How can I stop attracting the same type of man

[lil123]

My problem is when ever I get in a relationship, they always expect me to pay for them.
I had it out with the bloke I just ended it with and he did start paying for a few things then slipped back into letting me pay again. Hence why I ended it.
I am a single mum with a fairly good job but with rising bills etc don't have a lot of money left at end of month and what I do have left I want to spend on my son.
I start a relationship with the intention of not paying for them but it always turns out that way.
Please help x

[sara3]

surely after date no. 1, the warning signs are there.

maybe you're behaving like you're made of money, or you're mixing with men who think you're a soft touch.

what do you think?

[ummmm]

What kind of things are you paying for?

[sara3]

and where do you meet these men?

[lil123]

Everything really. Like if we went out for the day, I would put petrol in my car and then pay for them to get in and food etc. Also when he came to my house having to buy extra food etc that I wouldn't normally buy.
I am just so annoyed with myself for letting it carry on.
I met my last boyfriend when I was on a night out in town about 7 mth ago.

[ummmm]

Does he have a job?

[lil123]

I think that is the problem I am way too soft and feel guilty.
The last straw with my last boyfriend was when he told me he was skint and I payed for everything yet again, then he went out the next day all day drinking with his mates.
It was then it finally hit home how much he was using me.
I am looking forward to being on my own again and having more money !

[lil123]

Yes, he did have a job and earned more than me.

[jno]

the short answer is: if you can't or won't pay for a particular thing, just ask him to do so ('I paid for the petrol, can you pay for the cinema tickets please?'). It would be nice if he thought of this himself; and perhaps he will start to do so if you nudge him a few times. In the meantime though, as long as he sees you continually paying he will be only too ready to assume that you can do so and are happy to.

If he refuses to do so, then it's time to rethhink.

[ummmm]

He's got no excuse then. I went out with someone like that. He'd borrow money off me, because I had some on me! then never paid it back. I also paid for everything. I lost the head with him one night and when I explained it all to him he was very ashamed. He didn't even realise he was doing it. Give him his options or get rid...

[jno]

I hadn't seen your last posts when I wrote mine. I agree with ummm, he sounds like a sponger.

But the deeper question of why you always attract men like that... I don't know. Are you too eager to go out somewhere with them so you always offer to pay? Maybe play a bit harder to get - zip up your purse and wait for him to make the first move.

[ummmm]

Yea.....I say to my BF all the time that he's taking me out.

[lil75]

I think I know what the problem is here, when your a single parent, and you go out for the day (including the child) its an uncomfortable situation....you cant expect the new partner to start paying for everything, so it would be easier if you just avoided the situation and pay for it yourself....

At the end of the day, if someone is with you and are serious about you and your son, they wouldnt expect you to keep paying for everything, its just not on, you need to find a way of suggesting you pay half each, that way they are paying for themselves and also making half a contribution towards your son.....which seems fair to me if they are sincere about you and the family set up. I understand its awkward as I have been in this situtaion, but you should start as you mean to go on....be more vocal and explain that if a day out is on the agenda they are to pay half....its only fair, dont be embarressed, at the end of the day the money you are spending on them could and should be spent on your child.

The fact that your last boyfriend was letting you pay for everything, days out extra food etc, but earnt more money than you, just tells me that he wasnt serious about you and your boy...complete waste of your time.....maybe you would be better off meeting a single dad, that way they will understand a bit more?

Whatever happends, enjoy your extra money and that bit of extra time spent with your son, and I hope you do end up meeting someone that is worth your while x

[lil123]

Thank you lil75 x

[Velvetee]

I don't think I've ever paid for anything, they've never let me, so my purse never makes a show.

I take it you are quite young Lil? If you are then perhaps things are different with younger men, they don't know the meaning of chivalry or how to be a gentleman.

I expect things are different nowadays anyway, where men expect equality etc, including splitting all the expenses down the middle.

[lil123]

I'm 37 and was with my ex husband for nearly 20 years so spent most of my life with just one man.
I haven't really had a good relationship yet that as been equal and where I have felt respected.
This is what I'm trying to achieve.My last 2 boyfriends have been alot younger as I only look 27.
Any advice is well appreciated x

[Velvetee]

Probably because they are younger and you are older, they think you can afford to carry them financially. Also, perhaps if they are alot younger, they don't take the relationship very seriously. I know many relationsips between younger men and older women will work out, but mostly it doesn't develop very far.

You probably need to go for a different type of man, but of course, this depends on how you project yourself to men. How do you come across and where do you meet these men?

[lil75]

Hello Lil, comparing myself now at the age of 34 to what I was like when I was in my mid twenties...I have changed so much, I have learnt a lot and am a lot calmer, maturer etc...maybe thats the problem, the younger fellas just havent grown up enough, personally I would go for someone that is around your age group, by that time they may have had a family or home of there own and understand the ways and means of a family set up/financial side of things.....dunno what it is with a lot of men nowadays, they dont know the meaning of the word responsibilty!!!!! Think maybe there parents have spoiled them rotten and never made them pay a penny towards housekeep....would explain the behaviour!!! You must remember to also be more vocal!!!

[SizzleSquid]

are u offering to pay for things to look good when you first meet? if you are then your teaching him that you can always pay. as ev1 else has said-when going for dinner and the bill comes offer to pay half-or dont offer at all, a man should pay for your meal at least once ot twice-how ungentlemanly if he does not.
when it comes to going out, offer to pay for a couple of things say, a can of coke if your in the shop and buying for yoursellf anyway-BUT THATS IT!!
dinners, outings, evfing else, dont offer and just say-dont be scared, say, im gonna pay half-can you pay the other half because im paying for (your son). Dont appear tight, but dont appear easy either. The next man you meet-adopt this stance with him.

[lil123]

I think the reason I do it are very deep rooted and I'm trying to look at a lot of stuff.
One thing is for sure I won't be going into another relationship until I feel strong enough to say that they pay half or pay their own way.
I need to break the cycle and all I want is a 'normal' healthy relationship that I never seem to get