I've seen your threads reaching out for help, Theland, and I think you're overlooking the spiritual aspects of your situation. However, that would be a long subject and not well adapted to sites such as these, so just let me say (never having suffered from what you vividly describe) friends that have had such experience all have one thing in common in successfully over comming or at least being able to function and move on; goal setting and accomplishment.
One friend, a man nearly 60 years old, that had dealt with depression for over 20 years, decided one day, after receiving advice from a Pastor friend,by the way, to make a list of only three things that he could accomplish. The list had to be simple, do-able and recordable. The first thing on his list, which he shared with me, was so mundane to me, but became a point of demarcation to which he still refers today as "The Shemoth" (Exodus) (he is Jewish). That one thing was; clean the garage. It was a mess, but did fulfill the three requiremetns. It was simple; trash can, broom and garden hose. It was certainly do-able, (although a two day job evolved into three weeks) and he made it recordable with a simple log of events which he faithfully entered on a daily basis at exactly 7:00 PM..
The remaining three were equally as everyday, by my standards. The next was recording tjust one thing he did everyday that required faith.
Contd.