nice one minute. Verbally abusive next

[primrosea]

I have been seeing this man on and off for a while. He can be really lovely. But if things do not go his way, he gets very verbally agressive. Dumps me, then sends me nasty verbally abusive texts. Pointing out all my insecurites. A few days later, he is charming again. I am starting to worry if its me who is in the wrong. As he says, its the way I behave? which makes him act this way. I dont think I act badly at all. Some of the things he says to me via text are vile. He is 46 and I am 48. I have taken him back so many times. Do I stay away from him now? before he ruins my self esteem completely?

[primrosea]

joko, just wanted to reply to your answer. I have questioned my behaviour on many many occassions. To be honest, everytime. But nothing I have done, warrants the amount of abuse, and the filth he says.

He has contacted me, and sent an apology text (on monday) but I have not replied, nor do I intend to. One sorry text cannot wipe out the 20 plus vile ones.

I wont be going back with him again. I didnt have brilliant self esteem, in the first place, and the relationship was not doing it any good.

Shame, because when he was lovely, he was lovely. "When"!

Thankyou for taking the time to reply

[joko]

also, tackle him when things are good... if you try to talk when hes angry he will just get defensive.
dont accuse and 'tell him off', call him names etc....tell him how he makes you feel rather than saying 'you are this and you are that...'
be careful how you phrase things and be kind...as they say you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...

i have found in the past that sometimes people may object at the time...but the points you make often do sink in...an after theyve had time to digest what you have said, they will start to agree...only he can make these changes and sort himself out...you cannot tell people how to feel...you can only hope to inspire certain feelings in them...

this is all assuming that you believ he is worth the effort...if not...just move on...

[ummmm]

Good for you primrosea...

[juandelacruz]

Keep right away from him. Never, never, but never tolerate any kind of abuse of any sort at any level from any man. Get him right out of your life, don't take him back, don't let him come snivelling to you, don't ever see him again. Give him an inch and he'll take an ell. You will suffer more and more abuse until you are trapped. Live alone in freedom and dignity rather than like a whipped dog. Young women don't tolerate this any more - don't you tolerate it. Go, leave and Godspeed.

[raelgrin]

YES stay away...
I am a Police Officer and see his type all the time... Classic Domestic violence situation. He is breaking you until he will be able to get you to do anything you want and put up with whatever he wants... He will make you think that every bad thing he does is your fault...
RUN girl RUN...

[primrosea]

I just looked on here, to read my question, and see if there were any more replies, as i posted it a while ago. But thank you to juandelacruz, and raelgrin. I was going to contact police at one time, but thought they would just think it was rubbish. I did not get back with this man, though he has tried several times, which when I refused, I was bombared with more verbal abuse, which has dented my self esteem no end. I have also since, found out, that he was seeing other women, while he was with me. Thank you all again, for your time, and kindness x

[boxtops]

Good on you primrose - keep up your resolve to stay away, be strong, don't let him wheedle his way back in. You are worth more than that. You can always come back on here for a bit of moral support!

[primrosea]

thanks for that boxtops

[fredpuli47]

This is a textbook example of the dominating man who will ruin your life. I bet he'll soon be saying 'We don't need anyone else, just you and me'. If you start living with him, he will eventually say that
. it's a standard technique of such men to make the woman feel anything was her fault and to switch from nasty to nice in a moment. When he's got you feeling it's all your fault then you are trapped (but he'll forgive you for what was and is his fault, of course). I've had cases of women who were beaten to a pulp and who had been so brainwashed by such men that they genuinely believed being beaten up by the man was their fault. You see, they had been persuaded that they 'had made him act that way'
Now, it's only words at present. It may never become actual violence, but just having the woman so cowed that she can't leave the house or meet anyone without having to account for herself. Though, in general, there's some element of fear induced.

You've seen the early signs. You know what to do.

[primrosea]

Thankyou for your answer fredpuli47. Already he had been saying things like, "no one else will love you like I do" and when we finished, he would always cause an arguement, kick off , and then send "dump me texts" then would follow them up with, you are so ugly, no man will ever want you. You will spend your life alone, you sad b*tch. I started to think I was going mad, as I am, well like to think level headed.... then a few days later, I would get texts, saying, I am thinking of you constantly, please meet. Which,in hindsight, I was crazy to, but I did meet. And get back. I've not seen him since mid Sept, although like I said earlier, he did want to get back together. When I said, no, he then said, oh, thats OK, I've met someone else! this was within 2 weeks. Dispite his hideous treatment, I have found it very hard to get him out of my system, because he could be such a charmer. But I am not going back. And getting stronger each day. Thank you very much for taking the time to post