Mid life Crisis.

[maggie01]

Is there such a thing and how do you tell if someone is suffering from it? My husband is still acting out of character, can't or will not sit down and talk about anything. Gives out all mixed messages. Wants to do his own thing but doesn't want to actually live on his own. Bit like the best of both worlds but I am finding it very hard to understand what is going on in his head. And it is also doing my head in.

[WendyS]

I do believe some people do go through periods where they look critically at their lives and feel they arn't really achieving much which makes them question their existence. Many things can trigger off this introspection, such as a work colleague being promoted and realising that you're still stuck in your existing job with no prospects, ,suddenly finding your marriage has lost its excitement (which may coincide with a new glamorous individual appearing on the work scene), or suddenly starting to resent all the domestic and financial demands that a family is making on an individual. Does your husband have a new boss with whom he doesn't get on perhaps, or have you and he stopped communicating with each other recently and no longer make quality time for each other? Do you think it is possible that there's another female lurking somewhere in the background, even if this hasn't yet developed into a serious affair? I think the only way you can resolve this is to force your husband to sit down over a quiet relaxed meal and tell you what is going on his mind. If he won't, perhaps him moving out for a couple of weeks might help him find the mental space to sort through his issues in his own mind and encourage him back home to talk about them when he's ready.

[maggie01]

My husband is self employed, has been for many years. The last few years he has had to take exams for his job which he has passed and I think this is when he started to feel superior. Don't get me wrong, I think he has done very well. I don't think there is another female on the scene. (but I would probably be the last to know). He says that he likes things just as they are but this means everything his own way. Doing exactly what he wants. At the moment I feel like he is living his own life but keeping me in the background for when he can no longer do the things he does now and then needs someone to look after him in his old age. I have tried

[maggie01]

talking but this gets me nowhere. I don't know if I should just back off and see if it is a phase that will pass. He is not normally a selfish person but at the moment he doesn't seem to have a thought for anyone except himself. He seems perfectly happy on the outside so I don't know if this is the behaviour of someone going through a crisis point.

[WendyS]

Difficult one if he wont talk about it. Perhaps you have to approach the problem from a different angle and quietly start looking to widen your own life and interests without necessarily keeping him totally in the picture. . if you really feel he's just keeping you in the background to be a convenient housekeeper in his old age, maybe he needs a wake-up call. If you develop new hobbies and friendships it might help you to feel less shut-out. Do you have a job or are you at home all the time, available to provide convenient services? Perhaps if he suddenly discovers that you are also capable of doing your own thing he might realise what he's missing. The summer term Adult Education class brochures are just about to hit local libraries. Maybe you can find some interesting new activity to get involved in.

[maggie01]

I work part time but that is with children and the adults are all young people. I enjoy my job though. I do go out with friends to theatre etc and I swim once a week. My daughter is getting married shortly, so there is lots to look forward to. I hear what you are saying and you are probably right but I do find it hard. I think I maybe need a wake up call myself and if he won't discuss it then I probably have no choice but to let him get on with it. You have to be prepared to meet each othe half way otherwise it's a lost cause. Maybe if I back off, he may realise that I am actually there. Thanks for the advice Much appreciated.

[ELVIS68]

Hiya maggie, still not sorted it out then I see,

I think you may have to start looking into the fact that there might be another woman(or man,bluuuuergh) on the scene, is he always having to nip out at short notice, does he always have his mobile phone on him, ie, never leaves it laying around the house.
When he goes out for a beer, does he come home reasonably sober?

I hope this is not the case, good luck

btw...I`m no expert at this, I just read it somewhere ;o)

[maggie01]

Thanks Elvis. He doesn't drink because he can get called out any time. He has always had his mobile attached to him. Another woman in a possibility although I don't want to think so. Today has been hellish as I have been trying to get him to say how he feels about me but it was like getting blood out of a stone. One minute he wants a trial seperation and the next he wants things to stay as they are with me being the housekeeper. We have just come back from a short trip out and the phone rang on the way home. I could hear the conversation quite clearly so I do believe it was genuine and he has been called out again. The only thing that is getting to me a bit, is that he had to go to the gents while we were out and of course his mobile went too. We had agreed to go out together last night. He had a call out from some work he had done in the morning and I assumed he would be back in time to go out. He was late and forgot we were going anywhere. At my age I am a bit ashamed to say I must be nieve but we have been together a long long time and I don't intend to give up too easily.

[maggie01]

ps. He has only been gone half hour and I am watching the clock already. This can't be good healthwise as I have just been on the scales and I have lost 7lbs without even realising it.

[ELVIS68]

Blimey....7lbs in half an hour that`s going some

No seriously, if them thoughts are entering your head, maybe it`s time to do something about it, is there anyway of checking his incoming and outgoing calls, if the same number keeps appearing then do something about it.

ps...don`t know why i`m telling you this, I`m supposed to be on his side!

[maggie01]

That's what my daughter keeps telling me to do but he uses a pay as you go phone for outgoing calls to keep the phone bills down and he has a comunicator for incoming calls (bit complicated that one). It's a bit sneaky and I would hate it if I found nothing. I will keep trying to hold things together but I don't want to be made a fool of. So it had better hurry up and sort itself out one way or another. Thanks for the advice and hope you never treat your wife like it when you have been married a long time. I am sure you wont.

[ELVIS68]

I hope you get things sorted out before the wedding, you`ve been looking forward to that for ages and the last thing you need is all this

Good luck

ps.. people always dread the worse, but things never turn out as bad as we expect, the only thing you should be worrying about is not having the same hat and dress as the grooms mother

[maggie01]

Thanks Elvis. I am good friends with the grooms mum. She's lovley and we know what each other is wearing. I won't let anything spoil my daughter's day