Can this relationship be saved?

[Velvetee]

As some of you will know, I'm in a relationship and I'm 7 months pregnant. I also lost my mother 3 weeks ago, so still grieving.

Anyway since I became pregnant, I feel my partner has changed, he has become exceedingly secretive, whereas before he was very open. He now has his mobile phone glued to him and always deletes the history on his computer. I know I have become more withdrawn, but since being pregnant, I have no sex drive, feel unattractive and have pelvic pain, so sex is not pleasant.

He complains that he feels unloved. I have never been the most demonstrative person, I'm not openly tactile, whereas he is. I think he has been confiding in other women he works with and I have my suspicions that he may have been seeking to have an affair, although he claims I'm just paranoid.

Yesterday we had a huge row, when I discovered he'd been messaging a woman who works for him, where he was basically slagging me off. He said he only remained with me for the unborn child and if I don't change, he will start carrying on behind my back.

I know I've been distant, but he says the relationship is very one sided, where he gives 100% and I give very little, which may be true to an extent, but he's always allowed me to be complacent, I never feel I need to try. I was so upset last night, I thought I was having contractions and had to go to the hospital in the early hours.

After I got back from the hospital, he went out for 2 hours, when he came back, I was still in pain and he basically packed some items in his car and said he was off to his mother's for a few days. I felt completely abandoned and let down at my most vulnerable.

I feel very bitter towards him and have been feeling like this for a while. What I want to know, is there anyway forward with the relationship? Is it possible for me to be the tactile housewifey type he requires? He knew what I was like in the beginning and

[Velvetee]

I was going to follow that with.... and now he want's me to be a Stepford Wife.

[pinktwink]

i suppose you have to ask yourself whats important to you. If you want to remain in a relationship with this man are you prepared to change?? Will that keep him loyal or will you always wonder?? What sort of life do you want for your child?? Seems you need to do a lot of soul searching. When you find the answers to what you want the solutions will follow good luck

[Velvetee]

Thanks Pink. I really don't know. When I fell pregnant, it was a great shock, as I would happily have gone through life childless, which my partner knew, but he wanted a family.

Several months before falling pregnant, he said we would need to rethink the relationship if I really wanted no children, as he couldn't see himself going through life childless. I feel so bitter, that I may now be left holding the baby, as it seems he is panicking about becoming a father. My life will change drastically if we split, but it will have little affect on him.

I just feel I'm being blamed for everything he feels is wrong.

[pinktwink]

as the relationship is about the two of yee and soon to be a third yee both will have to examine your roles in a relationship. A new baby is a stressful time with all relationships needing adjustments. Thing is neither of yee seem happy at the mo and that wont change unless both of yee make changes in your behaviour. Have yee thought of couple counselling

[Velvetee]

He did suggest relationship counselling. Perhaps that is the way forward. I know whilst I feel such resentment towards him, progress cannot be made.

[pinktwink]

go for the couple counselling it will give you both space to communicate the difficulties in the relationship and look at ways to communicate better and relate better. It will be tough but worth it

[mandimoo]

how are your instincts velvetee? unless you are mentally ill, you cant go far wrong if you trust your own instinct. you may not want to hear what your instinct tells you, but you should listen. so, if you know deep down this one is a wrong 'un.... find the strength to know it... and if you know its just you being silly.... well, take a deep breath and know it. you know the answer sweetheart xxx

[Velvetee]

This is what I tell friends Mandimoo, my instincts tell me he's up to something. I saw one of his business bank statements and he had been to a jewellery shop and purchased and item for �150. I know it wasn't for me and when questioned about it, he refused to discuss it.

I was with my ex boyfriend for 8 years and in the last few months of the relationship, had a strong feeling something was going on, even though he denied it over and over. I eventually found out he was playing away and the relationship ended.

I feel so sad and lonely and don't even have my mum to talk to anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[aniani]

Good morning Velvetee, firstly I do sympathise, what a horrid situation for you to find yourself in. If your partner feels the need to run home to Mummy now how will he cope after a few months of sleep deprivation after the baby arrives? Good luck to you xx

[Velvetee]

Thanks Aniani. He came back last night, but slept downstairs. He says that neither of us matter anymore, just the baby and he will be there to support me an the baby over the next two months, regardless of what happens afterwards. I just can't believe he is making me feel like this. I feel like he just seems to enjoy upsetting me.

[MrBounty]

From a guy's point of view, you dont seem to be doing much to change his mind from maybe looking elsewhere....

"i feel very bitter towards him", "I know I have become more withdrawn", "I know I've been distant", "he says the relationship is very one sided, where he gives 100% and I give very little, which may be true", "I never feel I need to try", "I feel so bitter", "I know whilst I feel such resentment towards him"....hardly the words of a loving partner, is it?

Yeah, maybe things haven't been the best recently, but the way you speak, it's like this has been ongoing for a long time - and i'm pretty sure he's fed up being the one to give, but getting nothing in return.

[gossipgirl]

hi velvetee. im so sorry your going through this, your not having any luck at the moment are you, pregnancy is hard enough without this too. From my experience you need to go with your instincts here, you say hes been distant, secretive and messaging another woman slagging you off. Not only that but he abandoned you after coming out of hospital and then packed his bags to go to his ''mothers'', surely if he really cared he would of stayed, even if its to just make sure that you were ok?. I also find it very alarming that you found a receipt for jewellry that wasnt given to you. Iknow this will be awful to read but i feel from what youv e said in your post that he has given up already,and is looking for any excuse to end it, or even justify having a affair. You say that he said that he is with you because of the unborn baby and that if you dont change then he will seek an affair.......why should you change? he knew what you were like before the baby! You need to do some real soul searching and decide do you want to be with someone who wants to change you, and is only with you because of the child. You deserve more than that! This is making you ill now and i think you need to ask him if he wants to be with you or not, but i feel that he has already made up his mind sorry, but saying that, you know him and i dont. i really hope you get answers and i wish you all the luck for you and your baby, look after yourself, and im sure your mam is looking down on you.

gossipgirl xxxx

[brenda]

Velvetee --so sorry to read thatyou are sad and unhappy.

So my 2 penny worth----

Ask yourself these questions-----

Do you want to be with this man if you have to change how you are?

Are you perhaps unconsciously shutting him out of the feelings you have,of grief on one hand and expectation on the other?

Is he really a man who would be able to commit to a lifetime of fatherhood, or is he scared stiff of the implications?

Is he the sort of guy who always needs a bit on the side whatever the situation?Youknow the sort a low esteem bird puller.

Are you blaming yourself for the current problems? you know physical size , low libido, tiredness etc?

Would you be able to talk about this together in a non emotive way?

Do you feel counselling will help you both?

Finally --hand on heart do you want this relationship saved?

Whatever you decide Velvetee the people on here will support you , all the very best of luck

Bxx

[sqad617]

Velvetee.....the prognosis for your relationship looks poor.

Just play along and see what transpires.

Sorry.

[The-Mangler]

Sorry to hear that girl,all i can say is keep your head up and be strong whatever happens for you and the little one.

[lil75]

Hi Velvetee, im going to go through your post bit by bit, firstly you lost your mum only 3 weeks ago, so your feelings are not going to be about satisfying yours and your mans sexual needs, that'll be the last thing on your mind, and he should be supporting you through this! Secondly, you may feel unatractive and have your reasons for feeling uncomfortable about sex at the moment, but couldnt you please him in other ways but without penetrative sex? A nice cuddle afterwards and a show of your feelings for him would be nice too.

About him messaging another woman, would you be able to accept it more if he were slagging you off to a man? Not that this makes it any easier, I would not be happy, but I would also look at why he has done it, which I think you have already done judjing by your post, he obviously feels unable to talk to you at the moment, maybe its because of the loss of your mum and now is not thr right time, but feels the need to vent his frustrations elsewhere, we all say things we dont mean when we are angry.

Maybe him going back to his mums for a few days will do you both some good, as your mind will be free from the arguing thats going on at the moment, and you will be able to think about what you want from this...that applies to both of you, you may even miss eachother and realise what you both mean to eachother again.

Sounds like a lot has been going on in your mind recently, and they are major things, which he should try and understand instead of trying to escape you he should be helping you as much as he can...thats what any loving partner would do wouldnt they?

I wouldnt be happy about the things he has done, but I wouldnt be happy if I was him either, I think you need to sit down and work out what you both want from this and work at sorting out your differences...best of luck x

[WiseOldSage]

I vaguely remember you saying a while back about Facebook and your partner listening to the women he worked with problems - I know we can all be a bit paranoid when we are pregnant and, to a degree, I think you may be going through the same. A friend of mine once got me to check out a squash court her partner had so say booked whilst she was pregnant because I worked at the leisure centre - and yes it was booked and yes he did turn up with a male friend ...

On the other hand, my ex husband was, what I would call, a pathological liar and, all of a sudden, I noticed he carried his phone in his dressing gown pocket, took calls out of the room that were so say work related ...

The way forward for you at the moment is very short term - keep yourself well and calm for your new baby. If he wants to play a part in that then, fine - but for now you really need to surround yourself with family and make some contingency plans for the birth, etc just in case ...

I was left, literally, holding the baby when she was 7 months old. I picked myself up, got treated for depression and got myself on my feet. I have an adorable five year old now and a stable relationship ... all without her Dad.

Good luck Velvetee - it sounds as though the whole baby thing is scaring the pants off of him. Down put yourself under pressure because he may not be coping

[biggerlonger]

Gosh what a stressful time, do you love him?

You have not said, you have not said you want to keep him

[ummmm]

I'm just shocked that he could treat you like this so soon after your Mum died.

When my Dad died I was in a mess for a long time. I use to over react, cry, shout, storm off at the slightest thing etc etc.

It was only a few weeks ago that my BF pointed out that I'm happy again (bar the odd day) He died over a year ago and my BF was there to rub my back. He knew the difference between me being a miserable cow just because... and me being miserable because I was grieving.

You're not being supported at one of the hardest time you'll probably go through. You're also pregnant which makes it even worse.

I'd be suspicious of the fact that he has his phone constantly on him. Clearing the history on the computer, maybe he's been watching porn?

People can change as well. My BF is very affectionate and I wasn't. He said it was like constant rejection. That must be horrible for someone to feel so I made an effort. Now I enjoy his attention and miss it when he's not here.