Paying your share.

[chicklin]

Why do the men think is wrong if a woman always wants to pay her way and is really uncomfortable with the man in her life paying for anything for her? I hate being paid for. I always want to pay for my own drinks, meals, holidays etc. I am a bit better at accepting it if its a birthday pressie or Xmas pressie as long as they haven't asked me what I want because then I usually say 'nothing' or I name something which doesn't cost much.
This is a problem I've always had and some men seem to be really uncomfortable with this. Boyfriends have tried to convince me they would love to be allowed to pay for me when we're out. But I'm really uncomfortable if they pay. Why am I like this? Why can't I just accept it in the spirit it is offered? Any ideas? I've wondered about this on numerous occasions over the years and have never come up with an explanation. But I'd love to hear your views.

[LazyGun]

Dunno really.... Think it probably stems from man-as-provider syndrome, together with pride and ego, all mixed in with thought that if the woman pays they might be seen as a bit unchivalrous?

I would have no objection to the woman paying, personally... saves wear and tear on my wallet :)

[chicklin]

So why can't I just accept you paying then? (not you personally, of course!)

[LazyGun]

Can't answer to your motives chicklin :)

I have heard comments from women before who insist they pay their share so that they don't feel beholden to their date, sexually or otherwise... for others, its just to assert their own independence.Both reasons strike me as being a little strident, but hey what do I know? I'm just a man :)

[chicklin]

Much as it goes against the grain to agree with you LazyGun ( lol ), I can see there might be something in what you say, I don't like to feel obligated. But why this should still apply in a very long term relationship, I can't work out!

[keeweetee]

You can get used to it Chicklin! I did! And now I don't pay very often, especially if a guy invites me out for a date. I've asked lots of guys I've dated about how they feel about footing the bill and they don't usually take exception to it. If i invite a guy for a date I expect to pay the bill and choose the place we go to according to my budget. Don't think too much about them paying - what I do is buy them a drink along the way and then offer to pay the tip/gratutity.
Maybe you think that if they pay for the drinks/meal/theatre/whatever, that you 'owe' them? How would you feel if the boot were on the other foot and you invited a guy out you fancied (obviously!) and then he insisted on paying but you'd chosen the whole date? Would you be a bit offended?
We get entrenched in old values of society, especially when man was the 'breadwinner' but now it's all about equality, so if he's worth it, let him pay for you and then work out how you can pay him back in other ways rather than monetary on that date.
Good luck, it does get easier once you start!

[silkychicken]

Just let him pay - men love it!

[missjef]

i wish i got paid for! my boyfriend also insists we pay halves!! :-(

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, i can tell you why your like this chicklin. Your getting to like a ladette. I expect to pay for a lady if i am out with her. If a lady gets upset by it, it usually means they are selfish or feel inferior.(i know its like this if a guy gets paid for by a woman all the time). Its only natural that guys you are on dates with would want to pay for you. (I dont know about the holiday one though, i wouldnt pay for the woman on that). Maybe when you were growing up, you had to rely on guys paying for you as you maybe didnt have a lot of money.
Now that your a lot more secure in yourself and you are probably stable and have a healthy income, it annoys you that people still offer to pay 'your way' , even though you feel your self sufficient. My guess is you may feel that you owe them a favour if they pay for you.

[ummmm1]

I always pay my share.....where are all these men that love paying

[chicklin]

Thanks for all your input. I'm not a ladette but I'm very independent and just hate to feel under any obligation. On the other hand I know I make too much of it sometimes and it makes things a bit awkward when I insist on paying even for the smallest of things. But I just can't give in gracefully! Pigheaded, I am! I mean well though! I'm pleased that someone likes me enough to want to pay for me, but I'm scared in case I don't know when to stop it and they'll thing I'm scrounging... I'd love to adopt a more relaxed view of the whole silly thing. Thanks though, your answers have given me a bit more insight into this. x

[LostStar]

missjef - i sympathise! it'd be nice once in a while to be spoilt (and i mean just bought a couple of drinks and maybe a meal sometimes..! ) i guess they're either a giver or a taker - generous or stingy.... any blokes out there who thinks they are a good mix of both?!

[keeweetee]

Hi Chicklin
Sometimes I' ve accepted a date from a guy I'm not that into (if you know what I mean) so I don't see any need for me to pay to be honest, he's the one who's asked me out in the first place and if he can't afford it I'm sure he'd not have asked me.
I'll tell you when I changed my tune and decided that a guy should pay. I'd know this guy for a while, we were good friends - but I think he thought it was a bit more serious. He invited me out for dinner but never asked what sort of cuisine I preferred. He took me to a restaurant which I wasn't that keen on (but of course I never said a thing). He ordered the wine (red, which I don't drink) without even asking me, he even suggested what I should have to eat. At the end he said 'we'll call it evens and split the bill 50/50' - so that was that! I'd not been expecting to pay, (and wouldn't have accepted his invitation if I'd known) and I wouldn't have chosen the food he'd suggested or drunk the wine if I'd known I had to pay - I was actually a bit broke at the time as it was the day before payday! No more dates with him - though he did ask me out again! lol.
Other guys have been fantastic though, I'm not from the UK but love dating English guys - they're mostly very gentlemanly and respectful (but footy crazy lol).
I read somewhere that guys should expect to pay for the first 4 dates and then the woman should pay for the next one ... I think that's a good idea :-)

[chicklin]

Hmmmn...... yeah, 4 to 1 sounds like a good idea. But I'll probably still struggle with my conscience!! Maybe I'll make it my New Years Resolution - to chill out more and not make such a big thing of it?

Thanks again for your replies x