Relationships and Pornography

[Mcvj]

Ok, I've just looked at a few posts on this subject - the most relevant is this one

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Question768174.html

I don't have a problem with him looking at magazines, but with the development of pron now, there are so many sites with webcams and the like/ I've spoken to him about it before, my reasoning being that these women aren't being paid to do this service...i feel like it's cheating in a way.

I've confronted him about this before, but i've just checked him computer and see that he's made a new account under a different name etc, so he's effectively going against what i've asked him. Should i confront him? Tell him where to go? I'm muddled.

Please help...

[snags]

You feel like he's cheating... and your sneaking about checking his computer. A little honest, straight talking is in order?

[weeal]

Been in that situation, I got rid of him, it only eats you up.

[Ankou]

tell him to get a grip, paying for this stuff is sad.
especially when you can get it for free on some sites.

always best to talk about things before making rash decisions then you wil have heard all the facts and can make the appropriate decision, rather than not finding out and having doubts.

[ummmm]

Yeah....why are you checking his computer?

Do you check his phone as well???

[Mcvj]

I'll be honest, i used to...

It's a really long story but he cheated on my about two years ago and i am honestly completely over it. We've sorted everything out and I trust him 100%. Since everything's been sorted out, I've drawn a line under everything, i haven't checked his phone in about 2 years and for the first time since everything's happened, he believes that i trust him again and that's why I'm trying to understand the whole web cam thing. I don't know for certain whether he's even using the sites but it's the worry that i'm overreacting about something that many men would see as normal? If that is the case?

I'm fine with pornography, we even watch it together occasionally and our sexlife is great. So am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or should I raise it again?

[Androcles]

You've said what your reasoning was for objecting, but I don't see anywhere his reason for watching it. Have you asked him? That may be a more revealing answer to help you to deal with it, before you may an irrepairable decisions.

[Ankou]

i dunno really. i'm fine with porn and admit to watching it. my wife hates it and would probably castrate me with a blunt and rusty knife if she caihght me at it, although she knows i watch it occasionally - she just doesn't want to see it.

i do question anyone paying to watch these webcam things though, its a bit hypocritical i spose but i just find paying to watch it a bit, sad. you can often flick through these freeview or satellite channels and see these girls flaunting their bodies and pouting left right and centre with all the interest and excitement of a dead salmon. its just so unappealing to me and false.

would you object if he went to strip clubs mcvj ? personally i don;t do that eithetr as i find them equally tedious. but they are not 'cheating'. perhaps it is not what he is doing but as androcles has said, why. do you just feel that he is spending more time on the webcam thing than with you ? well this is unacceptable and will eventually create a split.

just have words and find out how he feels about it, maybe if it is aceptable to you, then agree a time limit. if it isn't then you have a couple of choices. tell him to stop and delete the account. kick him out.

[Mcvj]

To be honest, I don't really mind strip clubs because the women to me are business women - they are trained to rip men off by exposing their weaknesses and I find that pretty cool to be honest! I doubt that my fella would ever go to one, he's not really a lad's lad plus he's dead tight! I doubt it would even be an activity that any of his friends would even go to- i suppose we'd need to cross that bridge when we came to it.

You'll be happy to know that I spoke to him last night. I was debating whether or not to say anything becuase things have been so good recently but in the end he could tell that something was bothering me. I said that I had seen the sight and he looked devastated. He showed me all the details of the account, including the date when he created it and the last time that he had visited it which have both been since we've worked everything out.

He understands why I was worried and my concerns about it. I've reiterated again that I don't mind him watching porn, or reading magazines but that I am drawing a line under these websites, because I agree with you lot, I think that they're just sad. I'm asking him to be completely honet with me sexually because I don't see why it should be a secret, I have needs and fantasies too and it's not like I'm some sort of prude.

Hopefully it's all sorted now, i shall keep you updated. Thanks for your help though guys, you're like councillors!
xx

[TheEqualizer]

Hi Mcvj

Good for you, sweeteheart x

(By the way, the bill's in the post....................lol)

:0)

[buzzyb]

I think this is a very sad situation to be in. Our relationships are so fragile that at times secrets or small lies are necessary to save the other person pain. But when a secret relates to "self gratification" be it sexual or financial then that is wrong.

I don't know what I would do if I were in a similar situation. I know we all have our own sexual desires/fantacies which we would like to share whith our partners so I guess if these can't be fulfulled a person would go elsewhere. BUT in a loving relationship where there is trust and commitment surely we all have to compromise and go without. Otherwise the relationship is one sided.

A bit of soft porn is one thing but hard core is another. These girls on the itnernet are usually on drugs to make their eyes sparkle and to behave in the required way. Many have no choice but to "perform" and carry out "acts" which, if they were not in that situation would not do. Very few are happy, how can any woman be happy when she is being vilated. I do not believe many girls enjoy what they do, it may have been fun when it first started and was a few photos but it develops into something more dangerious. What is normal about seeing young girls being raped?

Whilst people demand porn some evil pig out there will provide it.

[Sqad]

Making love to the same woman gets boring and lacks excitement after a time.

Pornography, massage parlours, internet web sites are alternatives that most men go through.

Having an affair is the other alternative.

Which would you prefer?

[Mcvj]

Like I said, he cheated on me once. I'm not justifying his behaviour AT all because he was a N*b - but, if he ever had an affair there would be no talking to me at all. He could just pack his bags and go.

Buzzy - the site that he was on wasn't one of those where you need to pay to join - it was alt.com where you are a member and can chat to other people. There are chat rooms and the people who are chatting often have webcams which they will allow people to view. I'm sure you can guess what else goes on ;)

Sqad - is this a personal admission? Do you think it's a healthy part of a relationship? I find it so odd that it is accepted as a standard requirement for men. Not that it shouldn't be the same for women, it could be as a result of sex drives etc...

[snags]

''Making love to the same woman gets boring and lacks excitement after a time.''

Sqad... your wife told me the exact same thing just the other day ;-)

[Sqad]

mcvj......personal, general, the only explanation when one sees the rise in prostitution, the mushrooming of massage parlours and divorces due to adultery.

The majority of men on dating sites are married, but want a bit on the side and there are even websites for married WOMEN who do not want to "rock the boat", but are bored with the same old sex with their husbands.

My comments are a generalisation,but it is the same for many women as well as men.

Is it healthy?.......if it keeps an otherwise "average marriage" alive........then yes it is "healthy"

[Sqad]

snags......LOL.......couldn't have a better locum than you snags.

[buzzyb]

If relationships are going sour and the view is various websites are the answer to boring sex with the same partner then why are people not putting the energy into rebuilding their relationshipis?

Do relationships get to the point whereby one (if not both) find something else to excite them rather try to put the sparkle back. I know some relationships just exist and most relationships are hard work but Mcvj wants the relationship to work and the view of some is its ok for men to go on these websites and have affairs etc.

Have men ever thought the reason why women lose interest in sex because their man is a crap lover?

Do men think its acceptable for their wives/girlfriends to sit on websites and have affairs?

[katekoala]

You have 3 options;

1) Sit down, explain how it makes you feel & ask him to stop - FOR GOOD
2) Deal with it - if you haev already done option 1 and he is still looking - i'm afraid with all the free access out there, the temptation is too much !
3) If you can't beat them - join them !!! look at it together, to help get in the mood

chances are you are probably just peeved coz he is doing it in secret and fibbing bout it - he needs to be an adult and take your feelings on board - if he cant --- I think you know the answer

x
best of luck,

[Ankou]

"Do men think its acceptable for their wives/girlfriends to sit on websites and have affairs?"

i don't think anyone is suggesting that these are 'affairs' or that it is ok.

[katekoala]

Ankou
it depends - people see cheating different - some may see a kiss as cheating or not ... however, there is much speculation regarding emotional unfaithfullness - at the end of the day, is someone's mind is elsewhere and it is affecting a relationship (emails, facebook, texts etc etc), i dont see how in 1 way or another it cannot be anything but -- in my mind, if I had specifically asked my hubby not to do something i.e flirting with other women / using them to get his jollies (and vice versa!) then sure as hell fire would have something to say about that