Meeting pregnant friend tonight

[karmgirl]

I am meeting my pregnant friend tonight for a drink. Unsure how I am going to feel if she talks about pregnancy. I want her to talk about pregnancy though - I don't want her to feel she shouldn't be talking about it to me. At the same time though I don't know if I should explain how I still feel upset about my abortion or just not say anything. I think I should probably share how I feel to get it in the open rather than bottle up and have a right go at her one day. But, if I tell her I don't want her to feel I am a hinderance and that she can't talk about it or be happy for herself.

[41cloud41]

http://www.authspot.com/Poetry/Melancholy-Trut h.184833

Try to look at that!

[Octavius]

Karmgirl, putting this burden on everyone to �avoid� certain topics and tiptoe around you is going to eventually lose you friends.

As with the advice given in that extensively prolonged thread yesterday, I think you need to learn to deal with the issues you have and stop trying to make people feel guilty for enjoying their own happiness.

If she wants to talk about her pregnancy, chances are she will talk about the pains, hormones and �daffyness� of being that way (forgetful, tearful for no reason etc) then why would she need your permission? Its not about you, so � again, as said yesterday � the world and its people and their conversation � does not revolve around you.

You appear to need counselling to get over whatever guilt or resentment you have towards the decision you made. It is NOT everyone else�s fault that you had an abortion, and going on and on about it, without heeding the advice given or seeking proper help is not conducive to overcoming that ingrained resentment.

[karmgirl]

I wasn't saying that it was everyones fault if you actually read my post properly.

[karmgirl]

And I have heeded other peoples advice hence why I am meeting this friend tonight.

I do NOT think that the world revolves around ME at all.

[karmgirl]

And I am not putting this burden on everyone - I haven't actually spoken to anyone about it apart from my parents and people on here and thats why I put in my post that 'if I tell her (how I feel about my abortion) I don't want her to feel I am a hinderance and that she can't talk about it or be happy for herself'

Read it again and it might make more sense Octavius

[whiskeysheri]

karmgirl, I wholly agree with Octavius. It isn't your friends' fault that you're not dealing with it yourself emotionally.

Why on earth would you "have a go at her one day"? She is entitled to be over the moon about her own pregnancy, in the same way you are entitled to feel the way you do about your abortion- your friends can't read your mind! Please be happy for her and let her enjoy it. Talk to her about how you feel (that's why she's your friend), but just ensure you tell her that you don't want her to feel she can't talk about herself to you.

You must talk to someone about your feelings. Those around you might have given you advice around the time of your abortion, but you can't blame anyone else for the decision you ultimately had to make. You made it for a good reason. I hope you manage to speak with someone. Take care. x

[obNOXious]

I've not commented so far on this, but here's my thoughts on it for you and I really hope that you manage to find some peace.

From what you've written in other posts it seems that you reallly wanted your baby and hoped that someone would be very supportive of you and lead you to feel that you could cope and keep it. As it happened people were not supportive of you, probably because they genuinely felt that your future life would be better without a child at that particular time. I don't think anyone did anything malicious to advise you wrongly or to hurt you.
Ultimately it was your decision and you made it, and now that is something that you will have to live with, and not allow it to affect those around you (because Octavius is right, it will lose you friends and destabilise your life) but more importantly you must not allow it to affect yourself so deeply.
Looking at it logically there is nothing you can do to reverse your decision. It's done, there is no going back. There will one day be a time when it's right for you to be a mother, so try to embrace your pregnant friends good fortune and look forward to that time for yourself.
I know from bitter experience ( not in this particular regard as I'm male) that if you hark back to the terrible things that happened in your past, then your life never improves and you drive people away.
You have the rest of your life to look forward to, don't focus on this one very sad decision you made in good faith, just accept that you did your best under difficult circumstances, forgive yourself and everyone else and move on with your life.

[helliebobs]

karmgirl I have only just seen your other thread and i'm sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time.
Does this friend know you had the abortion? If she does, then consider that she may be feeling anxious about it as well. If she doesn't then maybe tell her. You could say "Look, I'm really happy for you and the pregnancy, but I just need to tell you that I had an abortion a while ago and it's still a difficult subject for me. So if we're discussing babies etc and I go a bit quiet, then it's not you, I'm just having a moment" and then just say you don't want her to think she can't talk to you about her happy event.
If she's a good friend, she'll understand.

[whiskeysheri]

Oh, nox, you always manage to put it exactly how it is in my head. :) Hope you're well. :) x x

[karmgirl]

Can I just explain that what I meant by 'having a go at her' is that that is what I might do if I don't talk to her about my feelings. Not because its her fault because i KNOW it ISN'T HER FAULT but because the whole talking about pregnancy might upset me and I just want her to know that I might feel sad sometimes but I am still happy for her.

Are you saying I shouldn't tell her how sometimes I might feel upset about abortion? But then I would be bottling things up

[karmgirl]

Hellie bobs thats exactly what I wanted to know. TO know what to say and how to approach subject.

This friend does know I've had abortion and I know she will understand and yes she probably is a bit anxious about how her pregnancy is going to make me feel because she is very considerate like that. And that is what I'm saying I don't want her to feel that she can't share her joy of being pregnant with me because I'm happy for her and she deserves to be happy I'm not saying no one deserves to have a baby or be pregnant because I've had an abortion .I'm not that selfish.

I just wanted to know how to approach subject with her so she knows I'm happy for her and hope she feels she can talk to me but that if I do look upset its not her fault I am just having a moment. THats exactly what I need to say thanks helliebobs.

Thanks obnoxious for reply - I will try to work towards this but I can't just get over it overnight. I wish more than anyone else that I could look at pregnant people who have what I want and not feel pain but I can't. I am going to try though xxx

[whiskeysheri]

I did say to talk to her, karmgirl. :)

[jno]

karm down, karmgirl, people are offering you thoughtful and sensible advice. I would do as helliebobs says - but do bear in mind that pregnancy may quite possibly be all she wants and needs to talk about at the moment, so you may not really have much to say to each other. I can see this is all causing you great pain - but really, it's your own actions and your regret that are the cause of your grief, not the actions of others. You thought you were over it, but your friend's pregnancy has brought it bubbling back up again; this sometimes happens with forgotten feelings. So you need to deal with them again, for your own sake. Good luck.

[karmgirl]

Thanks whiskey.

I just hope everyone doesn't think I'm just thinking about myself cus I'm not I want everyone to be happy. I don't want people to feel uncomfortablbe around me but I also want people to understand how I might feel and not make me feel like they are revelling in my misery. I can't help thinking that people are revelling in my misery when they are so happy with my babies. Perhaps they probably aren't, they are just happy and so they should be, but thats jsut how it makes me feel and i wish it didn't. I don't know how to stop thinking like this. I can't just suddenly stop. I just need to talk to people when I feel like this and some reassurance that they aren't trying to make me feel rubbish. x

[karmgirl]

Thanks jno. I am writing quickly cus when I think what to say I need to write it down quickly before I forget.

[karmgirl]

with their babies i mean (god thats wishful thinking MY babies)

[helliebobs]

Ah so if she knows about it already, and like you say, she's considerate, she'll probably be aware of how you will feel about talking about babies. As jno says, it may well be the only thing she feels like talking about, it's a big thing after all, but as long as you keep talking to her, you should be fine, you never know, her talking to you about it may actually help you overcome your feelings of guilt and get through this. Good luck girly!!!

[Octavius]

You mention �approaching the subject�. Why not just let the conversation flow naturally? You could start off by asking her all about her pregnancy in a jovial, genuinely interested fashion, and ask how she is feeling (sick, scared etc), ask whether she knows the sex yet or if she has thought of any names. That way, she will feel comfortable about talking to you about her experience. Of course this may hurt you inside, but consider it as going through the process of dealing with your own emotions.

If she is a decent friend she might ask how you are feeling, and you can share with her that you are delighted and excited for her and can�t wait to se if the baby looks like the milkman. If you really really feel the need to mention the abortion with her, then I would just grace over it and wait to see if she probes further. If not, save it for another day.

Other than that, just enjoy meeting with a friend and having a nice evening with no mawkish thoughts.

[karmgirl]

thank you so much everyone, don't know how to thank you enough for listening to me going on and on xxx

[karmgirl]

Thanks octavius - I appreciate that answer xxx