Relationship Insecurities

[lsharp10uk]

I have a problem which has stemed from previous relationships. Every bloke I have been with has either cheated or dumped me for another women.

Now I always associate this with relationships.

I have been with my bloke for 2 years and he is fantastic. He understands me and reassures me whenever he can but my body still fills with fear everytime one of his mates calls. I am so scared that he will meet someone else while he is out with them and leave me.

Even now when I am writing this I know that it sounds stupid.

How can I teach myself to stop feeling this way?

[WendyS]

I suspect this sense of insecurity may stem from your own low sense of personal self-esteem and the triggers for this could stretch back to your childhood. Were you bullied at school or feel you were not valued by your parents or teachers? The only way you will cure yourself of this is to improve the way you feel about yourself and build up your own self- confidence. Take on a few projects which stretch you a little and force you engage more openly and confidently with others,. Perhaps learn one or two new skills which will help you to value yourself more in your own eyes. . Yes, your boyfriend may ditch you at some point. We all get dumped at some point in our lives but it isn't the end of the world, and the more your boyfriend feels he has to protect you and ward off your feelings of insecurity, the more in the long term it may start to grate on his nerves. The best way we can protect ourselves against the unpleasant things that life throws at us is to increase our skills and self-confidence in the way we will deal with them. If there are any Self assertiveness or Confidence Building Adult Learning classes in your area, sign up for them, and borrow some books on the topic from your local library.

[lsharp10uk]

I dont think that I have low self-esteem. I am a very confident person outside of my relationship, I have good friends, good looks (everyone tells me), a good attitude towards like, good parents and a good education and know that if I were to end up on my own I would cope.

[4getmenot]

but surely you have wondered why have these blokes done this and gone of with others making you feel insecure. You need to realise he's with you for a reason, if you keep being like this you will only push him away

[dolly pond]

so, if u r soo good looking, soooo secure, goood friends etc, why the problem?!!1 are u bored at home today?

hope this is for real!!!!!

i`m fat, ugly, no mates, no job and no partner, i`m homeless and a stink but life goes on

[lsharp10uk]

I wont push him away. I never stop him from doing anything and dont make him feel bad about going out. I only punish myself with these feelings.

My past boyfriends have left me and yes I do wonder why but 3 out of 4 of them have all come running back after they have been unfaithful saying they have made a mistake and it was a moment of weakness (the other went back to his long term ex).

[lsharp10uk]

It is for real. I just become overcome with insecure feelings when my bloke is out with his mates. I cant explain it and hoped someone on AB would maybe have gone through a similar think and be able to advise me how to get away from feeling like this.

[dolly pond]

i am getting an over whelming urge to respond like spotty chops here, so i better log of this thread b4 i get banned

AGH

[HJT40]

I have gone through this, I am single and would probably by like this again if I were in a relationship. Then as a matter of course I press the self destruct button to destroy the relationship. Self fulfilling prophecy I think they call it.

The first hurdle is realising that you are like it. You do need to be confident and stop being scared that you may lose him. Take each day as it comes, don't worry about him going out with his mates tomorrow as you will react until he goes out, Would he be with you now if he didn't want to be? Next time you feel bad think it to yourself and plan what nice things you will do next time you see him.

[lsharp10uk]

Thank you HJT40, I think that is the kind of response I was looking for. Planning ahead after the event is a good way of looking at it and I will try that. Try to focus on that rather than the fact that he is going out.

[4getmenot]

You need to sit down and tell him and let him reassure you, if this has already been done maybe you need some counselling. And you cant come on here saying that is the kind of response you were looking for, if you know what you were looking for why ask for advice? I hope you can sort yourself soon

[HJT40]

Perhaps you cold also get yourself an interest, salsa classes, cinema, and do this with a friend, then you are also out having fun and enjoying yourself. I feel it may be because you are sat indoors worrying rather than being out living your life too. Then you have something to talk to him about when you have your next meeting that you have planned.

[4getmenot]

ah come on give wendy some stars, she didnt know what you wanted her to out

[lightoftruth]

christ sake is there no-one here that even has the slightest understanding of the human mind!!!!

everytime something happens to us we remember it and the effect it had on us....it the reason why we dont touch hot things.....because we assosciate hot things with burning and pain.

In your case your previous relationships have resulted in being left....so you assosciate relationships with being left..however as youve had more relatinships youve come to relaise that you have been affected by these unfortuante events on so now associate relatinhips with both betrayal and insecurity.

as for advice i can give you i have leant one universal truth in my time and this is that EVERYTHING is down to choice..you can either let the insecurities get the better of you or you can choose to realise that every man is different and as such the effects of your previous relationships will only affect you if you let them

hope this has helped...feel free to ask for more advice or clarification :-)