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Contacting the Other Woman?
34 Answers
If you found out your partner was cheating on you and you were aware of the other woman's identify, would you contact her to get more truth? To hear her side?
I'm in a situation like this at the moment. My long distance partner cheated on me with a woman on-line for about a year. We were engaged. They never met, but I found out about their affair. Their affair was long distance, too. I know who the other woman is and I've made small contact with her, although she never responded back to me, but when I did, I didn't have more pieces to the puzzle. I believe she knew about me the entire time she was talking to him and he was in love with her. He says he never was and that he never told her that, but I just don't believe it.
I am looking at fragments to everything and I don't believe he's told me everything. I believe that while she knew about me, he lied to her about details concerning me. I think he was trying to get her to continue a long distance relationship but he didn't know what to do with me.
I want to forgive him and move on, but I find that I can't because I don't have closure. I need to know the truth before I decide what I shall do.
Has anyone been in a situation like this? Have you ever been the other woman? How would you feel if you were contacted? Would you give the truth?
Any advise?
I'm in a situation like this at the moment. My long distance partner cheated on me with a woman on-line for about a year. We were engaged. They never met, but I found out about their affair. Their affair was long distance, too. I know who the other woman is and I've made small contact with her, although she never responded back to me, but when I did, I didn't have more pieces to the puzzle. I believe she knew about me the entire time she was talking to him and he was in love with her. He says he never was and that he never told her that, but I just don't believe it.
I am looking at fragments to everything and I don't believe he's told me everything. I believe that while she knew about me, he lied to her about details concerning me. I think he was trying to get her to continue a long distance relationship but he didn't know what to do with me.
I want to forgive him and move on, but I find that I can't because I don't have closure. I need to know the truth before I decide what I shall do.
Has anyone been in a situation like this? Have you ever been the other woman? How would you feel if you were contacted? Would you give the truth?
Any advise?
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Thanks for the replies so far guys!. Yes, many of you are right. I won't get any closure from contacting her. She's not the problem. He is. She has no obligations to me at all.
I feel he cheated because he's the sort of guy who hates confronting his emotions. He has a hard time opening up and facing conflict. That's the way he's been raised. His entire family is this way. He's quite the passive guy. He's got a lot of emotional baggage from his childhood. He doesn't like to deal with problems up front and centre, whereas I do and can. When we had problems, this inability of his to confront brought him to contacting someone else on-line and cheating and from there, the connection continued with this woman through a lot of lies and deception on both ends.
I did manage to find out all sorts of info about her on-line. Basically, they both lied to one another about their identifies and their backgrounds. He lied to her about being with me the entire time. We've never been broken up as a couple, as I found out he told her at one point.
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I feel he cheated because he's the sort of guy who hates confronting his emotions. He has a hard time opening up and facing conflict. That's the way he's been raised. His entire family is this way. He's quite the passive guy. He's got a lot of emotional baggage from his childhood. He doesn't like to deal with problems up front and centre, whereas I do and can. When we had problems, this inability of his to confront brought him to contacting someone else on-line and cheating and from there, the connection continued with this woman through a lot of lies and deception on both ends.
I did manage to find out all sorts of info about her on-line. Basically, they both lied to one another about their identifies and their backgrounds. He lied to her about being with me the entire time. We've never been broken up as a couple, as I found out he told her at one point.
continued ...
I have spoken to my partner and it took a lot of effort and strategy to get the truth out of him bit by bit. At first, he'd lie over and over about details I knew the answer to and eventually, I'd confront him with on-line evidence and he'd cave in. He's not a very skilled liar.
We are at a standstill now. He's weighed down with guilt and feels horrible for everything but I still don't trust him. although I've wanted to. I think what he wants now is to be single and have an uncomplicated life, but at the same time, he doesn't want to lose me from his life because he says he loves me and hates that he's hurt me.
It will be 4 years together coming up. I feel this has been long enough to close the distance between us, but he's been making it difficult to move forward. I'm trying to detach myself and focus just on me. I admit that it's hard to break off our relationship because I fell heavily in love with someone I thought he was and yet, he's changed and done so much just in the last 2 years that I never thought he'd do. We were absolutely crazy about one another at first and he was obsessed with wanting to get married to me. Our visits were phenomenal and we seem to click on all levels -- physically, mentally, and emotionally.Things were different between us originally and it's sad that it's no longer this way.
One thing I know is that I'd never get involved with an attached man. It's just wrong. I'd also never cheat on anyone. I know this for certain, more so than ever now. I'd rather deal with and confront problems head on any day over doing something like this to someone else. Cheating makes everything far more complicated and worse. In many cases, cheating can cause permanent damage, a loss of something that could have been repaired.
We are at a standstill now. He's weighed down with guilt and feels horrible for everything but I still don't trust him. although I've wanted to. I think what he wants now is to be single and have an uncomplicated life, but at the same time, he doesn't want to lose me from his life because he says he loves me and hates that he's hurt me.
It will be 4 years together coming up. I feel this has been long enough to close the distance between us, but he's been making it difficult to move forward. I'm trying to detach myself and focus just on me. I admit that it's hard to break off our relationship because I fell heavily in love with someone I thought he was and yet, he's changed and done so much just in the last 2 years that I never thought he'd do. We were absolutely crazy about one another at first and he was obsessed with wanting to get married to me. Our visits were phenomenal and we seem to click on all levels -- physically, mentally, and emotionally.Things were different between us originally and it's sad that it's no longer this way.
One thing I know is that I'd never get involved with an attached man. It's just wrong. I'd also never cheat on anyone. I know this for certain, more so than ever now. I'd rather deal with and confront problems head on any day over doing something like this to someone else. Cheating makes everything far more complicated and worse. In many cases, cheating can cause permanent damage, a loss of something that could have been repaired.
i think you are all taking this far too seriously................. he has said that he wasnt in love with her, they never met but they had an affair ???? come on people ..................... are married men, not allowed to talk to other women..............to be able to converse with them.
and how do you know they had an affair, did the write dirty or something ??? because the relationship was not consummated, so how was it an affair ????..............
are you fixating on this too much..................will you believe her whatever she said................ you have to get your head round this or it will torture you and either she or he just isnt worth it.....................at the end of the day, he needed to talk to her, but he loved you.................so what was that need that wasnt being fulfilled elsewhere or if you want rub salt in your own wounds, wasnt being fulfilled by you..............it doesnt appear to be sexual unless there is something you arent telling us ????
some men like to flirt, why cant you see this as merely a flirt situation................. HE LOVES YOU HE WANTS TO MARRY YOU !!!
and how do you know they had an affair, did the write dirty or something ??? because the relationship was not consummated, so how was it an affair ????..............
are you fixating on this too much..................will you believe her whatever she said................ you have to get your head round this or it will torture you and either she or he just isnt worth it.....................at the end of the day, he needed to talk to her, but he loved you.................so what was that need that wasnt being fulfilled elsewhere or if you want rub salt in your own wounds, wasnt being fulfilled by you..............it doesnt appear to be sexual unless there is something you arent telling us ????
some men like to flirt, why cant you see this as merely a flirt situation................. HE LOVES YOU HE WANTS TO MARRY YOU !!!
I speak from experience and have used this website throughout my (similar) problems with my ex.
We lived together for three years and were together for four. He had a 'problem' with the internet and used different sites to get the msn addresses for women (or sluts as I like to call them) and get as many dirty pics as he could. The thing thats similar is that he also lied about his background and life - although he did talk about me to some of the women he was closer with, I was lucky enough to see some of the conversations...
I forgave him for all this because I was scared/desperate to forgive him. Two years later, i see that he's planned a hotel to go meet a woman, probably one that he had been speaking to the whole time, but that's just speculation.
Even if I was able to get over the seedy side of things, the worst part was that I wasn't his ally any more, He didn't want to talk to me about any of the stuff that he was talking about with her. We were getting more distant and I knew that something wasnt right but he wouldn't talk to me. He was a coward, like your fella,
You don't deserve a coward or someone who doesn't want to confront his problems, I certainly don't. The good thing about this whole horrible situation is that after you start getting stronger and start thinking about someone new, you won't settle.
Good luck xxxx
We lived together for three years and were together for four. He had a 'problem' with the internet and used different sites to get the msn addresses for women (or sluts as I like to call them) and get as many dirty pics as he could. The thing thats similar is that he also lied about his background and life - although he did talk about me to some of the women he was closer with, I was lucky enough to see some of the conversations...
I forgave him for all this because I was scared/desperate to forgive him. Two years later, i see that he's planned a hotel to go meet a woman, probably one that he had been speaking to the whole time, but that's just speculation.
Even if I was able to get over the seedy side of things, the worst part was that I wasn't his ally any more, He didn't want to talk to me about any of the stuff that he was talking about with her. We were getting more distant and I knew that something wasnt right but he wouldn't talk to me. He was a coward, like your fella,
You don't deserve a coward or someone who doesn't want to confront his problems, I certainly don't. The good thing about this whole horrible situation is that after you start getting stronger and start thinking about someone new, you won't settle.
Good luck xxxx
An on-line relationship is certainly an affair. No, there's no physical contact, but if there are strong emotions and romantic intentions involved, especially in the span of a year, that's not acceptable to do when you're in a committed relationship with someone else. I also think emotional affairs are almost always precursors to physical ones. It's all on the cheating spectrum.
Men and women can have friends of the opposite sex. That's an entirely different topic and not what this was with my partner. He was trying to get something going with this other woman. This is about contacting someone on-line, flirting with them, constantly talking to them with the intention to be romantic (or in some cases sexual) and lying about all of this to your partner.
Cheating comes in many forms and an emotional affair, in my book, is very much cheating. As one person said, it can be even more painful.
Men and women can have friends of the opposite sex. That's an entirely different topic and not what this was with my partner. He was trying to get something going with this other woman. This is about contacting someone on-line, flirting with them, constantly talking to them with the intention to be romantic (or in some cases sexual) and lying about all of this to your partner.
Cheating comes in many forms and an emotional affair, in my book, is very much cheating. As one person said, it can be even more painful.
Mcvj, thanks. You are right. I do need a very strong partner and that's always been my situation with men. I get involved with people who aren't as strong in character or integrity. I don't have hate for my partner as I still love him, but I've been very angry, hurt, and disappointed in everything that's happened. I really thought we were stronger than that.
It's been difficult to process all of this and I am not sure what I'll do. I am torn.
It's been difficult to process all of this and I am not sure what I'll do. I am torn.
i contacted my exs tart.asked her What The Funicular she thought she was doing.she said it was all my own fault.so i got nasty.
she came over all hard and tough untill i called her mum and told her what her duaghter had been upto with a married man.
her mum and dad went nuts with her.
i then phoned her on her wedding day and made her cry.lol made me feel so good.
if she knew a little bit about you then she is just as much to blame as your oh.even if he didnt tell her everything.
in my eyes the only thing you need to ask yourself is "can you ever trust him again"?
you maybe able to forgive but you will never forget.it sits in your head whenhe goes out even to the shops or pub with mates.
sorry not much help .hope you find what your looking for.
she knew about me as she "had"my ex under pics of me and my boys.she even offered to be stepmum to my boys if he left me.
she came over all hard and tough untill i called her mum and told her what her duaghter had been upto with a married man.
her mum and dad went nuts with her.
i then phoned her on her wedding day and made her cry.lol made me feel so good.
if she knew a little bit about you then she is just as much to blame as your oh.even if he didnt tell her everything.
in my eyes the only thing you need to ask yourself is "can you ever trust him again"?
you maybe able to forgive but you will never forget.it sits in your head whenhe goes out even to the shops or pub with mates.
sorry not much help .hope you find what your looking for.
she knew about me as she "had"my ex under pics of me and my boys.she even offered to be stepmum to my boys if he left me.
Karma is a bitch. It surely is. My partner will get what's coming to him in bad energy. I believe it's happening now. He's had a lot of difficulty in other areas of his personal life and the bad luck streak seems unbelievable, lately. I'm not smug, just matter-of-fact, at the moment.
Again, I never wish for anything truly terrible to happen because I do care about him and he could have done worse like actually met her and got fully involved, but pay back is pay back by way of Karma.
As for the woman he had the on-line affair with?
Well, she'll certainly get what's coming to her, too. Indeed.
Why? She knew about us being together. Initially, she was lied to about his status but she should have backed off after finding out, but she didn't. She's not innocent at all after having knowledge. She's a big, lying coward as well, hiding in the dark. When I contacted her, she retreated and got intimidated, never responding back, but was bold enough to get involved otherwise.
Karma can be balanced out through confession to the wronged, clearance, confrontation, and reversing the negative energy. That takes courage, though.
Again, I never wish for anything truly terrible to happen because I do care about him and he could have done worse like actually met her and got fully involved, but pay back is pay back by way of Karma.
As for the woman he had the on-line affair with?
Well, she'll certainly get what's coming to her, too. Indeed.
Why? She knew about us being together. Initially, she was lied to about his status but she should have backed off after finding out, but she didn't. She's not innocent at all after having knowledge. She's a big, lying coward as well, hiding in the dark. When I contacted her, she retreated and got intimidated, never responding back, but was bold enough to get involved otherwise.
Karma can be balanced out through confession to the wronged, clearance, confrontation, and reversing the negative energy. That takes courage, though.
I'm confused as to what you want out of this
For him to cut contact with this other woman and for you and him to get back to normal
or
Something bad to happen to the two of them?
......also I hardly think that two people who are in contact over the internet but never met can be deemed to have 'cheated' or 'had an affair'
that's akin to saying that if an attached man verbally flirts with a woman in a pub then he has cheated
They may have exchanged messages over the internet but it's hardly a full blown tempestuous affair is it?
For him to cut contact with this other woman and for you and him to get back to normal
or
Something bad to happen to the two of them?
......also I hardly think that two people who are in contact over the internet but never met can be deemed to have 'cheated' or 'had an affair'
that's akin to saying that if an attached man verbally flirts with a woman in a pub then he has cheated
They may have exchanged messages over the internet but it's hardly a full blown tempestuous affair is it?
He's not in contact with her any longer.
Flirting with someone briefly in a pub for a moment in one day is certainly not the same as carrying on a full-on emotional affair for a year whilst in a committed relationship where one is engaged. Especially if there is great effort to cover it all up and keep things hush-hush. Also, he met her on-line on a dating site, scouting around and saying he was single. He contacted her. So you're saying this is A-OK for a partner to do in a serious relationship? None of that constitutes a form of cheating? On what planet?
Calling, replying to personal ad, texting, emailing, Skyping, sending pictures, trying to make plans to visit one another, lying about being single and available, talking about the possibilities of being in an in-person relationship, and more. Yeah, that's an affair in my book.
I don't buy the thinking that an affair can only be physical. Affairs can very much be emotional. Where are some people getting these ideas from, that affairs only take place when penetration or a kiss happens?
Emotional affairs also almost always lead to physical ones.
Flirting with someone briefly in a pub for a moment in one day is certainly not the same as carrying on a full-on emotional affair for a year whilst in a committed relationship where one is engaged. Especially if there is great effort to cover it all up and keep things hush-hush. Also, he met her on-line on a dating site, scouting around and saying he was single. He contacted her. So you're saying this is A-OK for a partner to do in a serious relationship? None of that constitutes a form of cheating? On what planet?
Calling, replying to personal ad, texting, emailing, Skyping, sending pictures, trying to make plans to visit one another, lying about being single and available, talking about the possibilities of being in an in-person relationship, and more. Yeah, that's an affair in my book.
I don't buy the thinking that an affair can only be physical. Affairs can very much be emotional. Where are some people getting these ideas from, that affairs only take place when penetration or a kiss happens?
Emotional affairs also almost always lead to physical ones.
