In a dilemma----

[brenda]

have been asked to attend the funeral of an old friend on Friday. The deceased always told everyone that when he eventually died he wanted his ceremony to be on a light a note as possible, no black clothes , no long drawn out hymns , no sombre music , plenty of flowers if possible , and a small reception at his local pub.All this was included in his will.
His daughter rang me yesterday to say that the family have decided to have a very formal funeral,flowers are not required and would I wear an appropriate black outfit,and the reception will be a meal in a very good hotel..
I am a bit shocked by this , and now I don't know what to do. I do not have an appropriate black outfit, in fact there is nothing black in my wardrobe at all,so a problem .
I would like to go to the funeral , last respects and all that, but I do not want to cause the family upset in this setting., I want to leave some flowers at the graveside, just some yellow and white tulips which he loved, and I know I can go and put these there later ,say tomorrow.
But feel in my heart that he would be very upset by these arrangements and don't want to go really, if I am totally honest .Advice please,would be really helpful.

[Booldawg]

First off, sorry to hear about your friend passing away. I guess you have to go along with what the family want even though you know its not what your friend wanted. The important part is being there.

As you said you dont want to cause any upset on the day, funerals are emotional fraught enough as it is.

You can have a few words to him on your own when you lay the flowers!

Do you have anyone you can borrow a black outfit from if you're not able to get one before the day?

[Sqad]

Booldog is spot on.

It is not what the deceased wants that seems to be important, it is what the family wants.

Go with the flow.

[LoftyLottie]

I understand how you feel. I arranged my Mum's funeral exactly as I knew she wanted it. I thought it was the very last thing I could do for her and she would have hated a formal, religious funeral. It turned out to be a wonderful and very spiritual occasion. But I digress.

For your friend's sake, his family's sake and ,most of all, for your own sake, I would go. If you don't have black clothes wear dark clothes. You could politely say that you cannot attend the meal after the funeral.

You will feel better for going. And yes, I am sure you will not upset anybody if you place some flowers at his graveside the following day.

[ethandron]

have to agree with what's been said already. i'm sure you wouldn't offend any of the family if you wore something grey, dark green, burgundy, navy or brown, something smart and fairly sombre, i doubt anyone would expect you to go out and buy a black coat or outfit. and it wouldn't be what your friend would expect you to do either.
funerals are really about the family and helping them through a very difficult time. you just have to go with it, think your own thoughts privately and say your own goodbye at a later date if that's what you want to do.
alternatively, make a plausible excuse and don't attend, i doubt anyone will give it a second thought.

[brenda]

thanks everyone for your advice, panic over, have borrowed a black/dark grey jacket from another friend , black trousers from my daughter, a dark grey T shirt from my son, have black shoes, got a handbag from the charity shop in the next village, so am set up.Feel tremendous relief that I shall be able to go. Have had some tulips made up for the next day, and will go and say a final farewell dressed in my normal riotous , miscellany of colours.Thanks again everyone.

[LoftyLottie]

Well done Brenda x

[ethandron]

i think your friend would be very pleased to see you in your riotous miscellany of colours brenda, you can come to my funeral if you like (i prefer gerberas) :)
i hope friday goes as well as these things can go.

[brenda]

Oh ethandron --don't go just yet -- just getting to know you-- and I can't cry two days running.! And gerberas it will be just send me an e-mail when you want them!

Thanks again everyone feel much more calm now , at first I was really angry at the family overriding what he would have wanted , but I can now understand their view thanks to you all.

[whiskeryron]

I'm sorry to disagree with you all, but brenda did say that her friend had stated & also left a message in his will how exactly his funeral arrangements should be dealt with. I think it is disgusting that his own personal opinion has been dealt with in this way, he has been completely ignored & I tell you all if it was my funeral I would hope to haunt the lot of them.

[ethandron]

i agree with you whiskeryron, the family are wrong not to follow his wishes....but that's not brenda's problem, and there's nothing she can do about it as she's not next of kin or involved in organising the funeral.
it's brenda who is/was facing this dilemma and all the answers here have been for brenda and suggestions on how SHE can cope with it.
the last funeral i was involved in was my divorced sister's, 18 months ago, and believe you me, the way her 3 daughters organised it was appaling. i was highly embarrassed and somewhat ashamed, and i know my sister would have been mortified had she known. i was asked for my opinion - and then ignored, so just had to go with the flow. there is no way i wouldn't have attended my own sister's funeral, or have fallen out with my nieces over it.

[brenda]

Update on the earlier post-----went to the funeral as asked. The service was attended his 2 sons , daughter, their spouses , 2 very old gentlemen with whom he played dominoes and myself.The church was very, very cold and the vicar who did not know Joe spoke about his life , based on information given to him by the family, who saw him very infrequently and really knew little about him in his latter years, so the address was mostly fiction.We attempted to sing the hymns which went on forever, and then out to the cemetery.
Last respects paid and then to the reception,food adequate but not too warm when served.I sat with the 2 old boys both of whom have difficulty in hearing so that was not easy.
At the end of the meal the eldest son came to our table and presented us with a bill for £17.50p each.The 2 old boys didn't comprehend what he was talking about and hadn't got enough money between them to pay.I didn't have enough cash and paid for us by credit card-- but I was absolutely furious.It was only out of respect for Joe our late friend that prevented me from really losing it and telling them what a bunch of s***s they all were.I feel sickened by all this but tomorrow ,I shall go to the grave as I said earlier, I'll give you an update on that later.on.And yes-- both old boys have sent me the cash back via their families.What is it that they say about not being able to choose your family-- in Joe's case sad but true.