Am I Doing Something So Wrong?

[777Jef]

I have been with my g/f for a year. I have an 8yr old son from a previous marriage that ended 4 years ago. My g/f is extremely jealous / insecure about my ex, mainly because we maintain amicable relations that I think benefits our son.
Problems have escalated recently and my g/f has kind of issued some 'ultimatums' to me!
My ex and I have made a point of being there on Xmas day to watch him open his presents, either she would come to mine or I would go to hers around 6.30am when he wakes up and both enjoy that present opening moment, then would leave shortly afterwards. Aside from that, his birthday has just gone by and she did a small gathering of family / friends at her house that I attended and I did a party for his school friends at the weekend that she attended.
My g/f has declared this as weird behaviour that sends out the wrong messages to our son and that it must stop. The only person this bothers is her, so I just don't get why it's a problem. She has met my ex, who was nice to her, but this jealousy remains.
Her fuel for this jealousy stems from going through my phone earlier in the year and seeing friendly texts that were sent between us that were signed off with a couple of 'x's. My ex was having a very bad time, was on anti depressants and this was having a negative affect on our son. I was being nice, compassionate, friendly, just trying to ease the impact of her problems on our son.
So... Am I so wrong? I'm so confused by this and just feel dictated to by my g/f

[VHG]

OldGeezer made a very good point about bringing "baggage" (for want of a better word) with us when we start a new relationship.

As we grow up most of us do silly things, get drunk too often, maybe get in trouble with the police, we have numerous boyfriends/girlfriends, maybe we have been married before or have children from previous relationships.

But all these things we do in our previous life make us the person we are NOW.

I assume your current girlfriend likes/loves you, but without these past experiences YOU would not be the person you are NOW.

If she cant cope with these past experiences then she is going to have a problem whoever she is with because everyone she meets will have past experiences.

As I said before, try to boost her confidence, but let he know that EVERYTHING you have done in your life makes you the person you are now.

Nothing is going to change that, so she may have to change.

[Sqad]

ummmm

\\\\\Sqad....I'm a decade or two older and I don't go through my partners phone, ever! It's something I wouldn't dream of doing. To me it's on a par with opening someone private mail. \\\\

Good for you......if i thought that my partner/wife was cheating on me i wouldn't HESITATE to go through her phone...her private mail....and employ a private detective to follow her.

Get the picture?

[kvalidir]

My mother has a saying about dogs, which she also applies to people (platonic and romantic) and it does seem to hold true.
'You can introduce any amount of happy well adjusted dogs to one another and they'll all just muddle along happily working things out, the problems only start when you get a psycho unstable dog in the pack'.

[Sqad]

Kvali.........eh?

[maggiebee]

Personally I don't think you are doing anything wrong Jeff - in fact I would question your g/f's behaviour. You are trying to give your son a normal childhood and from what you say, making a very good job of it. Please don't be intimidated into breaking all ties, I feel you would regret it in the future.

[kvalidir]

Okay translation just for you Sqad- although I'm sure you understand perfectly already.
When you choose a new partner/ friend/ associate etc, it will ALWAYS work if that person is happy and stable and you bring them into the mix that is your social life. Only if they have an unstable, jealous, needy, violent, aggressive natures will it cause a problem with how your life runs existingly, which is why she doesn't tolerate people prone to go off on their own self indulgent tangents because it screws up our pleasant life of everyone else getting on.
Simples, no?

[Sqad]

Kvali

\\\\Simples, no?\\\

No.

\\\When you choose a new partner/ friend/ associate etc, it will ALWAYS work if that person is happy and stable and you bring them into the mix that is your social life///

How many people are "happy and stable?"

Just look at AB answers and see the "cries of help" and the number of people on anti-depressants........what IS normal

Got to cut this short as I am late for my Club.

[ummmm]

Sqad....I thought you said previously that your wife had cheated on you?

[Prudie]

Well my ex-husband had me followed by a private detective a year after I'd left him (who also took photos of my washing line) - now that was invasive and deranged...

[Sqad]

ummmm

\\\Sqad....I thought you said previously that your wife had cheated on you?\\

So! what is the relevance of your post to this thread?

[B00]

"Am I Doing Something So Wrong?"

Short answer- no you're not.

Continue to put your son first and foremost. It's the choice of your girlfriend whether she accepts this or moves on and you must be a patient sod not to have already given her this ultimatum!

[andy-hughes]

Sqad - "My point was at 16 you may have had one BF, but at 60 you may have had 3 marriages (wives) 25 one night stands and four lovers..........thus increasing your chance of having your "privacy invaded)............as well as other "bits" invaded........;-)"

I am sixty next Sunday - 9 November - so I may not be on AB for a while - I've got some SERIOUS making-up-for-lost-time to do!!!!!

[Sqad]

andy........well you will be missed on AB..;-)

[andy-hughes]

Thanks sqad.

I have thought about it, and decided that the effort of being charming enough to complete that list will probably lead to a heart attack!

That's aside from the fact that my ability to deceive the present Mrs Hughes is slightly less than zero, so that would involve her in the tiresome task fo killing me, bringing me back to live, and then killing me again!

So I think I'll stay on here, where it's nice and safe.

[woofgang]

I don't think that the important thing is wrong or right here. You and your ex have decided on a course of action that is right for your child. It sounds like its not negotiable and I can see why. Therefore if its a deal breaker for your new girlfriend then its a deal breaker and that ends the relationship.

[Retrochic]

There are degrees of familiarity with your Ex its not black and white. Frankly I would find getting up at 6.30am to spend Xmas with your ex and son a bit too much -could you not celebrate Xmas the night before have a daddy Xmas ? and when you are invited to your ex's family functions is your GF invited also? If not then that's a bit odd too. Are you living with your GF and her daughter? If so then she has no right to complain about you having your son every weekend, if not then she may have a point and can you not arrange it that at least once a month her daughter goes to relatives and your sons stays with mum and you and your GF have quality time together. Having said all that she has no right to give ultimatums .

[in a mo]

I for one find it very difficult to understand how one can still maintain relationships once there has been a split, in my humble opinion a split should mean just that,these things can never work ,when you have split from one and then found another ,you must be able to see it from your G/F perspective ,all this opening Xmas presents etc how long should this carry on for ,this is not good ,I am not a jealous person but I am getting wound up just thinking about how generous you feel you are with your time for your EX, please remember she is just that she is your ex ,I think that your new relationship should take priority,no matter how pleasant you might think your ex is to your G/F,you should know by now females and males are wired differently that is certain it is well documented.
You could split from your present G/F only to find the same thing will happen with the next one .The result will be you will end up on your own ,your son reaches the age where he limits contact has his own friends relationships ,your wife has her relationships and you will still be on your own.
I obviously have NO REAL idea of your true situation,these are just ramblings throwing a few suggestion into the mix and just see if you can make any sense of it all.
Kindest Thoughts In A Mo

[andy-hughes]

kvalidir - "My mother has a saying about dogs, which she also applies to people (platonic and romantic) and it does seem to hold true.
'You can introduce any amount of happy well adjusted dogs to one another and they'll all just muddle along happily working things out, the problems only start when you get a psycho unstable dog in the pack'."

I don;t think that holds water at all.

Humans are vastly more complex animals than dogs, and their emotional interactions are immensely more nuanced and detailed than to be compared withe pack mentality.

Groups of dogs who get on together get on because they adopt a pack hierarchy - one dog is 'top dog' and the rest fall into line.

But that does not mean that there are not always one or more dogs ready to challenge the top dog for leadership. This will result in anything from a a growling stand-off to a fight leading to injury or death.

Either the top dog wins, and things return to where they were, or another dog takes over, and the cylce starts again.

Similarly mature male dogs will try to mate with any mature female *** in season, be she his mother, sister or daughter.

With these cursorary examples, your mum's parallels between social groups of dogs and socail groups of humans falls apart really quickly.

[B00]

I don't see it as him spending time with his ex, I see this as him spending time with his son, as he should, and his ex happens to be around. The fact that they're able to be amicable about the split also tells me they've handled it with a admirable level of maturity, after all they're gonna have to be in some form of contact until the son starts leading his own life away from his mothers house, they might as well be pleasant about it.

In my opinion, the girlfriend sounds childish and a bit of a nutjob.

[woofgang]

Andy as a side bar, pack hierarchy and fighting for pack hierarchy in dogs is now a disproved theory.