Affair

[Artemis]

I'm a married woman with two teenage children. I'm in my early 40's. My marriage is not exciting and I am considering having an affair. The man involved is single and really likes me. He doesn't want a commitment and feels safe because I'm married.

Has anyone  any thoughts? 

[Scarlett]

I don't see how any good can come of this really. It must be awful having an unexciting marriage. But for the sake of a bit of excitement you are risking breaking up your family home, and breaking your kids' hearts. It can still really affect them, even though they are older.

I suggest you resist temptation, and go to a counsellor (either alone or with your husband) to see if your marriage can be livened up! If you really are not in love with your husband anymore, and you are sure of this, consider a trial separation before you start seeing anyone else. This will help to clarify your feelings.

[andy hughes]

Sound advice from Scarlett. The 'excitement' you are looking for comes at a very high price indeed. Your potential partner may not be keen on you now, but what about the future? More importantly, there are your feelings for him, which may not stay as neutral as they are now. An outside relationship is only going to further deepen the rift with your husband, and eventually, he will find out. Try to save your marriage, with counselling if you can, before you embark on a solution that will cause pain for everyone concerned, including yourself. Sorry to sound so negative, but I'm afraid that this is the scenario you are heading into, you need to be very verysure your marriage is over, before you embark on any actions that will cause it to be so,

[Lindy Loo]

I have to agree with what has been said so far. If you went ahead with having an affair, you are the one with most to loose.... Your husband, your children,  all the others who within your family, and no doubt friends too.

A single man has nothing to loose.

As you have said 'he doesn't want commitment and  feels safe because I'm married'... he has the option to end the relationship at any time and where will that leave you...basically more hurt, frustrated and unloved feeling than you do now, plus you risk being alone.

 

My thoughts?.... work on what you have, rather than what you could have with another man.

[Weaza_cfc]

I am a teenager. I can only begin to describe what i would put my mum through if i found out she was having an affair. Have you even tried to save your marriage? It's a little boring? Then make it more exciting. You must have loved your husband at some point, find out why again. It takes two to make a relationship boring you know. Try as hard as you can before you take the easy way out. Please reconsider the affair. You will hurt your whole family, not to mention yourself.

[FP]

Perhaps I am wrong but I always thought that affairs happened because two people just could not help themselves.  I didn't think they were premeditated. 

 

You say you are 'considering' having an affair.  This sounds so cold and calculated.  I don't think you have feelings for the man concerned I think you just want to use him to liven up your life.  Why don't you take up an exciting hobby - even better take up something exciting with your husband?   Please consider your children!  They are still young and should still be your first priority.

[Robinia]

Great advice from the others, please consider what this could do to your children.  Don't think because they are older that they will understand.  I know of someone who has 'lost' her children/grandchildren by doing what you are contemplating.

[Tinker]

My mum and dad's marriage broke up because my mum had an affair when she was 39. I cannot describe how much it hurt my sister and i when we found out what she had done. From the children's point of you, whatever age they are, i doubt they will be able to understand your reasons for having an affair (let alone the fact you are actually plannig it). Stop being so selfish and talk to your husband.

[Roxy]

Everyone's right moon-child,

You have to think of your children- this could devestate them an ultimately make them lose all respect for you. Plus think of you poor husband at least, divorce him if the boredom is that bad (as a child of parents who divorced when i was 14- your gorunds suck by the way...) but a pre-calculated affair is fedinately not the answer...

[smartyangel*]

um, lady? ya, i think your crazy, and that is the dumbest question i have ever heard! i may only be 13, but at least i know that if your husband is really that boring, u should just try to tell him, not do something stupid like ahve an affair that could ruin your kids lives forever! i should know, my mom did the same thing you r thinkin about when i was 2, and my parents ended up getting a divorce. i mean the most anybody got out of it was a continuous court bill, and counseling visits.

[archbishop]

Looks like 8 against La affaire. And 3  think you need counseling, Artemis.

Well we can't have it to one sided now can we?

If you see no risk and you feel comfortable then go for it. Liven your life up, get the buzz back, and adrenaline flowing.

[Starryeyed41]

Speaking from experience here ...  youll probably end up falling in love with this man   mistaking love for lust, and end up totally alone as youll decide you want to leave your husband at which this point the man involved will run a mile. He's already told you he doensnt want commitment and just because you fall in love dont expect him to do the same.

[Octavius]

Sorry, it's just wrong.  Offer it on a plate why don't you!

At least try to sort things out with your husband 1st. 

[BenDToy]

As an exercise, try scrolling forward in time, and imagine all the likely endings to this step. The best, the worst and most likely. Like me, I guess you will find it hard to identify an outcome that makes this a worthwhile venture! Will he dump you before you want it to end and how will you feel, will you have to dump him (and how will he react?), will your husband find out? will you leave your husband to live with him? (what about the kids?) I defy you to find one that would justify doing this.

[georgit79]

As a child with divorced parents, I do have to add that you shouldn't try and stay together just for the kids' sake. If you don't love your husband anymore, then make a clean break (after you've considered all the options). My parents lived out an unhappy marriage for at least 3 years before they finally got divorced, and those 3 years were truly horrible. It is much fairer to the children in the long run (and, in most cases, in the short term too) if couples who have run out of love get divorced. Also- don't do anything in secret. Everything you do must be out in the open and your children should know about it. I speak from experience here too.

[georgit79]

I have to add to this as I cannot stress highly enough the importance of not keeping secrets from your children. This post is bringing everything back to me: all the heartache, bitterness, turmoil, hatred...and I was 13 at the time. Are you willing to risk your children feeling like that just because you fancy a bit of male attention from someone other than your husband?

[Merlin]

Did you make promises to your husband when you married? Did you marry in church and make those promises before your God? Did you make promises in front of any other witnesses?

Does your husband "feel safe because you are married"?

What has your husband done to deserve this betrayal. If your marriage is not exciting, it's as much your fault as his.

Kill all your birds with one stone - take the initiative - pretend your husband is a single stud you've just met. Put on your glad rags, drag him out to an intimate restaurant, get a saucy cab ride home, then........

And something like that every now and then. He might get the message and return the favour sometimes.

[Tinker]

hi again Artemis. I just thought i'd add that even now, 12 years on from it all....i don't really have a proper relationship with my mum. i know it might not be the same with your kids, but i still think about thier divorce alot and still can't believe what she did. The whole thing affected me quite alot. i was at a vunerable age (9) and it was just awful for everyone (esp. my poor dad). I won't ever forgive her for not even trying to sort stuff out with dad. once she told me she regretted it all.....but that was only once, then she started crying and we didnt speak about it again. i hope you can sort things out, if not with your husband then at least with yourself.

[lodekka]

Sometimes what you think what you want isn't really there at all.