Depression

[raysparx1]

Has anybody on here had really bad depression, I don't mean a bit fed up or p!ssed off, but proper depression, The reason I ask is, that nearly 3 years ago a good friend of mine commited suicide and it was revealed that he had had depression for 3 years, I never knew, I feel a bit guilty still because I feel i should have noticed, are there any tell tale signs? any advice please because I would hate for this to happen again and I never knew. thanks,Ray

[4GS]

Hi ray,
don't beat yourself up over it. It's hard for someone who isn't medically trained or who is not them self suffering from the illness to recognise someone who is,
hope this link helps you though:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_sig ns_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm

[raysparx1]

Thanks john, I do feel a bit guilty because we were always talking and I never saw the slightest sign, he was always happy, we went out for meal with him and his wife one night and a couple of days later, he was gone, I find it so sad, could I have helped, feel like I let him down, I know I didn't but I just wish I had seen something, anything..

[eyebrows]

depression is a made up condition for people who cant be bothered to sort their life out...I doubt there was much going on in his life that could have been helped/sorted.

Suicide is again teh lazy way out, and most probably teh most selfish act anyone could do...think of the pain and grief he has caused you, let alone his wife/girlfriend/ whatever....

[4GS]

You're experiencing a perfectly normal reaction Ray, we all feel guilty that perhaps we could have done more, saw the signs or listened a bit harder when someone we are close to dies, I bet many Answerbankers have said/felt the same thing, I know I have.
It's probable that, even had you done something then your friend would still have ended it all.

[alinic]

Hi Ray
Sorry about the loss of your friend, it cant have been easy, depression comes in all shapes and sizes, i was depressed about 10yrs ago, and its a living hell and wouldnt want to go back there, you said you didnt know, everybody about me didnt know, i put a front on when people where about me, and eventualy it came out, and i was lucky i had the help and understanding of a few close friends.
I just wish i had spoken to my friends sooner.
Please dont feel guilty, some people cant share there demons with others, its who ther are.
I hope this made sense.
Regards alinic x

[alinic]

well eyebrows you havent had it then!
Made up! you arrogant sod!

[Bathsheba]

Eyebrows- you should be ashamed- what a terrible thing to say.

[raysparx1]

Thanks john, eyebrows is it that simple,? I am annoyed with him when I see what it has done to his family and yes it probably is the cowards way out, but if his mind had been ok, then he would not have done it would he.

Thanks ali, it does make sense because you are saying what he was doing, putting on a front, always happy always smiling then when we go home it must be as you say a living hell, hope you never suffer again ali. thank you xx

[alinic]

no worries, its good to share your thoughts and feeling with people sometimes, wish i had done sooner in my life
take care xx

[raysparx1]

Hi ali, that is the bit I find hardest to handle, because I have always been so open about how I feel, be it good be it bad and therefore find it hard to understand why people bottle things up, If only everybody would talk, we could all help each other or is that to simple? xx

[funnygirl]

Years ago a colleague here at work commited suicide over the christmas holidays.
I can remember how shocked we all were on returning to work to find out she was severely depressed and slashed her wrists after drinking a bottle of whisky.

To us all she was the life and soul, always helpful and had a minute for you.

Her death today still saddens me!!

[Bathsheba]

I think you've hit the nail on the head there, funnygirl. Depression+ alcohol = disaster.

[raysparx1]

That is very sad funnygirl, we will never know what goes on inside peoples heads will we.

[Cetti]

Don't feel bad ray, there was very little you could have done, just being a friend, being there, was more than enough.

I know there are a few of us on AB that have experienced this most terrible of illnesses - and that's just what it is, an illness. Clinical depression is an illness the same as Measles is, except there is nothing to see. I had it for over 20 years, probably triggered off by an advanced miscarriage, but whatever the reason it was a living hell. The only way I can describe it is that when you are speaking to anyone, even loved ones, you feel as though you're not really there, there's no connection. Even on the sunniest summer day you see only blackness and feel incredible fear.

Suicide, oh yes, you just want to end it all, there is no thought of anything except the desire for peace. Everyone thought I was a funloving, bubbly girl. No, don't feel any guilt ray, there's no need. You sound a really lovely man, by the way.

[raysparx1]

Thank you Cetti, that was very moving, and very descriptive, impossible for me to realise what it is like, hope you are forever ok now and never have to visit hell again, god bless and thank you, Ray xx

[smudge]

Hi Ray - so sorry to hear about your friend & of you feeling 'guilty' for not being able to do more for him.

That fact is, you were his friend & if you'd realised how 'ill' he was, you would have tried to console & help him through his darkest days. But - some people don't always want to admit to themselves, friends or loved ones, that they are that bad or indeed suicidal.

Just remember - you were his friend & wherever he is now, above he clouds, he knows that. Take care Ray. -xx-

[China Doll]

I suffered from it for nearly two years Sparky following a vey bad break up and I didn't even know it let alone anyone else... actually that's not giving some of my friends credit, there was some discussion about being worried about me but they couldn't pin point the problem, anyway..... It wasn't until something horrid happened at work that I got the blame for (patly justifiably so) and I went to pieces (unlike me) that I realised I'd been burying my head in the sand for ages. Looking back, it was obvious and with regards to me personally I know what to look for, I've been here before (when I do this, that and the other it's not a good sign etc) and I still let myself drift so I can't imagine how hard it must be to spot for those who don't know the circumstances or that there's a possibility a friend might be in the first place.

Suicide... well that's a tricky one. I think it's cowardly. At my worst did I have those thoughts, hell yes! But I knew that just because my life didn't mean that much to me at that moment I had people who it did mean something to and people who relied on me. I wanted the peace but not at the cost of the sadness of my friends and family but then I've always had a very healthy catholic guilf complex. For your friend to do that he must have really thought the world was better without him including friends and family. He wouldn't have been thinking straight enough to see otherwise.

Depression is a bar steward of an illness and those that suffer from it can become quite adapt at covering it up. There are some things you can look out for but some of those are symptons you'd expect from a stropy teenager too!

[smudge]

*the clouds

All your 'mates' on here know you're a good, decent bloke - so remember that too. -xx-

Hi Cetti - I'm so sorry to hear you've also suffered from the 'black dog'. It's so debilitating & can take over your everyday life.

I've suffered from 'it' three times in my life. Once when our Grandson was born with severe health problems & wasn't expected to live past 18 months. He's 16 years old now, but still has lots of hurdles to get over. The second & third times were when I lost my Dad, then Mum within 20 months of each other - that was so hard to bear. I'm currently going through a difficult time worrying about our eldest daughter's health, but try to take every day as it comes for her & everone else's sakes.......

Take care Cetti. -xx-

[raysparx1]

Thank you smudge, really nice of you, hope you never go near that place called hell again smudgie, so glad you are ok now, god blessxx

China, what can I say, you se this is the thing isn't it, you are so well Normal (ish) don't mean it, :-) I just cannot get my head round it, china the descriptions you give are very vivid, thsnk you for that insight, I am glad you feel you can talk about openly, because I really do feel, maybe wrongly that if people did speak more and weren't afraid to say I need help, things would be so much better, as you say with the suicide it really must be a feeling of absolute uselessness and the world will be better off without you, thanks again all of you I have learnt someting valuable today thanks to you people, take care all, XX

[China Doll]

The problem is Sparky that when you're depressed you don't want to reach out to others. Sometimes you don't think you're worth the trouble, other times you don't want to burden people, there's a feeling that you shouldn't be feeling like that, that other people in the same situation wouldn't react the same way and there's always that old cliche that they're other people in the world much worse off than you and you've no right to feel like that. Just reaching out to talk to someone can seem an insumountable peak. Then obviously not speaking out means that the problems appear or become larger and your start the whole cycle again.

Also personally speaking I've always been the 'strong one,'
the one who other people go to when the proverbial hits the fan and the one who always seems to have it all under control and the rest of it. I had to take myself out of the mindset that admitting I wasn't feeling myself was not a weakness in me which is what I saw it as. I don't like and still don't like to be perceived as vulnerable and I don't like admitting my feelings so when it kicks off the most likely thing I do is put on my happy face. The hard thing is that when you go to that place in your head, as much as other people can and do understand they can't go with you and it's something of a mother to come back from alone which essentially, even with help you do have to do.

I know a few people who suffer with it and I've yet to meet one that doesn't have an exceptional sense of humour or who doesn't appear to all and sundry to be a perfectly functioning human being. Like I said, we're adapt at hiding it and we don't always reach out for help. All you can ever do is be a good friend and chances are you do that already. Try not to feel too bad.