not sure how to react to this

[liquidspace]

Long story but have been with my partner of 8 years. We have had an up and down relationship and last year I left and moved to my own flat. He had been accepting lifts home from a female work colleague which turned into more, drinks, meals and eventually he had an affair with her. I moved out for 6 months and she came to what had been our home and they had sex in the front room a few times.

I had a relationship for 6 weeks but my partner kept pursuing me and eventually we realised we still had something between us. I have recently moved back with him and given up my flat. He still works with this woman and she is and always has been besotted with him. She is ten years older than him but very nice and wouldn't say boo to a goose.
He owes her money and had to see her yesterday and speak to her and paid her back a little of what he owes.

Today he says he has been told they have to work closely together (they are prison officers), they are to be sent out together with a prisoner. I feel very upset about this as I know she would do anything to be back with him and will probably see this as an opportunity. She will be all nice and put her make up on etc. He says he isnt interested anymore but I cannot help feeling that horrible sick feeling in my stomach...

[sara3]

what on earth do you think they might get up to, whilst escorting this prisoner?

[andy-hughes]

The bedrock of any relationship is trust, and this has been fractured by your partner's behaviour.

You have decided to give your relationship another go, and an essential part of that, is that you have to trust him.

If as he says, he is not interested, then nothing will happen, no matter how alluring his ex tries to make herself appear.

What you have to ask yourself is - do you really trust him, or are you going to worry every time he is out of sight?

If you cannot climb over the feeling that he will betray you again, then there is no future for your relationship.

You need time to heal, and get past this time in your life, and he needs to be very very supportive and understanding. If you do not feel these ingredients are in place - and they have to be to make a difficult time even possible - then you have to re-evaluate your chances of moving forward as a couple, or whether or not the damage is to deep to ever be repaired.

[lumination]

thats true, they are on duty so nothing would happen cause it if it they would lose their jobs.
but there is always that feeling that they have been with someone else, sometimes you just have to trust them but if you still get this sick feeling maybe you should say something? not straight up but maybe drop a hint or something?

when i want to find out something for example my sisters boyfriend used to text a lot and when he did he would face the screen away from her as if to be secretive, it got her a little upset but she didnt say anything. so i told her when he gets his phone out, you get yours out and point your screen away from his and just make a small comment like 'oh so secretive! who ya texting?' i think he then reliased it was bothering her and he does it less often now.

not quite sure if that helps but i guess what im trying to say is that if you want to tell him she bothers you, then let him know in a little way, like dont go right up to him and say 'should i worry about her' otherwise when ever he sees her thats al he will be abled to think about... ah i hope some of this at least helps you lol

[lumination]

also is he your Mr Right or is he your Mr Almost There? if you cant trust him fully then it may lead to a problem. x

[ummmm]

Trust him or move on. They are your only two options.

[Bbbananas]

I can absolutely understand how and why you feel this way liquid. However ultimately ummm is right - trust him again, or move on.

It cannot be easy for you though - knowing these two are still working together, so I do sympathise.

[ummmm]

There is nothing worse than feeling insecure. I'd rather be single...

[Bbbananas]

Me too...
Happily so ;-)

[liquidspace]

~thanks to everyone - your replies are all v helpful. In the end their "outing" was called off for another time. At the time of posting this my blood was rising quickly to my head but I've calmed down now, helped by your replies. :o)

[joko]

the night before he goes, put itching powder in his clothes...he will be irritable, itchy and red...and not in the least bit interested in her...nor she him i bet haha

[cazzz1975]

this is the problem with being in a relationship with a cheat ummm, you can never really trust them and deep down you will always feel a bit resentful because you cant trust them. They had it good and they ruined it, which in turn ruins the bond :/

[liquidspace]

Joko's answer could well have been a poem. He should have made his last line "and not want to jump in her bed" !

anyway he's also told me that she'd emailed him the night before about her feelings and how he said nice things to her that she now knows weren't true etc., basically feeling sorry for herself late at night. He told her not to email anymore. It annoys me that she cant get over him and how my partner is the subject of another woman's affections....even if they are unreturned. Guess I just have to put up with it. As long as I trust him that's all that matters.

[SarcasticStevie]

Guess I just have to put up with it. As long as I trust him that's all that matters?
So he had an affair and this woman is head over heels for him and wants him, and they work together, yet you trust him? After an affair?
Ill expect to see your name here again in several months crying that he's cheated on you or left you for this or other woman shall I?

[Jemisa]

and you went back with him????

FOOL. (but I can say that now because I had a similar situation in my youth)

jem

[Le Chat]

I will swing this question of trust around abit and say this; not do you trust him, but do you trust yourself to be able to handle it if it happens again? With her, or anyone else for that matter. This may sound odd but you need that inner trust of yourself to know that you would be able to cope. If you can't, then you need to re-evaluate.
He needs to do anything and everything to reassure you, until you don't need him to do it anymore.

[notnotnot]

I really feel for you and the pain you must have went through in finding out you had been cheated on. I really believe once a cheat, always a cheat. I'm going to be honest with you because I expect honesty from others but this man loved you in the first place & went off with someone else? why take him back? If he truely loved you, he would never have cheated and you wouldnt be in this situation anyway. Doubt will always be with you since he has proved he has the ability to cheat on you. I very much doubt you will be happy and I know you will love him but why stick with someone who wasnt 100% by you in the first place? I hope all this hasnt offended but I really do think you deserve so much better. Trust is like a mirror - once its broken, you can put it back together, but you will always see the cracks! Someone out there would respect you enough to stay faithful! Go find him!

[liquidspace]

I can see now that I didnt make my situation clear reading through my original question.
We have had an up and down relationship which I didnt go into as it would have made a v long story! I have cheated myself in the relationship, its been convaluted for a few years but the bottom line is that we love each other. Its a bit of a Richard Burton/Elizabeth Taylor thing I guess, firey! So its not really a case of once a cheat - always a cheat, doesnt always work like that. Anyway thanks again