depressed :o(....again, lol

[jen85]

i just want to apologise in advance for posting quite a bit lately, all of which have been questions related in some way to my bf. i just dont know who to talk too and i always find it useful on here if im feeling down and want to talk about things. plus i find the advice i get really useful. as some of u know my bf has a 1 year old son from a previous relationship. him and his ex split just after the child was born in feb 06 and iv been with him since april 06. originally i didnt have a problem with him having a child but its getting me more and more down knowing that im not the main person in his life. selfish i release but i love him to bits and sometimes feel like whilst im feeling so attached to him and so in love, he will never love me as much as i love him because of what has happened in his passed and his responsibilities to his son. he never used to get on wit his ex but recently they r chatting more and being more friendly. he tells me he has no feelins for her anymore but i cant help but feel otherwise. she emails him, he replies. she texts, he replies, he still has an old valentines card from her in his cupboard. i go on the comp, theres something on his profile from her, im in his room, theres something in there relating to her. im sitting watching tv with him, she texts! its all getting to much and its getting me down so much. i tried talking to my bf about it today but he says im being silly and ignores everything i say. i should b feeling so happy because im loved up and with the one i want but i dont! anyone else been in the same situation before?

[johnlambert]

Hi Jen
i get on better now with my ex wife than I did when we were together, that doesn't mean that I have any feelings for her, or her for me, when she texts me, I answer same when she phones the house (she doesn't use the internet) it's just good manners.

[johnlambert]

Saying that tho, I dont have any cards/letters/photos of her, I destroyed those when I got together with my present wife

[amonty1144]

My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage, one did live with us and is now independent, the other lives with his mum. When we first got together I found it really hard to deal with, we lived some distance away and he had to stay overnight to visit. It was n't helped by the fact that he lied about where he had stayed and was staying at his ex's house. Anyway, we fell out a lot, even more so when I was pregnant, I felt out baby wasn't special to him as he had kids before. A lot of it was just insecurity and I suspect your's is too. It isn't like a relationship ending and being able to walk away, there is always a link.
I would explain to your bf about how you feel and maybe ask that he calls or texts at certain times and photos of his ex are a no no. My hubbie also thought I was being daft.
If your relationship is strong you'll work through it.
He needs to draw a line with her too, about what is and isn't appropriate, the card should go but he needs to do it.
Hope this helps.

[lemonsorbet]

not been in the same situation, but you have to see the contact between your b/f and his ex a good thing for the sake of the child. Imagine what it would be like if they hated each other, or even worse you b/f was denied access to his son?!?! He'd be gutted!

I think you have to be proud of your b/f for wanting to be an active father, as so many dads walk away in situations like this.

Please try and remember jealousy is a BIG turn off, and if your b/f feels that you're trying to make him choose between you and his son, he won't be pleased, so maybe just trust your boyfriend on this one, and be a loving supporting g/f!

[jen85]

thank you for your replies! i have taken on board what everyone has said. i know its a huge turn off for him, me being so worried and whinging about it but its so difficult. i think anyone would feel similar to what i do in this situation. i just cant help myself. im one of them people...if im upset or frustrated about something ill let it be known and i want to talk it through. i think even a little reasurance would do the trick but he didnt really take upon it when i mentioned it. ill try not to be insecure from now on and i dont want to annoy him by making a fuss. i just wish he would understand how i feel about it. i understand that they must get on for the sake of the child and im fine with that. she used to be very awkward and didnt allow hardly any access but shes got better. i know how upset he was about this and the last thing i want is for him 2 b upset. its just hard when shes everywhere i turn. whenever i c my bf something comes up to do with her. anyways thanks for your support. ill try to stop the ranting...it just makes me feel so much better x

[Slooow_Jo]

aww I have to say when I started reading this & you said your getting down my first thought was 'selfish bitch, its his son' but reading on further I realise it isn't the kid who is the problem...I'm a single mum of two boys who I've raised by myself with hardly any contact from daay, my youngest dad however did shouldn't start getting in contact & asking to see his son...turns out the person he was seeing at the time couldn't have children of her own & was hoping to grasp a wee bit of 'family life' with her new man...But thats a bit off track lol my point is I did not just 'hand' my son over I did make it kinda awkward for them at first, to prove their commitment probably...so I appluad the fact that your bloke & his ex are putting themselves below their sons best interest & sorting their ****.


But on the other hand......there is no need for constant contact :( why so many texts??? does she tell him every time the kid uses the bathroom?? :-//

I have photos of ex's & my bloke has photos of his I dont see the problem with it myself, I did get ****** off once tho when an ex showed me a pic of him snogging another bird lol see we all get the green eyed monster take over :-P

[Slooow_Jo]

I've just read that back...I hope ya can make sense of it lol coz even I'm struggling haha

[chacha2chins]

He was split up for only 2 months when you got together? He probably didn't finish letting go before starting anew. I've been in your shoes. I don't know for certain that anything bad is going on between them, but I understand your insecurity perfectly well. If they truly aren't plotting to get back together then what you're faced with is his lack of respect for you. He should not have the old love cards from another woman if it upsets you. You could ask him to speak to his ex about limiting the messages/calls to a certain time or in times of emergency. If they truly respect you and your feelings and each other; they should have no problem agreeing to some conditions to keep peace.

[Slooow_Jo]

I still cant understand the problem of old pics/cards etc...am I missing something>?? surely they arer just tokens of childhood years??

[chacha2chins]

no, slowjo..they are not tokens of childhood years...they are leftovers from a previous relationship. Things most of us get rid of when we find a new partner.

[sassenach]

I really empathise with how you feel. My partner has a son from a previous relationship and his ex put him through hell for years before he was able to see his son regularly, so there are definitely no feelings left between them and it was all years ago now. Despite this my blood boils when they are friendly to each other. Also I am very jealous of the simple fact that she is the mother of his child and I am not. I actually get on well with the son so he's not the problem. I know it's just my insecurity, making me feel this way but that doesn't make it any less real to me.

[landscaper2]

Ooerr I'm in the wrong bit really (usually the gardening section!) but bein at a loose end tonite, I read this and began feeling sorry for you!! I've not been in your situation and am probably a lot older and come from a different age.......however 'the green eyed monster' doesn't diminish, so I fully understand your feelings!! Many people come with 'baggage' now, how you deal with this must surely be down to compromise. When my wife and I became serious, all old photos etc were binned and contacts with ex's banned!! They were in the past, gone and we moved on! However, in your case this drastic step is not on, so a compromise it must be. Tell your bf you do not like photo's of his ex around, why not turn off the computer in the evening, also get your bf to turn his phone OFF (horrors!)....have your evenings to yourselves!! However, his little lad will now be at an age when he can communicate and this is so great for a parent, so don't feel jealous of this love. More seriously tho, it could be that bf and ex are now realising what a brilliant thing parenthood is and just maybe.....etc, etc....if so, don't fight it, please move on, you sound a great person!