Marriage troubles

[daddylonglegs]

I need some advice. I'm in my early 30s and have been with my husband for 16 years. We have three children together. My husband does not respect me as he carries on doing things that he knows I have issues with. Porn, always looking at different women and some years ago he spied on my younger sister whilst she was getting dressed and also sexually asssulted her ( he groped her chest but she never went to the police) and through all of this I still stuck by him. Husband never surprises me, hes never interested in what I say anymore hes either watching films, playing the computer or out golfing, snooker, and football with his mates. Every time he gets caught with the porn we have an argument, he says hes sorry he loves me blah blah blah everything's good for a few months and then it all happens again. Yes I know its my fault as im constantly saying this is your last chance then of course he does it again and then again I take him back. Im a stupid mug with no self-esteem because of this but our kids absolutely dote on him and despite his faults hes a really good dad. Has anyone been through something similar, what did you do? Did you stay or leave? Surely if he really loved me he wouldn't keep doing what he does as he knows it upsets me. I feel physically sick at the moment as I feel like i'm married to a perverted creep. I know that some men look at porn im not stupid but its just something that im really against and he knows it.

[bednobs]

"some men look at porn" !!!!! errrr wrong words at the beginning there. Most men and most women look at porn

[bednobs]

if you took the porn out of the equation, would you still want to leave?

[rowanwitch]

You were with him very young...I wonder if you are maybe a little 'safe' perhaps trying to find some softish porn you can tolerate and watching it with him might be a start. if it is not really nasty stuff involving children or animals it is better than if he played away.... so far as the other stuff is concerned make it clear to him he has a problem with inappropriate boundaries and you find it distressing . But if he is addicted to the porn the choice may be deal with it or leave and it sounds to me like that isn't really an option for you

[daddylonglegs]

I've researched it and 25% look at porn so not most men!! I just don't know what to say or do anymore.

[bednobs]

i seriously don't believe you

[rowanwitch]

Every man I have ever known has looked at porn maybe only 25% admit to it..

[bednobs]

but even if 25% is true .. that's one quarter of all men - a not insignificant amount .. if you put the porn aside would you want to be with him?
plus if you keep catching him, he either needs to get better at hiding it or you need to give him more privacy

[EvianBaby]

I don't see what's so wrong with a bloke looking at porn (unless it's of a bad kind). IT's just a fantasy.

[chas2008]

every bloke (and many women) i know, who own a PC look or have looked at porn sometime, its just so easy with the internet

[tinkerbell23]

Porn isnt something that bothers me- but he knows it bothers you, is he interested in sleeping with you still?

Has your sister forgiven him?

You are not very happy and i dont think its a good idea to stay with someone because of the kids but i understand thats easy for me to say!!! X

[rowanwitch]

And the truth is most of them know the difference it is no different really to looking at Johnny Depp in a movie and imagining what you could do with him given the oportunity

[rockyracoon]

That's 25% that admit to watching it, most of the blokes I know watch it, there's nothing wrong with it unless it gets to be an obsession. Personally, I think your husband's behaviour towards your sister is far more of a worry. Do you still love him?

[mccfluff]

you bothered about the porn when he "groped" your sister...

is it me or are theowls flying low today

[Ric.ror]

MccFluff - you echo my thoughts - get rid of the computer to get rid of the porn - but he groped your sister - thats your problem here

[daddylonglegs]

Yes of course groping my sister is a much larger worry for me then the porn and i will never forget what he did but it happened years ago, my sister has forgiven him. She said everyone makes mistakes.

[Kiki-frog]

I can't help thinking that the porn issue is missing the point. Your words "I'm a stupid mug with no self-esteem" is what lies at the heart of the matter. I wonder if perhaps you're comparing yourself with the images of the women he is looking at? It doesn't really matter whether it's 25% or 100% of men who look at porn, that's totally irrelevant - the thing is that your man does, and it's making you unhappy. Plus the fact that you say he's always playing golf, snooker, etc, suggests that you feel totally overlooked in your relationship.

If that's the case, then you really do need to talk to him without getting angry or tearful. If he feels backed into a corner by an emotional reaction from you that he can't handle, that is going to make things worse in the long run.

Why not try writing down all your feelings, then go through them, edit and edit again and come up with a calm and logical statement of how you feel. Then read it through and rehearse it until you feel you are able to say it out loud. Then talk to him, tell him how you feel, tell him that you feel the marriage is in danger, and give him time to reply. Don't lose your temper and don't cry and above all let him have his say.

And as a separate activity, just for yourself, make a list of all the things you are good at, all your attractive points, all the best bits of your personality. Then read them back and tell yourself you're gorgeous.

Just a few thoughts.

[daddylonglegs]

Yes your right in a normal relationship maybe the porn wouldn't bother me, I don't know. But my relationship obviously isn't a normal one.

[tamborine]

I replaced the porn faces with his mum & sisters pictures, adding goolies etc. Porn soon became a joke. And I donated the mags to his mums WI stall - lol

[rowanwitch]

good advice Kiki frog I'd also add that it might be worth contacting your local mental health service to see if they have any womens groups working on low self esteem you can self refer to.... they do help and a bit of sisterhood might give you the push you need....

[Kiki-frog]

Why isn't it a normal relationship? I can think of several women who married young, had children and went through a period of lacking self-esteem. It's more common than you think.