I Can't cope with my feelings...my 30 year affair

[footymum]

30 years ago,I met my first love at school,he was 2 years older than me and I idolosed him...we were together for his final year at school and the day he left,he finished with me...he never told me why and I never got over him,I think about him every day and wonder what could have been..I'm 'happily' married with 2 lovely children..but on a wild impulse,I looked on an online networking site and found him,complete with a picture..like a fool,I contacted him and we met up last week..nothing has changed for me,I still love him as desperately as I ever did and we spent the evening holding hands and kissing...he's in a difficult situation at home,divorcing hs wife,but both refusing to leave the house,this has been going on for 3 years and they practically live separate lives,but they argue constantly and she just ups and leaves the house to go out with her mates...this has left me an emotional wreck since he came back into my life,I'm shouting at my children for nothing,not eating or sleeping and hate my husband near me...do I continue to meet him and hope that we do have a future together..or am I just going to end up with a broken heart again?

[sara3]

he broke your heart once, and I suspect he'll do it again.

he's saying he's in such a bad situation and now you'll be a welcome distraction. be very very careful.. he sounds like bad news.

take another look at your marriage and see if it's fixable. please don't leave your husband for this man.

[roxybabe]

as sara says ,think about this dont do anything stupid

[joggerjayne]

You have two children.

And, on top of that ...

... you have two children.

[pusskin]

footy mum.

The grass isnt greener on the other side. Stick with what you've got. You've got 2 lovly children who may suffer.
Stick with your hubbie in your happy marriage.

[footymum]

Thank you for that...I've been with my husband 20 years,married for 16 and I couldn't ak for a more caring,kind man,he's my best mate and I stupidly told him about my past love this morning (I woke him at 3am when he heard me crying) I just want 'one night' with my past love,I stupidly think that this will get him out of my system once and for all,but then,I've missed him every day of my life for the past 30 years and don't know if I could settle for just one time...I'm so mixed up and know that I'll end up with a broken heart one way or another..I even thought about him as I walked up the aisle to be married,so not sure where this leaves me..and not sure I could give him up again and cope.

[sara3]

btw, 27 years ago (when I was WAY too young) I met my first love. we married, we changed, we divorced.

he's not the same person he was then, even if you do still fancy him, and he's now decided he wants you in his life.

[bensmum]

I may sound cynical here but presumably you only have his word that his domestic situation is intolerable.
I agree with the others - you have a family and may be about to throw it all away for a fairytale. Please think very carefully before you do anything

[joggerjayne]

Lots of us (eg me) have had someone special in our lives, someone whom we loved so much that we thought we would die if we had to live without them.

And sometimes, we can't have them.

In my case, he was married with children.

In your case, you are married with children.

Children have no choice about being in this world. We put them here (not me, actually). That was a big decision. The next big decision is putting them before your first love.

It will never stop hurting, and I will certainly never stop hurting, but staying with your family will be the biggest, bravest decision you ever make ... and it will be the right decision.

Being a grown up is so painful.

[footymum]

Oh...my 14 year old saw him waiting for me in his car at our garden gate when I met up with him...really,really stupid,but I asked him to meet me at our home, he didn't want to but eventually agreed..my husband was out at a meeting and I didn't think my son would see him...I'm just acting so out of character and behaving really stupid.

[Lakitu]

Hi footymum,

In most cases, your first love is the one you will never forget. I don't doubt you were hurt when he ended it back then, but all these years later are you pining for something that wasn't real? Have you put this man up on an ill deserved pedestal?

I can't believe that if anyone was so unhappy in their marriage that they would stay with their partner for bricks and mortar, actually, I struggle to believe that anyone would stay in a marriage when there is no love. You say he has been complaining that his wife goes out with her mates, why is he so bothered if his marriage is in the state he says it is? Have you walked into his life and inflated his ego?

A lot of time has passed and neither you or he is the same person you were 20 years ago, people change.

Has this guy said he wants to be with you? If there's one thing in life I've learned is that if a man REALLY wants to be with you, he'd move heaven and earth to do it, otherwise we're just wasting our time and letting him have his cake and eat it.

Do you think that something is missing from your relationship with your husband? It's good he knows what's going on, maybe between you, you can get that spark back?

[Lakitu]

Blimey Jayne, are you me??? LOL

[pusskin]

hi footymum. you never know, maybe his wife cant wait to get rid of him. he may not be the man you think he is. he could be spinning a yarn. be very careful, dont do anything silly, like you said you did, by meeting him at your own front gate !!!! put him out of your mind

[footymum]

My husband asked very few questions...but ended by saying 'nothing happened so we won't talk about it again'...but something did happen for me...husband loves me but never says it out loud...but I know I've broken his heart...he looks dreadful this evening.

[Lakitu]

It sounds like you two DO need to have a talk about it. Can you arrange for the kids to go elsewhere and tell him what you think you're missing out on? Tell him you NEED to hear that he loves you every now and then too, because we all do, that's for sure.

[joggerjayne]

Lakitu ... I can't be you.

I'm too tall !

x

[pusskin]

hi footymum. I really do feel for you. it must be awful, pining for a man that you dont really know. You mention that your hubbie never says that he loves you ---that could be part of the problem. Good luck, and try to be strong !

[tatu]

i feel really sorry for ur hubby...u want to re consider ur marriage to him,what were u doing on a dating website? 1st time on it ? i would guess u were on it quite a while before u discovered ur first love ,am sure u didnt just find him on this site 1st go....u have allready told ur husband and now he knows,he will be thinking the worst,his world will be turned upside down ,if u want to try work things out with ur hubby then show him what u have written to people here,instead of him thinking u have been having an affair for ages he will at least see what ur going through by writing to ab,ers..so at least he will ave a clear picture in his mind what ur thoughts are/what ur feeling,it will hurt him but at least its better than him lying awake all nite worrying that its more than just a silly childhood thing,...this sounds like a silly stupid fatuation to me,ok u were both young and them feelings of wot if are still there but as u have been told people change,he wont be the same, that for sure..let the past stay in the past and enjoy ur memory of the past.ur hubby dont deserve this,come clean,u have insulted and disrespected ur good husband by even bringing this other guy round ur doorstep,so not on either!! anyway enough said..

[bednobs]

before i'd even finished reading your post i thought " i bet he says his marriage is over... his wife dosent understand him... they live seperate lives" etc etc

and lo and behold yes!

[footymum]

When I was with my past love 30 years ago,I was desperately unhappy at home,I'm an only child and always felt that I was a 'burden' for my parents,they were both more than happy to physically and mentally abuse me through my childhood,and even now,in my 40's,my dad still gets 'funny moods' and refuses to talk to me , they never allowed me to see my past love,in fact,they never allowed me to have any friends in our house,so me and past lover met beofre school,break,dinner and he sometimes walked me home...which always resulted in a smacked face for being late home...I clung to his love for support and thought he'd be there forever..but we did find time and places where we could be alone,and I felt so happy..this recent meeting has dredged up all those old memories and I really can't cope with it all.

[tatu]

maybe this is a good wake up call for u and ur hiusband,,he may start appreciating u more now!!!things like this happen to us all,dont worry too much no matter how hard,we are all tried and tested in our relationships and life in general.