How do you learn to trust a partner?

[wisewomen]

Ive been cheated on in every serious relationship I have been in (grnated only 4) im 31. Ive met this wonderful man but im scared to let it get too serious. How can I learn to let go?

[4getmenot]

You just have to go for it and realise not all men are the same. It is not fair to treat him as if he would. as you say he is wonderful, just go slow and dont open up to much but dont be too non trusting either

[jamesisgod]

Don't trust anyone....

[wisewomen]

Are you also talking fro experience?

[jamesisgod]

Yes, its quite heart wrenching so I dont really want to go into it... I cant bring myself to trust anyone anymore. Some people are strong and forgiving though, I'm not. I'm happy though, happy alone!

[4getmenot]

i am I've been hurt but yoi cant not trust anyone, you'll never settle then. It would be 'where you going what you doing, what time you back, what you have for lunch' blah blah blah

[Gromit]

I had a friend who was married a a loathesome git and we were all very pleased when he left her. She then went out and found his clone, another loathesome git.

I can assure you that not all men are unfaithful. However, going off your track record, is there a possiblity you are attracted to a certain type of untrustworthy man.

[fizzyBee]

Hi. I've been through the same and it is really hard to trust again. Deep down I trust my fiance and know he loves me and will do his best by me because he has had to do a lot to prove it but I still see threats in other women all the time or worry if our sex life gets less frequent that he will look for it elsewhere. It doesn't help that I know he's cheated in almost all of his past relationships. All but 1, which is the last time he was engaged. You have to give your guy a chance though because there are guys out there who are decent and if you spend every day worrying about it you'll never be happy.

[Champagne]

I know it's really difficult, but you can't tarnish your new guy with the same brush. You have to start afresh and just be as open as possible. And that means being open to another potential fall, i'm afraid.

Hopefully it won't happen to you again as it's bluddy disheartening when it does. I've been on the receiving end of that too.

Like the saying goes; better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

If you hold back, you're not allowing yourself to truly love.

[wisewomen]

I think that is exactly it, its the feeling threatened by other women. I do believe that I trust this guy, hes told me he's never cheater and I believe him. Its whether, when its handed on a plate he can walk away.

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, from a guys point of view if you treat him right he wont go elsewhere. Like a few have said here though, try not to take out on him what others have done.
All men arent the same, even though you seem to have had a few bad experiences.
It will take you ages to trust again. You should chat to him properly and explain a few things to him. That way he will know that he just needs that little bit of extra patience with you.
If this guy cheats on you, then it must be something your doing in your relationships...

[Petal~flower]

MrBen, I really think you should refraim from giving advice out on R&D. What is it with you and treating men right. What exactly do you mean by that? By pampering to his every whim? Never arguing with him? Always making him feel special so he doesnt feel the need to go elsewhere?

And then you turn it round and tell wisewoman that if a man cheats, its something she is doing wrong! How about maybe she is dating the wrong men. Not intentionally.

Do you live in a cave btw?

[chacha2chins]

I agree with Mr.Ben on most of his answer, but not the last line.
The key is communication.
If cheating is a deal breaker for you then you should tell him that, after, of course, promising you would never do that to him.
My husband and I have both been cheated on in previous relationships. We've discussed our ground rules about adultery.
We both know where the line is drawn in the sand and we've both promised never to cross it.
In the unlikely event either of us wanted to stray, we promised to break it off first out of mutual respect.

It works for us. We've both been hit on. We talk to each other about it and reassure each other that our love is safe.

As for Mr. Ben's last line that if you get cheated on it must be something you're doing...he wasn't clear what he meant by that. I can't agree unless I know exactly what he means.

If you want to make it last you need to let him know exactly what your fears and expectations are. Remember that he can't read your mind and you can't read his. Talk, talk, talk.