I don't know what to do

[Lakitu]

I have been offered a work transfer to Australia, the problem is if I go, I will lose the only man I have ever truly loved.

I have been in love with this guy for a few years but circumstances dictated that we have never got together. We had a row just before Easter and in a fit of anger at him, I applied for the transfer. I was interviewed last week and offered the job on Friday afternoon and I have until Tuesday afternoon to let them know my decision.

I spoke to him about it yesterday and he said he wouldn't stop me from going and it's not fair of him to ask me to wait for him until his circumstances have calmed down, but then that makes me wonder if he won't tell me how he feels is it because he doesn't feel anything? Or if he does, it's not strongly enough?

I can't stay for someone who doesn't want me at the end of the day. I'm scared to go over there on my own. I'm a better, stronger person with him. I don't know what to do.

[123everton]

I think I've got a bit of an angle on this bloke (he's had a bit of a kicking here, myself included) he sounds like a reasonable and rational fellow, that's his trouble.
He's nice.
He wants you to stay, but he won't ask you to say because he can't make idle promises nor will he wish to be held responsible for the consequences (nice with a tad of weakness) he thought he was going to be with the ex until kingdom come aware of that failure he's aware that God tends to surprise people who make plans.
The heart wants what it wants, you have to make the decision and then move on from it.
If you stay, don't hold it against him nor expect favours in the future because of your sacrifice.
If you go, don't look back and don't hark back.

[Marijn]

123everton. What you've said is YOUR experience. You can't possibly KNOW that about him, from the little information that's been given.
But that would be good, if he really was a good one.

[tigerlily11]

Go to Oz and have a good life. He isn't for you if he don't feel the same way. The only way you will know is if you ask him straight out. You might not like the answer but at least you will know.
Lak if you are nothing with out him then how come you have been offered a chance to do something and go somewhere with many other people only dream of.
You must be good at what you do and thats because of your abilities not because you are with him.
You are the person they offered the job to you not him.
Your strong without him. He knows that thats why hes encouraging you to go. Things may never change with him and you will have missed the chance of a life time to experiance life in another country.

[beso]

If you don't go you wil always wonder "What If".

It sounds like he has been calling the shots for years and has you just where he wants you. If he really wanted to be with you he would make it possible. Sure he isn't going to leave his children to come with you but why can't he be with you now?

You may be a better stronger person with him. Many people undermine their partner's confidence to make them dependent on their approval. Everything you say about him makes me think he is that kind of guy.

This kind of attitude s not so unusual. You are waiting for something that isn't going to happen. Time to try something else.

This opportunity could be the making of you. Learn to be a better stronger person on your own merits. Discover who you are instead of living in his shadow. Then you will begin to see how he has manipulated your self esteem.

Australia is a fantastic place with lots of opportunities. The economy here is booming. It has a great climate, lots of beaches and easygoing people.

Life is offering you a chance to find what you really want. You need to lookup from the narrow foucus on this guy and let life's experiences embrace you.

[Postdog]

If I was the other guy, and you really REALLY mattered to me, I'd let you know. He hasn't.

Go, start a new life - it'll be tough at first, but it is with anything. You felt strongly enough when you applied for this, now just see it thru.

[hippyhoppy]

I had a similar quandry. I was offered a job based in Bahrain with a posh airline and was persuaded to turn it down. 16 years later I'm now a single mum living on my own, with two children and very little chance of meeting anyone else any time soon.

[123everton]

You are right fishy, it is not exactly my experience but my views are borne from experience. As are the others..
The point of the thread is to bounce around ideas, and to try gain perspective on the matter based on the objectivity that anonymity gives.
Unlucky H-Hoppy you've gotta get yourself out there, you don't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.
It is hard to bounce back as you get older, I'll probably take the plunge and get married next year. I hope it's forever but life is really just a series of leaps of faith, except the spring in one's step tends to waiver as you get older.

[tinkerbell99]

go to Australia, it sounds like a once in a life time opportunity so dont let him hold you back. if your relationship is meant to be he will wait for you, long distance can work you just have to make sacrifices and you have to compromise xx

[123everton]

5 years is a long time to wait, unless he becomes a monk.

[Lakitu]

123everton - you hit the nail on the head, your response was very insightful.

postdog - you're right, if I mattered, he'd tell me and he hasn't.

[stonemonkey]

If you applied in anger for this job, then think carefully whether you really wanted it, or you just wanted to hurt this guy.

From my own experience I can tell you that when I was 20 I refused to move to Norfolk to be with the man I loved and I regretted it. I didn't go because he'd shattered my heart two years earlier. When I was 29 I met my future husband and I was also offered my dream job back in my home town. I chose the man this time and I don't regret it. He didn't tell me what he wanted and I didn't ask him.

I wanted to ask one thing if you don't mind. Has he ever told you he loves you? If he has, then is this just the wrong time to be pushing him for an answer? Did you tell us that he's just got out of a relationship? Was it a good or bad break up? Is she still bothering him? It's a shame but it seems to me as though the timing's all wrong here.

I wish you luck. Be strong in whatever choice you make. x

[Lakitu]

Hi stonemonkey,

The job was applied for in anger, but not to hurt him, I wouldn't intentionally hurt him in any way. I really believed that he had walked out of my life and I needed to get as far away as possible. The job was on the intranet and I applied.

Yes, he has told me he loves me, quite a lot, but not since things came to a head in his personal life, which is making me start to doubt. Yes, he's recently out of a relationship (he didn't cheat with me) and it was a particularly stressful break up and she is still bothering him, though not necessarily about them getting back together.

I know now is not the time for him to jump into another relationship, I really do get that, but I'm willing to be patient for him, if only I knew that's all he needs from me right now. If it's not, then my train of thought is that I may aswell take the job and try to mend myself and move on. He won't say what it is he wants though, this is what I'm struggling with.

At the end of the day, I'd choose love over a job every time, but not if it's not reciprocated.

[stonemonkey]

Gosh I remember only too well how frustrating it was when the man I loved wouldn't tell me his true feelings. He moved away to Norfolk, which wasn't the other end of the world, but he had hurt me so badly that I refused to make any effort to visit him. He was calling me all the time but I wouldn't back down. It was only through fear of getting hurt again. All I wanted was for him to either say he loved me, or drive back up to me and fetch me. He didn't do either, because he couldn't read my mind.

We got in touch a few years back and I told him all of the above and he was angry with me. Even after all those years he was still caring enough to be angry. He's unhappily married, but I'm very happily married. As we stand now, he's full of regret, and I just occasionally wonder what if. I don't want to swap husbands, because he was a real pig to me, but I'd like to know what may have become of us, He was my first love and I'll never forget him for that reason alone.

If your guy has professed love before, what's stopping him now? Is he hurt badly so he can't open up to you? You've a dilemma and a half here because he may well come around and want you in the future, but sometimes men close off for a long time after they've had a bad time in a relationship. Also, if you're in Australia and he's in the UK (?) how will you keep in touch regularly? If he has a flash of romance and suddenly wants you, can you come home or are you stuck out there for a fixed timeframe?

Excuse the wild guess here, but were you always there for him during this break up? Have you been there for him for a long time now? Is he so used to you being there that he presumes you won't leave? Is he the sort of guy who would react positively to the shock of losing you? When the Norfolk man lost me, he went out and married the wrong woman for him. He admitted that to me, I'm not second guessing.

[stonemonkey]

I'm sorry Lakitu, I must be depressing you. That's not my intention, but you have to consider everything. Your parents (if they are still alive), your friends, this guy...the list goes on. Please don't rush into anything. x

[Lakitu]

That�s really sad that your ex is full of regret, I feel life is too short for those kind of regrets.

I�m not very sure what�s stopping him now, like I said, I understand it�s a difficult time and I�m happy to be patient for him and he knows that. I spoke to him about the trust issue before and he told me that it�s never been an issue and that I�m the only person who really knows him.

Yes, he�s in the UK. We spoke about keeping in touch if I accept the job and he is under the illusion that we would keep in touch, I am not. He never has been the best for e-mailing, and I said as much and he said he doesn�t get much time to mail from work but it would be different. I don�t think it would be. I told him that we would maybe start off with good intentions, but with the time difference, it would be an e-mail per day and it would eventually dwindle. He said that would be because I let it, I think it would just be the way life is.

Yes, I was there for him during the break up, it was a difficult relationship he was in and I have been there for him every step of the way. Yes, possibly he is perfectly used to me being there but he�s not normally the type that would suddenly see the light if I wasn�t there. He wouldn�t �just come and get me�.

I have to meet with the guy that offered me the job at 3.30 today and tell him my decision. I thought long and hard last night and I think I�m fighting a losing battle with him now. I asked him to help me by letting me know what he would like from me further down the line, when he�s got his head sorted out, and he skirted around and didn�t really answer. Maybe that�s all the answer I need.

My parents will support me whatever my decision and my friends will be glad of a holiday destination LOL.

[beso]

Everything I see here makes me say welcome to Oz.

He is still making out that you hold all the cards while he refuses to show his hand.

[leelapops]

beso is right, Lakitu hun. I have just returned to this thread, and seen the time...Please, please tell us how your meeting went when you get the chance. I really hope you made the right choice, whatever you thought it to be.

It sounded from your later posts like you were ready to really give Oz a go....How exciting!

Keep us updated x

[stonemonkey]

Has anyone heard from Lakitu? Did she take the job?

[Lakitu]

Hiya, sorry I switched off the e-mail alerts blush

No, I didn't take the job x

[stonemonkey]

I've got to ask, sorry. Is he pleased you're staying or is he not saying anything about those feelings?