worried

[nextqueen]

should i be worried? saw on computer history that hubby has been looking at porn, affairs in hotel websites and may have registerd to adultfinder website. i can see he has also looked up a woman he had an affair with previoulsy. i want to confront him but also at the same time want to keep looking at history to see what he is up to. what should i do for the best?

[Sqad]

rowan....just seen your post. Well written and I tend to agree.

Watching porn isn't a "woman's thing".........it is a "man's thing just as the thread about a "girls night in" is a woman's thing and not a man's thing.....generally speaking.

Past girl friends coming to the fore may indicate a problem with their relationship or again, just excitement.

To be fair, we need to know his side of the story.

[Sqad]

NoM. Multiple affairs are not uncommon in many marriages and it is up to the other half to decide whether or not splitting up is the answer.
It may be or to tolerate the infidelity might be the better option.

[jackthehat]

To be fair, no we don't, sqad.............

You'll know your husband far better than any of us on here will ever manage. If you are willing to accept that his version of events has a 'ring-of-truth' about it then you'll just have to sit tight..........
However, I suspect that you'll just drive yourself mad trying to catch him out.
I don't think you've moved on as far passed his affair as you really would have liked. Perhaps that's where you really need to start ?

[NoMercy]

Once would be enough to make me leave, Sqad. I could forgive most things, but cheating... no. I wouldn't going stringing him up by his gonads or slicing my way through his clothes... I'd just make a dignified exit.

[rowanwitch]

If the rest of the relationship is good then I know of women who tolerate their husband playing away....In return they get the home, the kids, the income to enjoy their social lives...and husbands who understand the deal includes the wife's demands take precedence....this is rare...others stay in this situation because they can't bear the alternative... I don't sense much love in the post and that makes me sad for nextqueen....If they have children couples counselling may be helpful...as they both seem to have issues to work out....

[DickieBrakelight]

Has he not seen that current TV ad for 'in private browsing'?

[Sqad]

NoM fine....kick him out, but many women wouldn't for the reasons given by rowan.....you can't have everything in a relationship, so you need to assess the pluses and minuses and then make your decision.
Men and women are human you know and both sexes succumb to human failings.

Relate and counselling in my opinion offer very little.............as does AB.

[Sqad]

JTH......quite..........who wants to know the other side if the story, anyway.

[pastafreak]

When I discovered my husband was having an affair,after the initial shock I decided to keep it to myself, and say nothing. By that time I was no longer in love with him and it did not affect me emotionally as it would have had I still cared. If there had been love between us-then I know I would have made an effort to work things out. But it was too far gone. I left a year later-when I was emotionally ready. We never discussed it...an indication of how dead things were.
nextqueen needs to look at their relationship as it is,and decide whether it is worth saving. If it isn't....don't hang around any longer than you have to....start a new life.

[NoMercy]

Sqad... I'm not suggesting that the OP kicks him out. I'm saying what I would do if my partner/husband cheated on me. Some people would forgive infidelity... I'd forgive anything but infidelity.

[RATTER15]

It was a long time ago when looked at porn on the internet, more out of curiosity really, it actually does nothing for me!

I think affairs are not just a physical thing, their can also be an emotional affair, I wouldn't want my woman texting another guy or looking him up on the net and dreaming she was with him while making love to me!

Its not exactly commitment is it!!

[Sqad]

NoM...I understand that..................that would be your answer.

pastafreak............not an uncommon situation.

Ratter...neither would i, but the question is......"what would you do about it?"...that is even if you knew that it was happening............which it might well be.

[pastafreak]

I know sqad....'what the eye doesn't see...etc'....it is easy to just toddle along if you feel you are still at least friends with each other.

[RATTER15]

Sqad, my answer to that is:

I would talk to her and if there is problem with the relationship then I would make every attempt to try and sort it, if she denies it and I know for a fact it has happened I would say good buy. If I don't have her mind, her soul and her commitment she wont have anything else I want!!

[Sqad]

Ratter....that is fine.

[RATTER15]

Well ty Sqad :-)

[nextqueen]

ive asked hubby if hes searched for this woman, he absolutely denies it. i know ive sometimes looked her up etc. but its not me. when i look at history on computer she has been searched for in between some job searches he did when he took his own computer to work. all are in timeline order. i dont want to show him this as he will then see how i know things and then the porn thing will come up. dont know what to do for best.

[maclarencat]

If you find he is interested in having another affair or he admits he has been looking at porn or that yes he was researching his ex what are you going to do. If your intention is to leave him then go now you dont trust him anyway. There is no point in torchuring yourself like this. If you intend to stay stop checking up on him its not helping you need some councilling. You need to have a good think about what is in this relationship for you and is it enough? Talk to him be honest. Good luck to you hope whatever happens you find some peace from your problems

[cazzz1975]

there is obviously a bigger picture here, how is the relationship as a whole? maybe he is not feeling very happy at home or work? looking up past ex's or contemplating having an affair is symptoms of him not feeling happy or connected in his marriage.

by confronting him about his sites visited will only make him more secretive, maybe you both need to work on your relationship a bit, it may be just a rut or him feeling down.

[nextqueen]

he says hes never been happier and he still wont admit hes searched for her. im scared to confront him about the other thing, porn etc. im just asking him to tell me the truth re her, he knows what hes done on the computer and hes disrespecting me. maybe i want him to tell me everything without me having to show him how i can see it on the computer but dont really want to do that. he knows what ive seen. hes saying, show me proof because there isnt any and he hasnt done anything. having a big stand off at the moment with him while i gather my thoughts.