How to start the talk...

[mcraig]

There's this guy I know - he's a bit older than me, bout 10/15 years, and he's married and has kids. I've liked him for a long time, but I've always known nothing could ever happen.

The thing is lately, he's started flirting heavily with me, you know, smiling at me every two seconds, making me laugh a lot, and he tickled me once and stuff like that.

Now I'm under the impression that he really does like me, but since I like him so much, I don't want him to ruin his marriaga and stuff by making a move on me.

I've thought about having a discussion with him to tell him that yeah, I really like him, but that I don't want to get into anything with him and that I think he should stop flirting with / touching me so much since the situation is all wrong.

How do you think I could start the discussion and what kind of things could I tell him to make it clear that I really like him, just don't want him to ruin his marriage and everything?

[sleepy1]

leave him be just think off his wife and kids ...find some one single ..

[mcraig]

Yeah, that's what I intend on doing.

I just want to know how I would start the discussion to talk to him about stopping the flirting and stuff like that - to make HIM realise he should be thinking of his family.

[winebuyer]

At a get together with other people and his wife, you say very loudly "Are you flirting with me?"

You then pass it off as a good natured joke, as if you are just flattered but, at the same time, he should get the hint that you won't play secrets with him.

[mcraig]

Cool, thanks winebuyer, sounds like a good idea.

If I manage to get up the nerve to do this - I hope he does get the idea....

Thanks very much though.

[figure]

Why are you encouraging him to touch you if you're not interested? If you do not like him touching you, the first time he did it you would have set the record straight and put him in perspective. I think you are flirting with him, you are playing with fire.

[Postdog]

I wonder what part of the post sleepy didn't read?

Anyway, just a thought, maybe he is JUST flirting with you and has no intention of wanting to take it further. This can happen, as flirting is a nice thing between two people, but it doesn't always mean you want to go beyond that. I have female friends I flirt with, but with half of them I would probably run a mile if I got the chance to go further because that isn't what I want from them.

Unless you get a really clear indication that he is trying it on with you, I'd just leave it.

[mcraig]

figure - i've not encouraged him to touch me at all....

and postdog - thanks for that... that'll help a lot actually. thanks very much!!!!

[figure]

Well he's a grown man and should know better. He's probably testing you to see how far he could get with you. If you don't correct him sooner than later, he might be inclined to think you welcome what he's doing, and his flirting.

[mcraig]

yeah, figure - that's what I was thinking.

I just didn't know how to approach the subject with him!!!

[figure]

You're a smart cookie, good on you. Sounds like you head is on your shoulders. The next time he flirts with you, stop him there and then and tell him he is getting carried away and is going a bit too far. This way he'd realised you've been observing his lude behaviour. Then tell him you're not interested in married men. If you were married you would not want your husband to be doing what he's doing behind his wife's back.

[Postdog]

Maybe I'm as bad as sleepy, in that I misinterpreted some things - I sort of got the impression that you didn't really mind the flirting because you liked him, just didn't want it to go too far.

Not much to say except that if he says or does something that really gives you cause for concern, then do say so. And if you really don't like the flirting, say so too.

If you are worried about saying something (initially anyway) just try and let him know with your body language and see if he gets the message,

[mcraig]

thanks for the help, both figure and postdog.

figure - if things go too far, i definitely will try and mention something.

postdog - body language is a good idea, yeah, but see I'm not so good about the whole stuff... can't figure out what to do and stuff when it comes to body language.

[Postdog]

If you are uncomfortable just don't hide it by trying to put on a brave face. he might get the message, might not, but if he doesn't, then you'll have to be a bit more forthcoming.

[figure]

The next time he touches you, immediately straighten yourself, and in a stern tone of voice tell him to 'stop it, you don't welcome his behaviour'. Then have that talk.

By the way, is this happening on your job? This type of behaviour is classed as sexual harassment. You must put a stop immediately otherwise you could lose your job. Your employer would not take kindly to this sort of thing occurring in his establishment, he knows he might be liable for a lawsuit. To avoid you suing them the will find the quickest excuse to release you.

[mcraig]

No no figure, not happening on the job. He's just a friend of a friend I see a lot, that's all.

[Velvetee]

The fact you want to tell him you really like him, just shows you are trying to encourage him, as you want the attention from him.

He is married, don't meddle in someone elses relationship. You don't need to say anything to him, just avoid him like the plague!

[mcraig]

Velvetee, I can understand why you would get that impression, but the only reason I want to talk to him and say that i like him but that I want him to hold back on the touchin n flirting is :

simply because he is a really nice guy, and I don't want to seem too abrupt and nasty towards him.

[figure]

If he was really that nice then he would not have touched you inappropriately.He is out to see what he can get from you. You are sounding so naive ...

[mcraig]

Okay, fair enough, maybe I am a little naive, not afraid to admit to that.

But you see, the only way he touched me was that he tickled me... that's all.

But yes, it's fair enough if i sound incredibly naive - maybe i am.

[Petal~flower]

mcraig, you started your post with him being "a bit" older than you. I would say 10/15 years is "a lot" older. You also said you liked him a lot, so I would guess you have enjoyed the attention his has given you.

I dont think there is any need to start a discussion with this man, telling him that you like him, but dont want to ruin his marriage.

Steer clear of him. Imagine how you would feel if it was your husband, flirting/touching some other woman?