Grieving period

[sg]

I think I grieved for my father in the period between learning of his illness at christmas, and his funeral last weekend.
To my complete surprise I now feel fine again.
Is this normal? Am I just lucky? Is it a warning that I may relapse at some time?
Do you have any personal thoughts or experiences?

thanks

[sqad617]

sg......certainly your gieving experience is, in my opinion, within normal limits.

My mother died last year and I didn't grieve at all, mainly because we were not very close, maternally or geographically.

[Lakitu]

Hi SG,

Yes, this is perfectly normal. I had a similar experience when a family member I was very close to died of cancer. I spent a lot of time with him during his illness and the weekend before he passed away we both had a long chat. The upshot is that he died knowing how much I love him.

I spent around the same amount of time as yourself grieving and then I was OK.

That's not to say I don't miss him, of course I do, I just think that because I was lucky enough to say what I needed to, that helped me greatly.

When I think of him, it normally brings a smile to me remembering the times we shared.

[beejaybee]

What is grief ?? We`re all different in how someones death affects us. My mum dies 18 months ago, but I`ve not shed a single tear. We were very close, but I "lost" my my mum when her confussion started about 4 years before.

[Connemmara]

I loved my mother so much I grieved for 2 years genuinely not knowing day from night. Going into work not going into work. Could have lost my job but they were understanding. Yes 2 long years.

[Drisgirl]

Hi sg -I think its perfectly normal -I lost my Nannie a few years back and I didnt grieve as such but there wasnt a day which went past that I didnt think of her.
We had a sudden death in the family just over a year ago due to an accident and that is still painful as there was no time for goodbyes plus he was relatively young.
I personally think it depends on whether it was a shock or you were prepared for it through my own personal experience.
You will have your moments which will unexpectantly hit you but by and large I think your reaction is very normal.x

[Lil O'lady]

Absolutely totally normal.
Speaking from personal experience, there can be sense of great relief when someone close dies, if they have suffered and especially if you have had care of them. This is not selfish: it is in the knowledge that they are no longer suffering.
Bits may sneak up on you now and again - dreams, flashbacks, short snatches of sorrow - but you're OK and you'll carry on.

[shoemad]

My father died last year after a four year descent into demantia. My feelings when he died were of relief as I felt he's been gone from us for a while.
Like you, I think I grieved while he was still alive, breaking down at work and at home.
After the funeral I felt like a weight was lifted and life moved on as normal.
Don't beat yourself up over it, we are all different and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I'm sorry for your loss and hope that you continue to be all right.

[Mamyalynne]

sg there is no normal different for all and dependent on circumstances. I lost my darling husband last august after 34 years together, at first I thought I was going mad, then it dawned on me that to wish him back would be to wish him pain again, also the last weks I became his nurse so I let myself revert to his wife and grieved in my own way. As you say when the diagnosis comes we begin the process.

Take care
Mamya x

[ethandron]

grief takes as long as it takes, and whatever form it takes. there is no right and wrong, or timescale. the important thing is to go with the flow and not worry about it, it just has to be lived through in whatever way it manifests itself.
sg, you may find that it will hit you anew at some point, or not. sometimes the relief in the immediate aftermath of watching someone suffer turns into sadness or anger later on. or not.
i wish you well.

[Jillius]

I think that because he was ill for a few months before he died made it much easier. You almost prepare yourself mentally so that when it actually happens it isn't such a blow. Perhaps if he had died in an accident or very suddenly you would be feeling different....so yes, I think you are lucky !

[ummmm]

I don't agree with that Jillius. I lost my very close Uncle who died in his sleep. I could barely get off the sofa for weeks. My Dad was given 6 months to live and I watched him die. I slept by his bed every night and a year on I still have the memory of his face in my mind that just won't go away.

sg.....yes it is normal, but be prepared for it to hit you at different times. Certain songs etc.....

[tazmac25]

Hi SG

everyone is different as to how they grieve

I think there are good days and bad but when a person dies who is close to you I don't think you ever get over it - you just learn to deal with it in a different way

I'm great most of the time but then something silly will come on TV or be said and it throws me off - its been 10 years since I lost my daughter and I dont think I'm over it but I deal

As ummm says songs may trigger a memory even smells so just be aware of it

My thoughts and best wishes are with you
xx
Tazmac25

[Velvetee]

I'm sorry to hear of your recent loss SG and can appreciate what you are going through.

Grief affectes people differently. My mum died last Sunday and on the day, I cried all day. However, over the past 3 days or so, I've been able to talk about her, arrange the funeral etc, without shedding a tear. I have my moments, when I think back to good times and I'll have a sob for 10 minutes.

I was very close to her and doubt a day will ever pass where I don't think of her. I think I find comfort in that I had her in my life for 40 years, despite her numerous health problems in later life, when I could have been like alot of people, who never get to spend time with their mother or lose them alot earlier in life.

It also helps that I have a very loving and supportive partner, had I not, then things would be alot harder. The funeral is next Friday and I know I'll be inconsolable on the day.

[sg]

Thanks to you all for your answers. I take great comfort from them, and you have all helped me to understand a little more about what we all have to go through at times like these. Four months ago dad was a fit and happy 75 year-old. Now he has left us for good.
Velvetee, I am sorry for your loss, and I'm thinking of you as you prepare for your mother's funeral.
I found my dad's funeral heartbreaking but so wonderfully moving, it seems to have helped to close the door on my grief.

thanks again to all of you.