Relationships and Pornography

[Mcvj]

Ok, I've just looked at a few posts on this subject - the most relevant is this one

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Question768174.html

I don't have a problem with him looking at magazines, but with the development of pron now, there are so many sites with webcams and the like/ I've spoken to him about it before, my reasoning being that these women aren't being paid to do this service...i feel like it's cheating in a way.

I've confronted him about this before, but i've just checked him computer and see that he's made a new account under a different name etc, so he's effectively going against what i've asked him. Should i confront him? Tell him where to go? I'm muddled.

Please help...

[Mcvj]

I can definately see where you're coming from - but I find the whole issue confusing to be honest.
If porn magazines and videos are seen as acceptable to many women (including myself) I only feel that this is in response to the development of the internet and are seen as a reasonable alternative. At the same time, i don't see why I should have to make allowances for this habit and it can occassionaly p*ss me off if I start thinking about it.

KateKoala, you say that you would have something to say about it, but would you split from your husband? Surely it's not a big enough action to justify that level of reaction but it's an issue none-the-less.

Buzzy - I completly agree with you. When he cheated on me I just thought that he was lazy and a coward because there was clearly a problem in the relationship that he didnt want to deal with. I meanwhile am walking around thinking that everything is fine when a conversation (hard though it might have been) would have prevented it! If i commit to a relationship then i'm in it for the long-haul, i'm not a quitter but a fixer!

Men eh? ;)

[Ankou]

katekoala, please see my second post that more or less says the same thing.

[buzzyb]

Mcvj I admire your commitment to your man and I truely believe we should work at our relationships, they are so special and delicate.

But, over the years our values have changed and will go on changing. Technology will provided us with all the thrills we need.

This means if it is acceptable/normal for men or women to sit on websites so they can satisify their desires viewing or participating in the current trend, then in 30 years time, when people are no longer excited or satified with the current practice they will look for something else. what will they need to give them the excitement they are looking for? What may be considered offenive now will be normal in 30 years time.

A very good example is page 3 of the Sun. Many years ago the original page 3 ladies wore clothes. times moved on and soon models revealed bits of flesh, time moved on again and the models wear the smallest thong possible and bigger boobs with large erect nipples. So, over 50/60 years we became accustomed to seeing naked women in newspapers etc therefore it is acceptable.

The same thing has happened on tv, magazines etc.etc.

[buzzyb]

Forgot to say, who says porn magazines and videos are acceptable. THey are only acceptable by those who enjoy them. Many people still view them as offensive, women are abused in making them etc.

A bit of fun is one thing, but if one partner is upset or offended then then those feelings should be respected.

[jake-the-peg]

There are many different reasons why people find pornography unaceptable one common one is in the question - it's expressed here as "it's kind of cheating" or commonly "I should be enough for him".

You can level that same argument back at womens romantic novels. If my wife starts reading these could I not ask myself why she is not sufficiently emotionally fulfilled by me as a husband? How am I lacking that she needs find emotional fulfillment in such fantasies?

Is this not as much cheating?

Women like to place emotional content on a higher pedestal than sexual but that's really just a cultural thing.

There are other arguments such as exploitation but I'm sure many would feel the same about pornographic fiction or art where that argument doesn't hold.

I think the point is that this is an emotional attitude about the way people "feel" about such things. When you try to rationalise it the logic can be hard to maintain - hence feeling muddled.

The key is not to worry about the logic or about the ethics or any of that but boil it down to the roots

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There is something that makes him feel good and makes you feel bad
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Any attempt to argue the rights and wrongs is irrelevant and will see you going around in circles and you will get angry with each other

You have to argue this point and this point alone and reach some sort of compromise that you both can live with