I Can't cope with my feelings...my 30 year affair

[footymum]

30 years ago,I met my first love at school,he was 2 years older than me and I idolosed him...we were together for his final year at school and the day he left,he finished with me...he never told me why and I never got over him,I think about him every day and wonder what could have been..I'm 'happily' married with 2 lovely children..but on a wild impulse,I looked on an online networking site and found him,complete with a picture..like a fool,I contacted him and we met up last week..nothing has changed for me,I still love him as desperately as I ever did and we spent the evening holding hands and kissing...he's in a difficult situation at home,divorcing hs wife,but both refusing to leave the house,this has been going on for 3 years and they practically live separate lives,but they argue constantly and she just ups and leaves the house to go out with her mates...this has left me an emotional wreck since he came back into my life,I'm shouting at my children for nothing,not eating or sleeping and hate my husband near me...do I continue to meet him and hope that we do have a future together..or am I just going to end up with a broken heart again?

[footymum]

Tatu...honest,I simply wanted to see if I could find him again,he has an unusual surname,so while I was at work one day I simply went online and typed in his name..I've written to him about a dozen times on the site,but no longer use it as he emails or texts me instead and I'm really not interested in the site I found him on...he said he's on it because he was lonely and wanted to find old school friends.

[pusskin]

hi footymum.
I was right -- there are things in your past that have made you very unhappy. Talk to a councellor , and get it all off your chest. but--talk with your hubbie first, because I think he needs it more than anyone at the moment.(good luck)

[tatu]

hes no good for u ,move on or should i say stay where u are with ur hubby and kids,lifes not a bed of roses...good luck love

[zbearspirit]

Hi, I think you have held onto a dream in respect of your old love where you have put him on a pedestal and there he will aways stay. I dont think it's wrong to have special feelings that will always be there but you cant live your life on a dream. You are fortunate to have a husband who loves you and your children who adore you. Thety are real and like others have said he is not the man you fell in love with. Dont destroy what you have for something that may never be real.

[IggyB]

blimey isn't it a hard life when you have two people trying to make some sort of a life with you - one who has put up with you for 20 odd years and still doesn't seem to have got sick of you even now in the middle of your tedious midlife crisis.
So you can choose the hubby OR the other who fancies having you as a bit on the side that he can shag if things get a bit fraught at home and discard just as easily - so what do you think makes more sense stability, family, acceptance and love or a shag in the car park of the local pub every once in a while if the mood takes him?

[Velvetee]

What you're in love with are the memories and feelings of your time with him when you were young, carefree and in love for the very first time.

The reality of it is, you are now an adult, married with children. Perhaps you feel a little bored in your current situation and meeting him again gave you a little excitment and rekindled that young and in love feeling.

This guy tells you he is going through a divorce, but people have a habit of telling you what they think you want to hear, when they want something. For all you know, he could be "happily" married, but looking to have a sexual fling for a time.

My advice would be to stay strong, concentrate on your family, look to your future and stop living in the past. You are no longer a 14 year old kid and there are other people's lives at stake too, namely your husband, kids and the family of the guy you once knew. Sever all contact with this person.

[baileybird]

Footymum.
Why go out for a burger when you have fillet steak in the fridge???
Your husband sounds a kind guy - many would have walked away by now. All marriages become a little stale at times, but don't chuck it away for someone who meant something 30 years ago. Try to walk away from this man and give your marriage a damn good shot and if that does not work, THEN consider a relationship with the ex one he is divorced.

[brenda]

I am sorry to read of your situation but, for goodness sake pull yourself together You have 2 children for whom you have a resposibility, you are with a good and faithful man, do you really think you can turn back the clock without destroying a few lives?
Get a grip of yourself and realise that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.
If you spend all your time thinking about some guy from 30 years ago you really do need to get a life, get stuck in to a bit of real caring for your your family and stop being so b***dy stupid and totally self orientated.
Not what you want to hear , but there you are.

[Tups]

How right you are, velvetee! Nostalgia is such a dangerously strong emotion. That's why sites like Friends Reunited should carry a health warning! I know two couples who rekindled their 'love' via that site, eventually leaving their other halves, only to end up alone - no house, no partner, children not wanting to see them. We all go through vulnerable times in our relationships and look back with the old rose tinted specs to something we THINK was good long ago. It just doesn't work! Ditch this other fellow now and tell your husband you are very sorry you allowed 'old time sake' to get in the way. Reassure him you love him and want to be with him for the rest of your life. See this as a new beginning. You will need to be the strong one and make all the running - for your husband. You say he's a good man. And he's the father of your children. You have so much to lose. I urge you to do it! Ditch the fantasy and come back to reality before you lose everything! x

[Mamyalynne]

Hold tight to what you have you are really very lucky, don`t throw it away.

Mamya ( married 33 years ) and yes I had alove before, but now alone with my memories and no regrets.
xxx

[Petal~flower]

Hi footymum, I tend to agree with Brenda...You have 2 lovely children, and what you have said, a caring husband. So easy to go down memory lane and just remember the "good times"

How would you feel if your husband had found an ex, and was seeing her? How crap would that make you feel as a person?

Hold on to what you have now.

[jno]

you could maybe use some counselling on this one, footymum. What you're doing isn't right, but it looks as if it's tied up in your own past (as you recognise). Things buried that deep need professional help to dig up and deal with; well-meant advice on AB almost certainly won't be enough.

[Panic Button]

Your last line is right - you are going to end up broken hearted again.

He didn't come looking for you.

He can hardly believe his luck. A failed marriage, and suddenly you appear to make him feel attractive again.

Just remember he left you once before.

Think of your children and stop it now.

[dot.hawkes]

In his head this guy is still in his last day of school. He has probably been having extra marital affairs all his life. men like this are the preverbial leopard

[lil123]

I feel there are two issues here , your marriage that you feel isn't right and then this other bloke.
I was married along time and left my husband to be with someone else which turned out to be a massive mistake.
I went back then I left finally to be on my own which was the best thing I ever did as I have had time to find myself and enjoy my life on my own.
Yes, it is hard but you have to find your own happiness not from other people.
If you are going to leave your husband, my advice would be leave to be on your own for a while not to go to this other guy.
People change and I think you are in love with how he was before not now.

[bryher]

Please be careful, an ex of many many years ago made contact with me through Friends Reunited and proceeded to make my life hell . The Man I was madly in love with 26 years ago turned out to be a monster who told me a pack of lies about his life. The High flying career man was actually a Chronic Alcoholic who had gone from one abusive relationship to the next and sponged off any vulnerable female who came his way ( he could be very charming) after he died his sister contacted me which was just as strange as I hadn't seen her for about 27 years and accused me of all sorts of things and would not believe me when I said I had seen him only once. To save her feelings I missed out the bit about having to have his phone number blocked as he was phoning anything up to 20 times a day !!!!!
Just make sure that this man is the man he says he is 30 years is a long time and people do change

[barney1966]

I agree with those who talk about the trouble caused by these websites that thrive on nostalgia and revisiting the past - dangerous things to do.

You are behaving as if you want some sort of massive showdown (crying in the night, telling your husband, letting this guy come to your house and be seen by one of your children).

Please don't involve your children. I remember, when I was about 15, stumbling upon the sight of my Mum in a car with a bloke at a local meeting place. I'm not sure if she saw me. I also remember my parents rowing, the phone ringing and the receiver being put down if my Father or I answered and I found out from someone at school that something she was supposed to be doing on a Wednesday night that took her out of the house for the night - well she wasn't there, she hadn't been going for ages. We didn't talk about it then or thereafter. It made those already difficult teenage years even more difficult for me and always affected the opinion I had of my Mother, even though I loved her dearly. She died at quite a young age and there were so many things we never said, so many questions left unasked and unanswered.

[fideldyfee]

Think of your children and do not do this. My parents split up when i was 14, same kind of situation as yours and it was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. My teens were hell and although i am happy now, you never get over it and it taints all the hopes and dreams you are supposed to have of settling down and having a family of your own.
You dont want this for your kids believe me. Cut your ties with this guy and concentrate on what you have.