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Is adultery forgiveable?
64 Answers
If you had been married 10 years (one child) and your partner was unfaithful a couple of times with a stranger, possibly/probably with texts in between, would you forgive them?
I know this has happened as a result of long-standing stress, alongside depression, and I love him deeply, but this comes on top of other pretty appalling behaviour this year, and part of me does think that adultery is an unambiguous breaking of marriage vows. Lying is a deal-breaker for me and having found out he's been lying Im not sure I'll really ever believe him again.
What do you think? Is it forgiveable? Can trust be regained?
I know this has happened as a result of long-standing stress, alongside depression, and I love him deeply, but this comes on top of other pretty appalling behaviour this year, and part of me does think that adultery is an unambiguous breaking of marriage vows. Lying is a deal-breaker for me and having found out he's been lying Im not sure I'll really ever believe him again.
What do you think? Is it forgiveable? Can trust be regained?
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Maypole
I am also trying to come to terms with my husbands affair,
we have been together for 12years married for 2, we have no children together but i have to girls from a previous relationship.
I started the menopause and went of sex and used to get very irratated with him about things that never bothered me befor, he thought i did not love him anymore,
What he did was wrong and i nearly left him but decided 12 years was a lot to throw away.
I still trouble have trouble with trust, not sure if i will be able
trust again. .
Apart from his affair he has been very good to me in every other way.
It was a short long distanced affair, it ended december 2005 but it still haunts me at times.
I am also trying to come to terms with my husbands affair,
we have been together for 12years married for 2, we have no children together but i have to girls from a previous relationship.
I started the menopause and went of sex and used to get very irratated with him about things that never bothered me befor, he thought i did not love him anymore,
What he did was wrong and i nearly left him but decided 12 years was a lot to throw away.
I still trouble have trouble with trust, not sure if i will be able
trust again. .
Apart from his affair he has been very good to me in every other way.
It was a short long distanced affair, it ended december 2005 but it still haunts me at times.
You are in an awful situation.
But his infidelity does not have to be about you or your marriage, although that is hard to understand. This is about him and him alone.
If he is stressed and depressed he will act 'out of character' and do rash things. Things he will despise himself for - and guilt is a killer.
He doesn't want to talk about it precisely because he can't handle the guilt.
Write to him. Make it clear that you realise you can't change what happened but it stops. If it doesn't you will leave him so it is his choice.
Tell him in the letter you love him - and give reasons - and you want the marriage to continue.
Tell him you need to help him deal with his depression and other problems and he must not shut you out.
Tell him you need his help to get over this and move into the next chapter of your marriage.
Be very firm, be open, be prepared for heartache. I don't know how your marriage will turn out, but if you can both move on from this you could have a wonderful life together.
Love is a great bond. Love him with all your heart, but love yourself more.
Good luck with it all.
But his infidelity does not have to be about you or your marriage, although that is hard to understand. This is about him and him alone.
If he is stressed and depressed he will act 'out of character' and do rash things. Things he will despise himself for - and guilt is a killer.
He doesn't want to talk about it precisely because he can't handle the guilt.
Write to him. Make it clear that you realise you can't change what happened but it stops. If it doesn't you will leave him so it is his choice.
Tell him in the letter you love him - and give reasons - and you want the marriage to continue.
Tell him you need to help him deal with his depression and other problems and he must not shut you out.
Tell him you need his help to get over this and move into the next chapter of your marriage.
Be very firm, be open, be prepared for heartache. I don't know how your marriage will turn out, but if you can both move on from this you could have a wonderful life together.
Love is a great bond. Love him with all your heart, but love yourself more.
Good luck with it all.
Oh Maypole, your heart must be in knots, and my heart goes out to you.
I had an awful 6 months with my long-term partner, he had been texting someone else, after a period of neither of us being happy, but it wasn't dealt with well. We split, and what ensued was just horrible! We are back together and working so very hard at what we have.
However, it is so hard to trust one another again. We don't have kids, just my baby dog! So no reason to stay together other than we desperately want to make a go of us again.
It sounds like you're being very accommodating, and trying your best to find way of figuring it out. It also sounds like, from your subsequent posts, he isn't i nvesting as much as you are.
You need to tell him directly the way you feel, as he seems not to be accepting the seriousness of his behaviour, or the potential consequences. He stands to lose a wonderful wife and his only child. Think about a time limit, and what you both need to achieve in order for your marrige to work.
Don't make excuses for him, it's difficult when you love someone but don't let him sh*t on you, you sound like you're making such an effort, so he'd damn well better recognise that and reassess his situation sharpish!
Be strong
x
I had an awful 6 months with my long-term partner, he had been texting someone else, after a period of neither of us being happy, but it wasn't dealt with well. We split, and what ensued was just horrible! We are back together and working so very hard at what we have.
However, it is so hard to trust one another again. We don't have kids, just my baby dog! So no reason to stay together other than we desperately want to make a go of us again.
It sounds like you're being very accommodating, and trying your best to find way of figuring it out. It also sounds like, from your subsequent posts, he isn't i nvesting as much as you are.
You need to tell him directly the way you feel, as he seems not to be accepting the seriousness of his behaviour, or the potential consequences. He stands to lose a wonderful wife and his only child. Think about a time limit, and what you both need to achieve in order for your marrige to work.
Don't make excuses for him, it's difficult when you love someone but don't let him sh*t on you, you sound like you're making such an effort, so he'd damn well better recognise that and reassess his situation sharpish!
Be strong
x
Maypole, I wish you all the best. I know you will strong enough to get through this. If you have been strong enough to deal with the hurt he has caused you then you are more than strong enough to walk away and start a fresh.
Get yourself a good circle of friends and look after your girl. Set an example for her and show her you will not be made a fool of. Believe it or not but if she is ever in the same situation she will remember what you have done and it will give her the courage and strength to walk out the door when the time is right.
Don't forget.... just because you have left... it doesn't mean you are on your own. You are no more on your own than you were when you were with him. But now you have more freedom.
I know you will be fine and you know where we all are when you feel down.
Rrx
Get yourself a good circle of friends and look after your girl. Set an example for her and show her you will not be made a fool of. Believe it or not but if she is ever in the same situation she will remember what you have done and it will give her the courage and strength to walk out the door when the time is right.
Don't forget.... just because you have left... it doesn't mean you are on your own. You are no more on your own than you were when you were with him. But now you have more freedom.
I know you will be fine and you know where we all are when you feel down.
Rrx
Well as you know Ive told him we're off and we are on Friday, much as it pains me. Whilst having taken this in he is pretending its not happening, its quite bizarre really.
This is why i know Ethel is right in that its a lot more about him than me, but of course it doesnt hurt any less.
Some time apart will do us good, although Im not sure it will lead to reconciliation - I fear he will turn to someone else and then all I will feel is replaceable. But some practice at acting for myself and not spinning of him will be fab.
At 37 I feel too old for this, I thought I was more emotionally mature than a teenager, and am frustrated with myself at not having let go before. But i am now and thats whats to focus on. Thanks all xxx
This is why i know Ethel is right in that its a lot more about him than me, but of course it doesnt hurt any less.
Some time apart will do us good, although Im not sure it will lead to reconciliation - I fear he will turn to someone else and then all I will feel is replaceable. But some practice at acting for myself and not spinning of him will be fab.
At 37 I feel too old for this, I thought I was more emotionally mature than a teenager, and am frustrated with myself at not having let go before. But i am now and thats whats to focus on. Thanks all xxx
im sorry to say i have not looked at the other replies to your question, but have looked at your original question,the main issue is he is not showing you any respect and lying, what an awful situation you are in, as complex as it seems at the moment i believe this relationship is unhealthy for you and your child, you may think its easy for me to say, but my advice is start planning a future for you both without your husband, seek assistance from friend and family. good luck
Two answers for you maypole. This time the wife is here and she has taken an interest in this forum as this is not a techy subject so you will get his and hers on this one I am afraid so here it is and ladies first:
Hers
Cheating under no circumstances is acceptable. You should leave him. Having had the thought of forgiving him and him not taking note of it says that you are a nice person and that he is the ********. No matter how old you are or where you are in your life starting over as difficult as it sounds is the best thing. Sue him for all he has got and get the house and your daughter and take anice long vacation with her to Miami beach or somewhere in Virgin Islands.
His
HE has got it easy and it is all down to you treating him with love, logic and sympathy... so much so that the whole thing sounds pathetic. No man really wants to be with a woman like that (weak). It sounds that you are both miserable about the whole thing for different reasons.
If you want him to come to his senses drastic action is required. Get your divorce papers and present them to him for signature (over a dinner or saturday night tv or something). Also prepare an agreement as to arrangements for your daughter and possesions and get him to sign those while is at it (make sure they are on your terms). Be strong and he will come to respect you again and with it you then call the shots (who knows you might like being husbandless... as there is plenty of eager younger men who would want to keep you entertained and warm at night).
BE serious and BE strong and dont take no sh*t.
Happy and his Happy Happette
Hers
Cheating under no circumstances is acceptable. You should leave him. Having had the thought of forgiving him and him not taking note of it says that you are a nice person and that he is the ********. No matter how old you are or where you are in your life starting over as difficult as it sounds is the best thing. Sue him for all he has got and get the house and your daughter and take anice long vacation with her to Miami beach or somewhere in Virgin Islands.
His
HE has got it easy and it is all down to you treating him with love, logic and sympathy... so much so that the whole thing sounds pathetic. No man really wants to be with a woman like that (weak). It sounds that you are both miserable about the whole thing for different reasons.
If you want him to come to his senses drastic action is required. Get your divorce papers and present them to him for signature (over a dinner or saturday night tv or something). Also prepare an agreement as to arrangements for your daughter and possesions and get him to sign those while is at it (make sure they are on your terms). Be strong and he will come to respect you again and with it you then call the shots (who knows you might like being husbandless... as there is plenty of eager younger men who would want to keep you entertained and warm at night).
BE serious and BE strong and dont take no sh*t.
Happy and his Happy Happette
Also..... My auntie is 54 and has started over many times before and she admits to being happier just dating and having loads of time for her friends but she always gets so much interest from younger guys and is always dating guys who are late 30's to early 40's. She was with a guy 13yrs younger than her for 9yrs!
Well, well well,at a guess i would say thay most of your answers came from women. What is this thing called "love"? Would someone define it for me. Of course a man can be happily married and commit adultery, just as a woman could commit adultery in the same situation. Married couples can get "used" to each other, friends even and do not want to change,and sex "maybe "boring. Everone makes mistakes....even women!!!! No guarantees, but give him a chance.
I completely agree that there is no excuse for cheating but 10 years is a long time to give up on. If you love him then maybe it is worth giving it a go but if the marriage is unhappy and there are other problems too, maybe you should think again.
Personally I'd probably tell him to tell the truth or it's over because you can't move on as long as he's lying.
Good luck with everything. xx
Personally I'd probably tell him to tell the truth or it's over because you can't move on as long as he's lying.
Good luck with everything. xx
Thanks. We are packing up stuff today, emptying loft etc. Lots of memories and lots of tears - each of us keeps running of into a different room to have a bit of a sob. Still no discussion, comment or feedback on the fact that I have said Goodbye to him, its like he is behind a pane of glass and cant hear me or interact with me.
Its hard to not comfort him when I know he is miserable but then he should have thought of that when he started staying in upmarket hotels when he was supposed to be at his mates.
Its hard to not comfort him when I know he is miserable but then he should have thought of that when he started staying in upmarket hotels when he was supposed to be at his mates.
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