Age Differences - Do They Really Matter In The End?

[CactusButtus]

Okay, love is blind, and to top that off, with me, it can't count either. I have been with my partner for just over a year now. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death, so that's not what I'm here to talk about. My partner and I have a 'little' bit of an age difference... okay, a HUGE age difference.
I'm the kind of person that looks at people for who they are, rather than judging them by their age, physical state etc. I am attracted to my partner physically, mentally and emotionally. Ever since him and I got together, my family has had a hard time accepting it... in fact, they have expressed loud and clear that they never will accept it. That's fair enough and I accept that. By now, you're probably really wanting to know how big the age gap is. Well, my partner and I have a nice big age gap of 35 years. Yes, that's right... when you work it all out in your head, it doesn't look very good.
I'm a little sick of all the criticism I get because of the age difference, and there's nothing I can do about the gap. I do understand the way society thinks and reacts but what ever happened to 'as long as you love him/her, that's all that matters'?

Jaymee-Lee

[CactusButtus]

I was 16 and a bit when we met.

[jno]

hey, whoa, 17 is young but it's not remotely paedophile territory, so let's not be having the P word. CactusButtus, parents seldom discuss their children's virginity with them, so nothing unusual in that. What your parents see is you going with someone their own age or even older. But you sound perfectly level-headed and ready to make your own choices. Yes, the relationship may not last - but then millions of relationships fail, most of them between people of similar ages, so you wouldn't be unusual if that happened either. Go for it, enjoy the pleasure of his company.

[CactusButtus]

Thank you Jno. Your kind words are appreciated more than you could ever imagine. :-)

[nannon]

i just have trouble seeing what you would have in common....like isaid i was always with older men when i was 16 and thought it was fine and cool but looking back now i can see certain men for what they really are - they should have been arrested. if my dad had known he would grounded me for life and broken said people legs!!!!!

[Goodsoulette]

Jno, as alway the voice of reason ( I sincerely mean that) but cactus, do you not feel the appeal of a relationship, which it sounds like you are planning on being in for the long haul, is the thought of growing old together? In 8 years time you could be looking after him. I mentioned my nan in a previous respons, she was much older than you when she got involved with a man 35 years older and when he got ill, she was very friendly with the gardener, a local publican, her mechanic and numerous builders.

[Goodsoulette]

God I totally agree Nannon. When I was 16, I had a 24 year old boyfriend at 18 a 32 year old boyfriend and at 17 a 27 year old boyfriend and I wonder for the life of me what they saw in me. Im 28 now and the eldest guy I have dated in the last year has been 30 and I struggled with dating a 23 year old, because of the age difference.

[nannon]

it is strange how you see something as normal now but try to think about the future and how it will seem then? maybe i'm a hypocite as i am in anage gap r'ship now - although i am very happy i am not 100% this is going to last due to the age gap - if he was my age i would not have ANY doubts at all. I am going to change so much in the next 5, 10, 15 years - i have things i want to do that will potentially change me, i want kids but not right now - he want kids but i guess cant wait too much longer to have them... But at least i can see that now - i couldnt when i was younger.

[CactusButtus]

I think my taste in men has a lot to do with my early childhood. I have enough brains to know what I am doing NOW. Between the ages of 5 and 10 I was sexually abused by 7 different people - 6 male, 1 female. At the age of 11, my step father sexually abused me - I told my mother, she didn't believe me. I've been manipulate several times and I know the signs. I've learnt lessons that no one has a right to teach.

[Reverandfunk]

So JNO of your daughter came home at 16 and said her is my 51 year old boyfriend dad, you would have no problem with it?

Yeah right.

[CactusButtus]

My partner doesn't have children. He wishes he did, but he doesn't.

[nannon]

and that is awful - but like you said you maybe attracted to him beacuse of this - maybe you are looking for someone who can look after you? A father figure that you obviously never had? no one can tell you what to do but i'm just saying think about the future?
And dont forget that not all men will hurt you or abuse you - some your own age or a little bit older will treat you nicely and look after you too.
Take care

[CactusButtus]

Reverandfunk - If I was my mother, I wouldn't be okay with it. It's just hard to throw away what you feel when you are the 17 year old girl. If it was that simple, I would have done it to keep everyone happy. I just love him too much.

[CactusButtus]

I have a good father. I thought long and hard about WHY I am the way I am... I just learnt to accept it, because if I don't, who will? I do think about the future and it tells me to walk away... I just can't.

[Mammar]

Sweetheart, it's your life.
However, I'm sure you can appreciate why most of us feel the way we do.
I have to admit that I would have a problem with imagining what sort of 52 year old man would even think of striking up a sexual relationship with a 17 year old. It just feels unsettling to me.
Whatever, just don't let the relationship stop you from getting what you want out of life.

[nannon]

I thinks its OK if you realise that it probably won;t work for many reasons. If you re happy then i guess fair enough but the longer you are involved the harder it will be to leave him - and you will one day have to leave him i think.

(Oh and apologies for the father figure comment - re read your reply and realised it said 'step father')

[nannon]

At least you realise that it probably won't work for many reasons. If you are happy then i guess...fair enough but the longer you are involved the harder it will be to leave him - and you will one day have to leave him i think. From writing you question to you recent replies it seem you arent as sure abou the age gap either.
Its never nice to be hurt, or to be wrong, or to admit maybe your family were right but sometimes you have to do these things and move on!

(Oh and apologies for the father figure comment - re read your reply and realised it said 'step father')

[gina32]

i was married to a man who was 16 years older than me and he was the best man i had ever been with, age wasnt the reason we split, he was kind caring considerate and was a very fit man, i would go for an older man every time

[jno]

all relationships have risks, and this one probably has more than most. But the thing to do is confront them, not run away. Nannon's attempt at psychology seems pretty astute to me - and yet it doesn't matter. What matters is how the two of you work together. Some might find it shameful if they think you're looking for a father figure and he's looking for a daughter figure; but that sounds like a good match to me. Obviously, your parents had imagined you finding a good-looking equity fund manager with a yacht (mine were thinking along similar lines); but western tradition is that you choose your own mate and do your best to make it work. You're obviously going into this with your eyes wide open, and that's the best thing you can do. I'd never advise someone not to do something just because it was risky. Assess the risks, then decide; and you've done that.

[Silversky]

I don't see the age gap as a problem... Even though in your case its a little extensive...
But the thing is that if he is 52 and you are 17, in 20 years time, you'll be wanting marriage and kids. How on earth is he gonna feel. Surely he wouldn't want kids at 72?
And God forbid that he dies not long after, a single mum, with young kids.

Even though you love him I think you have to discuss certain things, in order to make sure that your future is secure. As I don't think that a permanent relationship with such an age gap could be a future problem.

[xhxmxsx]

there's 12 years and 9 months between me and my fiance and people think that is too much