ChatterBank1 min ago
Advice needed
24 Answers
My husband has a female 'friend' in work. They have been working on and of as part of a team for approx 3 years. She has confided in him in the past about personal issues but he has always told me when she does. Recently he told me that they would go for walks at
lunchtime together (its in a busy area) in order to keep fit. I explained quite calmly that I wasn't really comfortable with that as I have family also working in the area and I wouldn't like them jumping to conclusions. He became a little defensive, questioning my trust in him and made me feel really guilty, but said that if it annoyed me so much, he would stop. I thought no more of it until the weekend, when his sister told me that she had met him and his 'friend' driving out of town so deep in conversation that he failed to notice his sis parked next to him at traffic lights. When I told him he had been seen, he said they'd only been walking to the bus stop together, when i pointed out that they'd been seen in his car, he was visibly shaken and said that she had been pestering him for lifts home and texting him but he was too frightened to tell me as he knew it would upset me.. He let me read the texts and they were quite flirtatious in nature. My husband is an obliging person and I want to believe that he has no feelings for this woman but it is tearing my heart out. I really feel like she has destroyed the trust in my marriage. My hubbie says he will not be having anything to do with her again, but I've just called his mobile to see what time he wants dinner at and he was quite short on the phone, no 'love ya' at the end of the call the way he always does so I think she is in the car with him. This is ripping me apart and I really need another opinion. Please help!!
lunchtime together (its in a busy area) in order to keep fit. I explained quite calmly that I wasn't really comfortable with that as I have family also working in the area and I wouldn't like them jumping to conclusions. He became a little defensive, questioning my trust in him and made me feel really guilty, but said that if it annoyed me so much, he would stop. I thought no more of it until the weekend, when his sister told me that she had met him and his 'friend' driving out of town so deep in conversation that he failed to notice his sis parked next to him at traffic lights. When I told him he had been seen, he said they'd only been walking to the bus stop together, when i pointed out that they'd been seen in his car, he was visibly shaken and said that she had been pestering him for lifts home and texting him but he was too frightened to tell me as he knew it would upset me.. He let me read the texts and they were quite flirtatious in nature. My husband is an obliging person and I want to believe that he has no feelings for this woman but it is tearing my heart out. I really feel like she has destroyed the trust in my marriage. My hubbie says he will not be having anything to do with her again, but I've just called his mobile to see what time he wants dinner at and he was quite short on the phone, no 'love ya' at the end of the call the way he always does so I think she is in the car with him. This is ripping me apart and I really need another opinion. Please help!!
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Personally I would be suspicious, but then thats me all over! I would not be happy one little bit, I dont think that he was necessarily with her today when you called him, maybe he isnt happy that you accused him and thats why he was blunt...I wouldnt like the flirtacious msgs and if it were me, I would have called her myself and asked her what she was playing at, probably not a lot of people on here will agree with me, but thats what I would do. If it is making you feel that bad, tell him it stops and it stops now or your marraige is in danger, also put it to him, how would he feel if the tables were turned and you were going out at lunchtimes with another man (even if only for walks) and how would he feel also if you had texts from this man that were flirty...dont think hubby would be very happy!!!! Does he stay out some nights, is he home late, does he go out with the lads a bit too often, has his phone habits changed and has he changed his appearance, you need to ask yourself all of these questions. My heart goes out to you, it really does...best of luck x
Lil75 Thanks for the great reply! Its reassuring to here someone else thinks the same as me! I thought I was being a total psycho! I was going to ring this woman but frankly I am too chicken and would probably mortify myself not knowing what to say. His habits haven't changed, he doesn't go out at night, he's not home late - maybe the odd evening but only by 15-30 mins, and as regards his appearance, he has always been neat and tidy but no trend setter!!!! He's a bit distracted since he came home this evening but he's stressed out about the work he is doing at the minute. I just don't know how to bring up the subject again without looking totally paranoid!
This does sound suspicious. You are probably all going to hate me, but I did have a 'thing' with a married man a while ago so i can tell you from the alleged 'mistress's' side.
Firstly, why is he keeping flirty texts? Because he wants to. I very much doubt that he has not replied, it takes a very obsessive person to bombard someone with texts without any reply.
The fact that they have spent time together outside of work hours shows they are, at the very least, close friends. If she is some kind of bunny boiler, he would avoid her at all costs.
You say "she has destroyed my trust in marriage" but in fact it is your husband who has done that. Even if she started the flirting, then the fact is, he has let it go on by involving himself with her outside of work.
With regards to the phone call, obviously you know him best but it may have been that he felt like you were checking up on him and thats why he sounded annoyed, however I can say that annoyance is often a sign of guilt and being caught out. Although at the same time, would he really have answered his phone if he was with her? Again, you know him better.
I'm sorry that this is not the answer you want and i hope he is not cheating. Perhaps he got caught up in a bit of attention and it got out of hand. The only thing you can do is confront him. Im sure that you will know the truth when you talk to him, even if he lies.
Firstly, why is he keeping flirty texts? Because he wants to. I very much doubt that he has not replied, it takes a very obsessive person to bombard someone with texts without any reply.
The fact that they have spent time together outside of work hours shows they are, at the very least, close friends. If she is some kind of bunny boiler, he would avoid her at all costs.
You say "she has destroyed my trust in marriage" but in fact it is your husband who has done that. Even if she started the flirting, then the fact is, he has let it go on by involving himself with her outside of work.
With regards to the phone call, obviously you know him best but it may have been that he felt like you were checking up on him and thats why he sounded annoyed, however I can say that annoyance is often a sign of guilt and being caught out. Although at the same time, would he really have answered his phone if he was with her? Again, you know him better.
I'm sorry that this is not the answer you want and i hope he is not cheating. Perhaps he got caught up in a bit of attention and it got out of hand. The only thing you can do is confront him. Im sure that you will know the truth when you talk to him, even if he lies.
oh MrsP, you are in a state, I'm sorry. firstly I would say that I go out for walks at lunchtime from work and I often ask others to join me.. it doesn't mean any more than getting some fresh air and having a chat.
this woman needs to be told that she is over-stepping the mark with her texts and demands for lifts. but it's not for you to tell her, it's for your husband to behave like a man and deal with her. they don't have to never speak again but she has to understand that her behaviour is unwelcome.
don't give hubby too much of a hard time. I guess he's enjoyed a bit of attention (as any man would), but now he has to make amends. he owes you but give him a chance to put it right.
chin up, and good luck :o)
this woman needs to be told that she is over-stepping the mark with her texts and demands for lifts. but it's not for you to tell her, it's for your husband to behave like a man and deal with her. they don't have to never speak again but she has to understand that her behaviour is unwelcome.
don't give hubby too much of a hard time. I guess he's enjoyed a bit of attention (as any man would), but now he has to make amends. he owes you but give him a chance to put it right.
chin up, and good luck :o)
Your welcome Mrspoppins, your not a physco at all, just someone who loves her husband and cares about the relationship, nothing wrong in that! The fact he is home on time more or less every night spells I dont think he is up to anything, maybe he kept the flirty texts as it was a little boost to his ego, lets face it we all like a bit of an ego boost at times, what you have to remember also, is that its you he is coming home to every night. I sort of admire his honesty in relation to the texts, but wouldnt approve either. Dont worry about bringing it up again, if he has caused you to feel this, it is only fair he puts it right and you cant do that alone! Right now, you need reassurance and he is the only one who can give it to you....I think maybe this woman likes him, and maybe he is enjoying the attention...that does not mean to say he has or would do anything, just make it perfectly clear that it ends here or your marraige is going to end up in trouble and that you dont want that, remember to turn the scenario around to make him understand how it feels...good luck xxx
You have destroyed the trust in your marriage. Your husband used to tell you about his interactions with the woman and now he is too scared to in case it upsets you.
You stopped trusting your husband and this will have hurt him deeply. He will resent having to abandon a close friend and this will damage your relationship. Alternatively he will continue to see her and the lies will destroy your marriage.
You have seen it as more than a platonic friendship and this will play upon his consciousness and now he will start to see potential as more than friendship especailly after the rift you have opened in your own relationship.
I know that many people here believe that all men are driven by sex but it is indeed possible for a man to have a friendship with a woman and not go any further especially if they have a good marriage.. Contrary to popular misconceptions some men are naturally good listeners and women will open up to them very easily.
I suggest you apoplgise to your husband for not trusting him and explain you were driven by paranoia about loosing him. If you don't work on this with him immediately your marriage is in grave danger. Do not confront the woman. That will make it worse.
Of course I could be totally wrong about your particular case but I think it is important for you to consider alternative viewpoints to others here.
You stopped trusting your husband and this will have hurt him deeply. He will resent having to abandon a close friend and this will damage your relationship. Alternatively he will continue to see her and the lies will destroy your marriage.
You have seen it as more than a platonic friendship and this will play upon his consciousness and now he will start to see potential as more than friendship especailly after the rift you have opened in your own relationship.
I know that many people here believe that all men are driven by sex but it is indeed possible for a man to have a friendship with a woman and not go any further especially if they have a good marriage.. Contrary to popular misconceptions some men are naturally good listeners and women will open up to them very easily.
I suggest you apoplgise to your husband for not trusting him and explain you were driven by paranoia about loosing him. If you don't work on this with him immediately your marriage is in grave danger. Do not confront the woman. That will make it worse.
Of course I could be totally wrong about your particular case but I think it is important for you to consider alternative viewpoints to others here.
Beso, what planet are you on!!!! Mrspoppins has destroyed the trust in her marraige...I think her hubby done that when he held things back from her like driving this woman home etc! Why did he hide the fact I ask...quite simple really, cos he knew it would upset his wife....shouldnt put another womens feelings before that of your wife!!!! Not your fault mrspoppins at all.
I know that everybody is entitled to an opinion, but come on!!!
I know that everybody is entitled to an opinion, but come on!!!
Since u know people working around where ur OH walks his 'friend' I suggest you & ur friends meet there too and 'see her off' with some choice words. U could also admonish the OH (wriggling ur pinky at him-'lil one'!) Worst that could happen is he chooses her.....in that case, u become the 'mistress' and make her life a misery in turn.
n.b. number of 2nd OH who moan at maintaining first wife & kids!
n.b. number of 2nd OH who moan at maintaining first wife & kids!
You sound like a control freak , lighten up , he used to be open with you , all blokes want this and you have stamped your feet and laid down the law, now he keeps the peace by not discussing things with you , can't a man have a "girl friend" now without the wife being paranoid..... All I can say is you should be the best in the kitchen and best in the bedroom and he will come running back .......if he has ran off at all...... flirtatious behaviour is so thrilling have you tried it lately ?? Best of luck I am sure it will work out fine .
I think this woman is making a definite play for your husband and he, poor simple naive sole is quite flattered, but is unsure of how to deal with this.The ball is your court you tell him that you are concerned for him, but if he wants to go to her he can , but there is no way back to you.
He is not a stupid man and will soon work out where he is best off, a
loving caring wife as opposed to a lunch time walk and a ride in his car ---no contest.
Remind him as well that the wrong move could be a very expensive one.
The simple soul is probably quite flattered by her attentions.
He is not a stupid man and will soon work out where he is best off, a
loving caring wife as opposed to a lunch time walk and a ride in his car ---no contest.
Remind him as well that the wrong move could be a very expensive one.
The simple soul is probably quite flattered by her attentions.
I want to stand up for the "friend"....................... you say she has been his work colleague for the last 3 years, and you are sure that they have not had an affair in that time.......................therefore you can i think safely say that if they were going to well, they would have wouldnt they................so why is all the discussion about - she is obviously out to get him ???
I am a single lady , i have many men who are friends, some of whom i have known for many years some for only a short time..................... some i have worked with some i have met in the course of my work.......................... at times they will talk about issues at work, issues at home or just off load concerns about life in general, and i will listen and give my view and give them the space to put their thoughts into perspective.................................... and they will do the same for me.
I admire them, respect them and would be there for them whatever happened but i can categorically say that we would never ever ever have an affair, because what we get from our friendships is to good to risk for the angst of an affair........................
And sometimes they do mention their wives or girlfriends are concerned about them having a woman who is a friend..............and sometimes that means that we dont talk as much, sometimes the partner might engineer a meeting and check me out......................... then they feel happier, they can see i am not "after" him, but sometimes they are just plain jealous that their husband has someone they like other than them........................ and i lose a dear friend and that makes me sad.
The assumptions you are all making demean the very essence of friendship................. as is the orginator, the derogatory use of "friend" is dismissive and i would suggest shows a lack maturity that saddens me......... you are pushing your husband away and he is
I am a single lady , i have many men who are friends, some of whom i have known for many years some for only a short time..................... some i have worked with some i have met in the course of my work.......................... at times they will talk about issues at work, issues at home or just off load concerns about life in general, and i will listen and give my view and give them the space to put their thoughts into perspective.................................... and they will do the same for me.
I admire them, respect them and would be there for them whatever happened but i can categorically say that we would never ever ever have an affair, because what we get from our friendships is to good to risk for the angst of an affair........................
And sometimes they do mention their wives or girlfriends are concerned about them having a woman who is a friend..............and sometimes that means that we dont talk as much, sometimes the partner might engineer a meeting and check me out......................... then they feel happier, they can see i am not "after" him, but sometimes they are just plain jealous that their husband has someone they like other than them........................ and i lose a dear friend and that makes me sad.
The assumptions you are all making demean the very essence of friendship................. as is the orginator, the derogatory use of "friend" is dismissive and i would suggest shows a lack maturity that saddens me......... you are pushing your husband away and he is
pmorris1961 - How dare you suggest I am being immature because I referred to this woman as a 'friend'? That is the term she chooses to use, and quite frankly I feel sorry for both you and her having to rely on married men for company. My husband and I have discussed this situation in great detail and he fully understands my anxieties as he feels himself that she is,in HIS words "a bit full on". He spoke to a work male work colleague who informed him that she previously had affairs with 2 other married men (she is also married with 3 kids) so she has form. Yesterday she asked him for a lift again and he obliged as he was picking me up from the shops on the way home - this however was not me "checking her out" as it had been already arranged before she asked. When my husband stopped to pick me up and got out of the car to help put the shopping in, she made a smart remark referring to me spending "all his hard earned money" My husband hit the roof, and told her that he didn't appreciate her tone with me, that our money was our money and that maybe she could spend some of hers getting the bus home in future instead of relying on his good nature! She was quite taken aback by this and said she thought of him as a really good friend but had obviously got it wrong. He calmly explained that he didn't need her friendship and felt that she'd been taking advantage for long enough and told of my concerns over her dependence on him. She apologised to the both of us, and hinted that with her past, it was no wonder I was concerned but - get this- my husband wasn't her type! We arrived at her house and she got out and as I went to get into the front seat, she apologised again. I really do feel sorry for her however my husband is still beating himself up for being such a mug. To those of you who understood my concerns - thankyou. To pmorris and the rest - get a life!
Excellent! I dont know why but after hearing from you on here, I didnt think he was up to anything, just thought she sounded like a bit of a tart to put it nicely!!! Glad your husband said what he said to her, she needed to here it, now she is firmly in her place, and you realise how much your husband loves you....good to hear xxx
Ur hubby sounds exactly like my ex boyf, Firstly you told him how you felt and still ha carried on spending his lunch breaks with her? Why!?
Secondly he's been texting her outside work & she's been flirting.
Thirdly he's now been giving her lifts, please please please dont believe him when he says shes been 'demanding' lifts. As it is easy to say no!
Sounds like he didn't want to say no.
Fourthly he didn't tell u as he didnt want you to be upset? Isn't a realtionship based around honesty & trust?
They may well just be friends but I suspect feeling are getting in the way after all would you flirt with someone you didnt find attractive? Spend you dinner hour with them?
Trust your intuition on this one as someone else said.
Talk to him again, however if it continues I'd be the one demanding some answers!!! Chin up :)
Secondly he's been texting her outside work & she's been flirting.
Thirdly he's now been giving her lifts, please please please dont believe him when he says shes been 'demanding' lifts. As it is easy to say no!
Sounds like he didn't want to say no.
Fourthly he didn't tell u as he didnt want you to be upset? Isn't a realtionship based around honesty & trust?
They may well just be friends but I suspect feeling are getting in the way after all would you flirt with someone you didnt find attractive? Spend you dinner hour with them?
Trust your intuition on this one as someone else said.
Talk to him again, however if it continues I'd be the one demanding some answers!!! Chin up :)
Mrspoppins:
There are two issue here. It would appear that the woman may well have had designs on your husband.
However you have also had trust issues about your husaband which I think you should look at yourself. I recon he is a good man and your lack of trust will have hurt him.
Your "how dare you" attitude is definitely something you need to look at very closely. Otherwise you will might loose him one day to a woman who really appreciates him.
There are two issue here. It would appear that the woman may well have had designs on your husband.
However you have also had trust issues about your husaband which I think you should look at yourself. I recon he is a good man and your lack of trust will have hurt him.
Your "how dare you" attitude is definitely something you need to look at very closely. Otherwise you will might loose him one day to a woman who really appreciates him.
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