nice one minute. Verbally abusive next

[primrosea]

I have been seeing this man on and off for a while. He can be really lovely. But if things do not go his way, he gets very verbally agressive. Dumps me, then sends me nasty verbally abusive texts. Pointing out all my insecurites. A few days later, he is charming again. I am starting to worry if its me who is in the wrong. As he says, its the way I behave? which makes him act this way. I dont think I act badly at all. Some of the things he says to me via text are vile. He is 46 and I am 48. I have taken him back so many times. Do I stay away from him now? before he ruins my self esteem completely?

[LoftyLottie]

I don't see this thread as a windup Sqad, am wondering why you think this way. I agree that people shouldn't be slagging off this bloke because we don't know anything about him. However, the relationship, whatever he is like, is obviously not good for primrosea as it is undermining her confidence completely. That to me is the whole crux of the matter.

[ummmm]

My point exactly Lottie...

[anneasquith]

yes, you stay away. a very uhealthy relationship for you to be in. and i think you know that.

[RATTER15]

Well said LL, I do however dish some blame out to this guy, if he is so disrespectful to her he obviously has little feeling for her and it sounds to me like he is using her. He needs out as well, if you cant treat a woman with respect, leave her!!

[zzxxee]

loftylottie the voice of reason!!!!! xxx

[Bobbisox]

Be on the recieving end of a Control freak aka a Bully,
then listen to his side!

[NOX]

I haven't ploghed through every answer on this thread so if someone has already said this my apologies, but two things occur to me about this.
The first is that in it's present form this is a very unhealthy relationship for both of you and if you're going to stay with this man then you need to have a brutally honest conversation about what the hell is going on. That or leave.
The second thing that occurs to me is that, in people who generally have low self esteem, they somtimes try to create scenarios that they are comfortable with, situations they know how to handle. You're man might not be used to a happy stable realtionship and might be pushing things into dysfunctional territory that he knows how to deal with. If that is the case then he needs your help, if you are committed enough to the relationship, if not then just end it as it can't go on as it is.

[LoftyLottie]

Ratter. Don't forget it works both ways. Some men suffer abuse at the hands of their womenfolk! ;o).

zzxxee "The voice of reason" ha, ha. I can dish out really sensible advice (hopefully). The problem is applying reason to my own problems!! xx

[LoftyLottie]

NOX - what a brilliant answer and so true. I know from experience you are right.

(I am not in a relationship like this by the way!!)

[NOX]

Hi lottie, thanks:) I was in a realtionship like that many years ago when I first got together with my wife and I was the bad guy, screwing everything up, getting angry for no reason, trying to dismantle everything that she was building on because I didn't know HOW to be happy, and to her credit she stuck with me and didn't throw me through the window (nearly a few times) and it did resolve itself once my lesser self had decided it wasn't all a trap to hurt me. I just don't feel that it's possible to comment on this guy too much because I don't know his history and he's really the key to the whole thing- he might be utterly besotted with her and just struggling with things that are nothing whatsoever to do with her and making a hell for himself because he knows how that all works.

[ummmm]

But NOX...would you send abusive text messages like that. Or sexual messages about your Ex?

[polyanna18]

These types of men do have a mental problem. I married a man who was when 'normal' was the most lovable and kind person, everybody said how good and considerate he was, then for no apparent reason, he would change and start to pick on me (I am a placid person normally) but no matter how you answered him, nothing I said was right (they were not arguments you would normally have with a normal partner over everyday things). Eventually, these episodes became more frequent and I found I was walking on eggshells everyday in fear he would change. We are now divorced and hopefully he does not know where I live - it has been 10 years now since we split but I still look over my shoulder every day when I go out. These men don't seem to realise what they are doing and once they say 'I'm sorry' and apologise think everything should be okay and be normal again. He gradually killed any love which I might have had for him through his actions. In the end, I knew I had to do something or it would have ended up by one of us killing the other.

[LoftyLottie]

NOX, I try when possible to stay away from the relationship issues on AB as best I can nowadays as I have realised that you can't judge from seeing one side only and things are never black and white.

You can give tea and sympathy but that's about all!!

Nice to see you on here again by the way. xxx

[RATTER15]

I totally agree LoftieLottie, I was one of those men, I have mentioned previously on here what I went through in that respect, and part of why I allowed these things to happen to me was because of the respect for my wife, I would never defend myself physically for fear of harming her, i was also never disrespectful to her and even if you read back through some of my old posts, I think you will find that I have even now never spoken about her disrespectfully.

My wife before her was unfaithful to me as well, but also I have never said anything disrespectful about her either.

If you cannot respect your partner you should leave, if you don't have respect for your partner, you have nothing worth holding on to.

IMHO!

[society]

LOL Lottie, On here I'd like to see you give someone tea. :-)

[primrosea]

I have just read all your replies. Thank you in particular ummmm. I wont go into great detail. But to squad. These outburts are more than just "an arguement". I did suggest him getting doctors help. I went with him. But he did nothing about it. Telling me afterwards, he didnt need all that f*cking rubbish.

I dont know how squad can think this is a wind up. Why?

Thank you everyone who took the time to read, and give me real advice. I really do appreciate it.

[primrosea]

Lastly, those of you who pointed out, you have only heard one side of the story. Yes, of course, you are right. He doesnt think he has a problem.

Will close this now. Thank you again, for your advice

[ummmm]

Hope you sort it out x

[joko]

you have answered your own questions really...you know what to do...

its important you assess your own behaviour too...to see if you are stoking the fire but if you are sure you havent caused any row then believe it, dont doubt yourself...and aside from that...even if you had caused the row...you still dont deserve the barrage of abuse.

obviously everyone is sayin get rid, and you probably should...but i know its hard and if you really do want to give him one last chance you must cut all ties...show him how it feels to truly lose you...ignore completly all contact for about 2 weeks....let him squirm and beg...let him see what he stands to lose....becasue its true that people often dont know what thyeve got til its gone.

but if it works and he becomes more loving etc...stand your ground and dont let him fall back into his old habits

i agree on the drugs commnets too

[joko]

i bet he has no idea jusy how much long term damage he is doing with these texts...he is just the sort of immature person who believes the key to 'winning' an argument is to be as nasty as possible and hurt the person in any way possible until they back down.
he is trying also to control you...hes hoping you will start to mould into his idea of what you should be

its childish but its how a lot of grown up behave when angry.