low esteem.

[angryman2008]

do people with high esteem look down on people with low? i mean im a single lad, but people are different, some want loads of mates im just happy with a few. ive noticed in a lot of friendships i am often the quiet submissive one. people with above average esteem who kind of look down on me do annoy me but i will just smile and get on with it......but i have noticed people say like 'if only you had more confidence' etc..... and sometimes when people talk in awe of really confident people i get over sensitive like they are hinting at me. dont get me wrong im happy when things go well for a mate but i do get a bit of envy, like iwish i was just that bit more confident. at the moment i dont really feel im taking charge or being dominant or competing even....so really im an unassuming non threat....just wanted your thought.....do people grow out of this?? ive tried books etc but what can truly help me start building esteem?

[Octavius]

You sure you aint jibjab?

He had similar issues and a lot of really helpful advice was given over a long period of time by many many people including me. I am not sure he took it in, he was a bit dim.

I might dig out one of the more fluid ones and post a link to it as the same advice applies here.

[cazzz1975]

yes I have the same feeling oct, sometimes it doesnt matter how many pages of advice you give, he never seemed to acknowledge it or act upon it

[angryman2008]

hi, no i can assure you im new to the site. i wouldnt say i was dim as i have a degree but anyone can get a degree these days cant they...id say maybe a little slow on the uptake?? maybe because im quiet i may come accross as dim, who knows

[beetlechick]

No one should even be hinting that you are a 'bit dim', great way to boost someones self esteem I dont think!
Angryman, you have every right to be treated with full respect and no one should be looking down on you. Im a pretty confiden person although it wasnt always the case, other people do make a difference but personally I got to a point where I thought yeh I am worth something and you are too!!!!
Hope things get better for you :-)

[China Doll]

Confidence is not about how loud you shout, it's about being sure of who and what you are. You don't sound like you're particularly hapy with your lot despite claims to the contrary and if you want that changing you're going to have to look to yourself to do it. There's lots of books and information out there on builing up confidence, just google it and I'm sure you'll find something useful. Failing that, blag it... you'll be suprised how well that works and you'll probably find that you wake up one day realising it's not a blag.

As to whether people with high self esteem/confidence look down on others... well for a start it's two seperate things. I'm a confident person but I wouldn't say my self esteem is particularly high. I don't look down on people with low self esteem or confidence but I would find it frustrating if they constantly whinged about it but did nthing to help themselves.

[saxy_jag]

My own self-esteem varies from very high to very low, depending on a number of factors. It's generally higher these days, though, than it was a few years ago. This is generally because those with higher self-esteem didn't look down on me, but focussed on my strengths and encouraged me to recognise them and develop them.

If I find myself with under-confident people then I really do try to treat them in the same way as I've been treated of late. I've found that if you take the time to find and recognise their talents and strengths, they often turn out to be amazing, wonderful people to know.

My advice to you, angryman, is to find yourself a new hobby, maybe something social - and I don't mean clubbing. For me, it was learning an instrument and joining a band, but you could take up a sport or join a class or something. Just get yourself immersed in the activity and the social side will develop. Yes, you may find yourself chatting with people with people you wouldn't look at twice in the street, but it's a wonderful feeling when, after a week or two, someone casually strolls over to you and asks what sort of week you've had, or how you're getting on with some aspect of the activity or whatever.

[Octavius]

I would say that I was not implying you were dim.

As my old China has said above, we (collective ABers) spent a lot of time and energy trying to help this jibjab overcome his self-perceived lack of oomph, whilst he maintained that everyone who was gobby, loud and Mr Shouty-Mouth was a success and got all the girls. He didn't even try to help himself, just kept asking the same Q over and over.

Shyness and low self esteem are a lot more common than many people realise. A lot of people mask this by being loud and falsely outgoing � the sort who tell you their whole life story in 30 seconds � these people are so insecure that more often they tell you everything to make themselves sound interesting, and hope that the conversation can be about them. They are not very good listeners, and will include gossiping about others as part of their repertoire.

The other end of the scale are the shy ones, who just listen. Not a bad thing, but it helps if you have some sort of reaction, and some people can be mightily impressed if you even exert yourself with a bit of pro-action.

I myself am a very very shy person � honestly � I am not outgoing, but people tell me I am what is known as �quietly self confident�. I can be outgoing of course, sometimes I need to be, but that is not my nature. It�s a balance, but generally you can�t change what is you but you can make yourself feel more at ease in social situations by remembering that everyone else is concealing their insecurities to impress you and others, and that you should just behave as the circumstance demands.

[beso]

When I was very young I was quite happy but puberty disturbed me and I developed a feeling of worthlessness that always stood between me and achieving anything.

I wasn't one of the cool guys who won at football and lifted weights or appeared to have high self esteem. I bore the brunt of their insulting sense of humor for being a skinny timid intellectual. I accepted their attutde to me that I was inadequate.

What I didn't realise was that there were other people who cared about me but were struggling with growing up themselves. Underneath all of us are insecure and some people do indeed deal with their own problems by putting others in thier place.

But eventually with life experience we get through it to have some idea about what we really belive in by somewhere in mid twenties for most. There is no substitute for that experience. Try to work out what is important to you and then life will take you on a journey that is like a journey sailiing on wind and current.

As John Lennon sang. Life is what happens while we're busy makin' other plans.

[wolf63]

I think that every body thinks 'if only' - we look at other people and make assumptions.

10 years ago - at my brother's wedding a guy said to me that I seemed really confident, happy and balanced. I had just been discharged from a psychiatric hospital after treatment for bipolar disorder.

I don't think that I am very confident, but people that I work with seem to think that I am.

When I am psychotic I am superwoman and totally invincible - (till they come to take me away ha ha).

Nobody is perfect and we are all a bit screwed up - but we just have to make the most of it and keep going.