best way to deal with someone with an OCD...

[joko]

should you just go along with it, abiding by their wishes, not complaining etc

or confront it, show them its over the top and petty and go along with it but challenge it too

or just outright challenge it and refuse to do it?

(boyf is ocd about cleaning, but moans a lot about me washing up or wiping down mess or taking plates to the kitchen etc - he will say take your plate out the minute the last mouthful goes in...he watches me cook, huffing about and wiping and moving things into the sink etc, while im still cooking, wants me to wash up even one pan before i eat etc...generally just obsessed with the kitchen, and has a 'way' with everything)

at the moment i do the middle one... i do it but i do it my way and dont jump to orders and pull him up on them...i realise its not his 'fault' exactly but its quite tedious...

am i handling it correctly?

[cazzz1975]

maybe look at pulling your weight in area's he may struggle in?

[woofgang]

if it is OCD and not your opinion, he CANNOT learn to let it go. if it isn't OCD and he is happy like that then why should he let it go to please you? Either live with it or walk, there is no middle way.

[joko]

i do that to cazzz...he doesnt see it that way though...he just wants things a certain way, but feels its unfair to do it all himself...he cannot moan at his flatmate about it (who is more like me) as he will just tell him to sod off...as i would if i was an equal in the house...but im not, im a guest...

woofgang...i dont agree...people get therapy, counselling etc for these things so they can be altered.

and he most certainly isnt happy that way.

and why exactly shouldnt he let it go? are you suggesting thats its a desirable way to be?
regard;ess of whether it pleases me or not, it is not healthy to be so obsessive over petty things...and if its destryong his relationships id say thats a good enough reason to try and address the matter...

[ladyalex]

The trouble is, Joko, that HE is not addressing the matter.
You're trying to, but I see no sign that he is looking at changing his behaviour in any way.

If he has got OCD, treatments are available.
If he's controlling, treatments are available but he's unlikely to take them up.
If he's both, I think you need to tot up the pluses and minuses for you in this relationship.

[joko]

well he wont unless it presents problems to him will he...?

if i just go along with it, he will just think its perfectly acceptable behaviour...only by constantly reiterating that its a problem may he start to acknowledge and accept that perhaps he should try a bit harder...

[ladyalex]

No he won't change/address whatever problems he has until he is aware that he has to address them.
Meanwhile I would guess that he will say/believe that you are the one that has or is giving him problems.

Is he worth it ? Only you know.

[smurfchops]

I like a clean kitchen and I must admit I start washing up while OH is still eating his breakfast (I have other things I need to do, I don't have time to sit and watch him eat toast) but I think I would say to your OH, its getting a bit over the top, and ask HIM do the cooking. You can then do the cleaning up afterwards.

[joko]

i am very much aware that i could leave over this and i have to see whether i can live with it.

however - that was not my question.

my question was best way to deal with it.

i wonder if by challenging him all the time, that in effect makes him more stressed...and more ocd...could this be the case and if i just did what he wanted his ocd might 'calm' down a bit...maybe even 'wear off' a bit, if you get me...

or will getting his own way just make him worse...

[ladyalex]

Having OCD is dreadful.
It is based on overwhelming anxiety which for some reason has attached itself to mundane , everyday tasks.
Continuing to wipe up, clean up etc , although an attempt to reduce the anxiety, also increases it. Trying to stop cleaning etc also increases the anxiety.
So.....
challenging him will make him worse and letting him have his own way will make him worse.
If he has OCD.
If he has got this dreadful condition and you wish to continue your relationship with him, you have to accept that you cannot modify his behaviour. You can try to reduce his anxiety in any way that you think possible, but mainly you should encourage him to go to his GP for treatment.

If he hasn't got OCD, and is controlling,if you challenge him he will get worse and if you give in to him he will get worse.
Sorry to be so pessimistic, but that's how I see it.
My honest opinion is that he is controlling and you should bin him...but what do I know?

[woofgang]

ladyalex are you me? you have said exactly what i would have said. Joko you haven't answered my question
Is his OCD a diagnosed condition or is it your opinion?

Either way HE has to want to change

[karenmac60]

He sounds more anal than OCD to me. I think what you really have to ask yourself is, would you be happy raising children in that environment. If you stay together then it is likely you will have a family some day - would you be happy having your children raised with the opinion that cleanliness is a constant necessity? That going out and playing and getting grubby are unacceptable? If he does not confront his problems then that is how it will be.

[joko]

yes i know that...i am asking how best to approach the situation, not relationship advice for the future...that is why i am asking the question.

i am fully aware that left as it is, he will drive me mad...

i dont mind mess and dont want to be dictated to about things like that, so i want to know if there is anything practical i can do about before i give up on it...

i dont want to split if hes ill or just because hes fussy about tidying...but if i cant help him change/adjust it then i may have too...i know that already

he has not been diagnosed by a doctor...it is HIS opinion...not mine...for now i am accepting thats what it is.

i wonder if anyone on here has a family member like this - how do you deal with it?

[joko]

i do think he knows he over the top , admits it, but also is just resigned to it...just thinks well thats how i am...he cant stop as it upsets him...so he needs help, but i dont think at this stage he would agree to see a doc...hed think it was silly...

thanks to all for the answerrs

[ladyalex]

Actually, I think you want people on here to confirm what you think, not give you advice or information.
So, do what you want to do, you're going to anyway.

[karenmac60]

I didn't mean to sound as if I was giving relationship Joko, but it sounds more like an issue of control than OCD and I've been there. You can't change someone like that and if he is claiming it's OCD that may just be a getout for him not to change - by claiming he can't help it. Genuine OCD, while it is not a choice for the sufferer to be like that, can be brought under control through therapy. But since he hasn't even gone to a Dr for a diagnosis it seems unlikely he would go for treatment.

[AlBags]

How's your OCD anyway K?
Ok at the moment? If not, I'm sure we could soon whip you ijto shape ; )
x

[karenmac60]

I'd be quite pleased to have a wee bout of OCD Al - my house is a ruddy tip :) x

[AlBags]

I'll pop round and clean for you anytime x

[joko]

err...lady alex...ive asked what i asked...you seem to assume a lot.

you asked "what do i know?" and you hit the nail on the head...you dont know anything about me or him, yet appear to have an attitude and think you do...strange...

thanks karen...i think he only just realising how it affects him....by me an his flatmate pointing it out...hes never had anyone to watch or bother about mess til me...he always just did what he needed to...i want him to finally realise its a problem an seek help....i think he just assumed everyone was the same,,,

[ummmm]

How long has he been doing this?

Besides the kitchen carry on...what else does he do?