alcoholism

[clydeserani]

I have just discovered that my partner has been an alcohlic for over 20 years...how do i help him to have the courage to stop drinking before it kills him...

[clydeserani]

I feel like I am on trial here. i came her for advice so that I can at least be advised of how I can or cannot help a person that i fell in love with...I did not expect to be ridiculed for not knowing instantly that my partner had a problem...I repeat that i do not live with him, we both have seperate family responsibilites which only allow us to see each other a couple of times a week and every second weekend...as we have discovered on this thread, addicts of any sort can be very cunning in their use and abuse of their chosen poison so why should it be that I am made to appear a fool for not knowing instantly that my guyhad a problem....as I said...I came her for advice,, not to be made to feel like a fool...

[China Doll]

Please look through my posts and try to ignore some of the utter garbage that has wound up on your thread clydeserani. I think there may be cause for some users to look up the word 'appropriate' and see if they can apply it to this thread.

You're not a fool. you're just a person trying to do the right thing and I'm just trying to ensure you're doing the right thing with some information behind you. I strongly urge you to contact the support groups at AA, if you're goinog to take this then you are going to need some professional support yourself.

[wee willie]

sorry clydeserani
dabees your poison to yourself
i shall now exit with your permission big boy x

[dabees]

Sorry for any rubbish that you've suffered on here clydeserani, but China's advice is very good. I'd offer some of my own, but i fear it wouldn't be taken seriously. I'll wait till another, more appropriate time.

[Drisgirl]

You are not being to be made like a fool hun -you have been given very sound advice and it upsets me you dont think you have -no-one at all if you read back has ridiculed you at all.It cant be easy being close to someone who has a problem but I feel you are adressimng it in the proper way -its is a problem and as such he needs suppirt love and care and you seem to be able to give him that.I concur with China Doll tho-just thro personal experience of bereavement -you need back up when necessary -you cant to it all yourself so to that end I would contact a support group as I did through China Dolls advice- Cruse-and they have given me tremendous support -its not easy to speak to others as they are directly involved,.I know thats not your option tho -just an insight tho !!!

Good Luck hun and please do keep us posted -we are always here for support xx

[clydeserani]

Thank you China Doll. Earlier today I discovered that my partners family has a good friend who is an alcoholic who has been dry for over 12 years now and has become a counsillor for AA..I intend to call him tomorrow ( friday) and ask his advice on help for my partner and myself...I will try my hardest to help him..I am the first person he has ever admitted his problem too and I see that as a show of his courage to try to overcome his addiction..he even made a doctors appointment on his own with gentle persuasion from myself..i am going to the docs with him to ensure he tells the whole truth...he was really ****** off at me about this and asked if I didnt trust him,,i told him that in this instance I didnt trust him to tell the doc the full extent of the problem..he was then more than happy for me to go with him...I think he is encouraged to know that at last someone is willing to take the time to help him....I know it wont be easy but I am willing to try....

[Drisgirl]

Seems encouraging -good luck !!

[snow.maiden]

It won't be easy though clydeserani. I know 2 people who're married to alcoholics. Fortunately they don't become abusive when they've had a drink, but it's no fun for their long-suffering partners. There's a lot of help out there, but the person in question has to want to get better, otherwise it's a waste of time and resources. It's a pity that your partner didn't confide in you earlier, but then, many are in denial about their condition. I hope it all has a happy ending for you hun.

[clydeserani]

China, Dris, everyone, perhaps I owe an apology..as you can understand this is a very emotional time for me..I have probably taken some messages out of context...I am very sorry for getting angry and upset...I will keep you all posted on how we progress...thankyou everyone for your support..it is bedtime for me now..I will be back on after docs on Monday...night night...

[snow.maiden]

Night clydeserani. Let us know how things go. x

[Ethel]

You have said you have other family responsibilities - I can only urge you to put your family and yourself first.

You are not some sort of saviour put on earth to save this man from alcohol, no matter how much you love him.

You must understand there is only one person that can help him - and that is him.

As hard as it may be you should end the relationship now. I promise you that IF he does stop drinking, he will not be the person he is now. He will have different goals and ambitions and they may not include people who have seen his struggle.

If he doesn't stop drinking, you will be struggling with it as long as you are in the relationship.

This probably seems a very selfish attitude to you, but this is his problem - over 20 years there have probably been a few women determined to dry him out and have been left battered and bruised (emotionally) from the experience.

[gravitate]

go dogging/ swinging parties. The addiction af alcohol willl be masked by this..

Hope this helps

[RevFunk]

Were you drunk as well?

20 years and you didn't know??? Amazing!

[RevFunk]

Joking aside, if he's been one for 20 years he obviuosly likes it.

My advice get rid and the quicker the better.

I lived with an alkie and no matter how much you and family and friends rally round to help the person the bottom line is they have to want to give up and he aint going to.

[Susie Strawb]

If you bothered reading the thread properly you would see that clydeserani said her partner had been an alcoholic for 20 years, not that she'd been with him for 20 years!

[Suzyboo]

I sympathise with your desire to do the best for him but while it is you arranging the doctor's appointment, phoning the AA counsellor etc I fear it cannot work. He needs to be the one who wants to get dry badly enough to make steps towards it or it is unlikely to be successful. You cannot do it for him. Try to be there for him without being the one driving the process. Even a successful future will be a long and difficult road so I wish you lots of luck.

[zzxxee]

he has to be willing to give up himself, you need to talk when hes in a calm sober mood tell him how worried you are and your relasionship is at risk if he continues to drink, when he is ready to go one step further talk to alcaholics anymous they will support both yopu and your partner

[Androcles]

Clydesrani,

There was a serious discussion on this in http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Society-and-Cul ture/Question555451.html which may give you a few things to think about.

Best of luck - there aren't many winners in this, sadly....