Is it too much to ask to expect some romance....?

[parkers]

I have been with the boyf for nearly 3 yrs now and have never been happier....
We have our own house and have a comfortable living...
My problem is this -
My boyf has never, ever, surprised me with anything.... Every restaurant that we have been to I have booked, every holiday that we have been on I have booked, every weekend away, I have booked, even when we have been out for my bday or valentine's day he says "you book it babe and I'll pay" ! I've had flowers a few times, which I really love and he knows it...
Is this something that I am going to have to just deal with?
It's my 30th in a few weeks and I know that he will not have arranged anything... He has already said "If you want to go away for your birthday just book it"...!!!
It's his bday 2 weeks after mine and I have already booked a weekend away - flights, beautiful hotel, champagne in the room the lot....
I would be over the moon to just come home from work one night and there be a bath run for me, or a glass of wine waiting, or a meal cooked for me - anything...!!
I have tried mentioning this and he just dismisses it everytime....
I feel that I am completely taken for granted...
He will only tell me that he loves me or that I look nice when he has had a drink... So that hurts as well...

x

[4getmenot]

Now give Zac some stars you meany :-) this is an answer site they don�t all have to have same opinion. :-)

[Pippa68]

I did say that I see where Zac is coming from on this one, and I still stand by that!

[parkers]

I think this has all got a little out of hand now....
I believe there is a huge difference between 'changing' someone and wanting to feel appreciated...
I do not want to change him, I want him to be able to tell me how he feels about me when he hasn't had a drink..

In the early days he made alot of effort, I think that now he feels he has got his woman and doesn't need to make the effort anymore...? So in a way he has changed from how he was when I met him.....!!

I think that you have to both have to try all the time when you are in a relationship and it shouldn't be left to one person to do the running around, arranging and caring etc...

If I had 'the answer' I wouldn't be on here.... I

[4getmenot]

oh yer there is to a point of controlling and making them do it, so sit down and talk I tried and wasnt ever appreiciated like I wanted to be so I finished it :-) You've just got to realise other people have different opinions on here and if you ask a question that is what you'll get he wasnt trying to be nasty at all to get that snotty 'goodbye' chill. :-)

[4getmenot]

now wheres them stars :-)

[4getmenot]

Thanks xxxx

[parkers]

Zacsmaster - that has just made me laugh out loud ! Driving gloves? Different, but at least he thought of her.... unless she doesn't drive ?
A work colleague bought his wife a hoover and some walkie talkies so he could contact around the house....!! Shocking...
Yes, I think things have become extremely familiar, but far too soon for my liking....
Maybe if we had been together for many many years, although even then I don't like the idea of it...
I look at my parents and my friends parents and people I know and it seems that with too many of them the woman just nags and nags and does literally everything and the bloke just moans that the woman nags... I would hate to end up like that...

All I want is a little appreciation once in a while...
He has told me (get this) that he thinks nice things about it......!!!!!

[~Wingnut~]

My husband was a bit like this after a couple of years together but he worked long hours (he was a farm worker) and I did/had to sort everything whilst going back to college also. I used to be the one who organised a babysitter as a surprise so we could go out, I did the shopping, sorted out the bills etc. It was more his job and the hours he worked that made him this way so it wasn't really his fault (he wasn't a farm worker when we met) but I just felt totally unappreciated sometimes (I hasten to add he is the total opposite now and I feel very appreciated but he has a 8-5 job now which I think has made a difference). Could this be why your boyf is this way? Does he work long hours and not really have the time to try to organise something. Maybe after working hard the thought of trying to organise something worries him incase he gets it wrong so thinks it's best if you do it?
I don't know if this (his job) has any relevance to you two but maybe it is something to take into consideration if this is the case :o)

[4getmenot]

see zacmasters not all that bad :-)

[kyra16]

parkers
i was in the same boat i was the one to arrange everything; no matter how many times i dropped hints; he didn't pick up on them or just didn't care
finally i just adopted his attitude and did nothing
that got his attention lol
he was dumbfounded and confronted me
that was the only way to reach him
he got that "hint" and from then on made an effort

[parkers]

Wingnut - you have just made me laugh, in a nice way.... I work 8-6ish and am out of the house from 7.40ish till about 6.30ish... the boyf is a self employed plumber and works roughly 9.30-4pm (at the latest) Mon -Fri and often pop's home throughout the day for coffee and to play his Xbox 360...
I think that I'd understand if he did lots of hours but he doesn't and never has....... x

[~gagica~]

parkers; my lst boyf was the same way...i got so annoyed because like u i arranged everything! he never bothered & regardless of dropping hints like a maniac; he didn't respond. i finally just stopped and adopted his attitude. didn't bother w anything anymore: that got his attention. lol he was dumbfounded when our anniv. came up and he got dressed that nite ...and lo and behold..nothing was planned. lol
let me tell you that worked! we had a "heart to heart" and he def. made an effort after that.

[~Wingnut~]

lol parkers... that throws that theory out of the window!!! lol

Well in that case kick him up the backside and tell him to start organising some romantic nights out as you have now retired from that position!!! ;o)

Failing that I'm not sure what else you can do sorry, but I hope things work out for you and he gets more romantic, even if it's just a tiny bit to begin with! :o)

[parkers]

Yep, nearly 3 years...Zacsmaster, but we did settle down very quickly as we got on so well....
I think that alot of how he is has to do with his previous relationship.. This is who he had his daughter with...
They had an awful relationship and for the sake of not wanting to leave and lose his daughter he just learnt to 'turn off' - they spent 7 years living separate lives even though they lived in the same house, he slept downstairs she slept upstairs.. There was never any love in the relationship, just hatred... So I do think that he has to learn how to be in a realtionship again - he has said that I am different to all the other women that he has had realtionships with as "I'm not mental" (his words not mine) and that he has never had any feelings to show to anyone.... But again when he has had a drink he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me forever, never felt like this etc etc... ???!!!!

[garry745]

Think you've just about hit the nail on the head there parkers with your last post, and you've actually answered your question yourself.

Past experiences affect people in different ways. Sounds like he's had his fair share, and just because he's a man, it doesn't mean that he's immune to getting hurt. Living in such a situation as he did, does mean you will adapt to your environment to the extent where it becomes second nature. That's basically what you're facing now.

The fact that when he's had a drink and lets his guard down tells me that there is the feelings in there for you, that are normally kept in check. That alone means that it's worth persevering with him and trying to get the expressiveness you want from him. Isn't going to happen in short term, and still may never happen, but think you should keep trying.

From your side though, when he does do something, no matter how rare or small, do you ever convey to him how wonderful it is and how it makes you feel? Why not also try and educate him slowly. Do the bit where you're making suggestions, but in a way where he thinks it's his idea. Combined with you letting him know how doing things makes you feel, he may slowly get the idea that it's actually good to be romantic every now and again.

[Pippa68]

garry is absolutely right ~ and if we had known about your b/f's previous then it would have shed a whole new light on things!

Funnily enough Mr Pippa was also in a loveless marriage. He tried romance, but hit brick walls for years. His marriage continued for the sake of his young daughter until his ex finally walked out when his daughter was 2 years old.

It takes time to trust...barriers have been built and this is your b/f's way of coping in case you turn off your love for him. Only when he has had a drink can the barriers come down. To be honest I would consider your relationship to still be quite 'new'. 3 years isn't a great deal of time and he needs to learn to realise that you aren't going to kick him out of bed! have that chat with him..let him know you aren't going anywhere, but you need to have that affirmation that he loves you with all his heart.