Marrying and taking a name

[kdawg]

My girlfriend and I , only going out 6 months or so , are already discussing marriage and children. She is an ardent feminist. She said that firstly IF we marry she cannot take my name, or at most will hyphenate it and place it before hers. When discussing children, she says that a man has no right to impose his surname on a child, when it is women who carries the child for nine months, and females are constantly reminded thourhgout their lives that their bodies are capable of child bearing through the experience of menstruation. These are interesting discussions and I can appreciate that the social conventions are not logical. But who has the right to impose a name on a child? I'll be perfectly honest and say that I would want my child to carry my surname. We are at loggerheads over this and I feel it impossible to counter her reasoning. Has anyone any thoughts on this, and is there any literature or material that I might consult to better understand something important that perhaps I have never considered?

[sara3]

can I ask, until you sort this out.... please, can you not get married or become parents? please?

[Tom Braider]

I don't think reasoning comes into it; it's just a custom you can observe or not as you please. One of you just has to give in, that's all. I took my wife's name for no better reason than she didn't like mine- why not?

[puddicat]

She must have some non feminist views if she is getting married, a bit of a hypocrite methinks!!!

[Huderon]

A lot of women continue to use their maiden names after marriage - usually it's related to work and career, but that doesn't mean they can't retain it for other reasons.

How about a compromise on the name used by any childern ? Any girls take her surname, any boys take yours. They are still your children regardless of surname, but at least you know your surname will carry on for a while longer if any boys use yours :-)

[cazzz1975]

as someone who does geneology I appreciate it when surnames remain more or less constant

she sounds like a real catch ...

[Schutzengel]

Be careful, she also sounds quite bossy.

[tufty7]

Kick her in to touch , You tell her straight , " i want my trousers back to myself , 'cos there's only room for one person to wear the trousers",

Perhaps marriage is not for her if she has such wild ideas, Just live together and enjoy it without the complications BUT You do need to sort it out before you commit and end up as bossed around husband,
God if my girt had made demands like that , she wouldnt be the presant wifey .... Men rule ok!

[beso]

You are both equally stuborn. This relationship will not work.

BTW. Marrying a feminist would be a huge mistake. They are invariably incredibly sexist, self-centred and have very little commitment to relationships.

[earthchild]

i would just like to say that I can not put it any better than the first answer posted by Sara3. Please make sure you can co-operate with each other over this sort of thing before you make committments.

[Velvetee]

Must be hard dating an ardent feminist.

I don't particulalrly want to take my Fiance's name either, afterall, I've had my surname for almost 40 years. However, this is the tradition and I will take his name and use it with pride.

[Mully79]

I didn't want to take my husband's name initially, because I'd had my name all my life and didn't know why I should have to change it - and also he had a very weird surname.

But my husband was really passionate about me taking his name. As a compromise, I altered my name so that I took his name as my last name and use my maiden name as my middle name. In everyday life I just use his surname and omit my middle name. But for business I use my middle and last name.

Also if you have children then it's less confusing / complicated if you have the same name that you can pass on to your child.

If you can't reach a compromise about this, what other situations are you going to encounter in married life where you can't reach a compromise and are at loggerheads, each refusing to back down? Get it nipped in the bud now.

[happyone2]

i wouldnt like to be a Mrs Prat..............

However, this is a tradition - if they dont hve your name, they have hers so why is that any more right, although the hyphernated name seems a good compromise..............

I have never felt this strongly about something, so cant really empathise with her strident views albeit they are backed up with a good logical argument, im just too laid back.

Which leads me to wonder why is she so unlaid back ???

would she not have the children if you didnt agree then ??

i hve to agree i dont know id want you to marry !!!

[tamirra]

http://womensissues.about.com/od/feminismequal rights/a/maiden_name.htm

[joko]

i agree with her...i would not change my name...i woudl prehaps add his to mine...but wont lose it...

its is an outdated concept... and lots of things are traditional - doesn't make them right, good or even acceptable

[terambulan]

females are constantly reminded thourhgout their lives that their bodies are capable of child bearing Cant bare them without a man!

[Yvaines09]

Tip of the iceberg me thinks. If she is imposing these sorts of views six months in then I can't even begin to imagine what she will be like later down the track or once the children come along. You will have no say.

Perhaps it is the fashionable thing for today's women to do - I don't know. I am proud to take on my husband's name.

[coccinelle]

I can understand someone who wants to keep their maiden name when they marry but to get MARRIED and then have children and not have the children registered under their father's name, beats me! Why did they want to get married? What could they gain?
As always the outside world baffles me more and more every day...