they don't. It's like asking a waiter where the toilet is - a little embarassing for you, as common as asking for the salt for him.

Think of it like that, and don;t worry - in the scheme of things, this is far more commn than you might imagine, and far less important than you might think.

Hold your heads up, be proud of all your children, and let the looser face his responsibilities.

[Drisgirl]

Agree totally with Andy.My children have a different surname to me and to be honest I dont recall anytime when it was an issue.Thats their name and thats it.I hope you dont think this is cheeky as its not meant to be but it looks like you are the only one who seems to be bothered about it.I would just forget it and get on with your life -much more important things will come your way to concern yourself with - well in the grand scheme of things it usually does.

[DONNA1458]

double barral your name!

[888sally888]

Thank you all for all your advise and help.

You are all spot on with your thoughts and views and maybe I need to chill out about it.

I think its not worth rocking the boat over it and as you say before I know it they will be married off and I will be an old granny!!

And Andy your right - my ex will be and already is the loser i all this. I am so lucky to have 2 lovely girls and they are very fond of their step dad too.

You have all made me feel tons better!

[888sally888]

Oh and Drisgirl - not at all cheeky - just honest and spot on too!! I do think it hurts and affects me more than anyone else.