Do men feel the same?

[baggysenior]

i've seen the light! i've just been reading some of my older posts about my ex and i, and our turbulent relationship, and i can CLEARLY see a controlling pattern going on. I'm pretty confident that i was a victim of control, but hey, i was weak. I'm now feeling so much stronger, new house, left job, going to uni (as a mature student- oh im old!) but just when i'm thinking i'm over him, an eerie, gut wrenching feeling comes over me and thinks of him with another woman. I'm told that this is just a woman thing, but is it? do men (i mean men not boys) have that feeling or is it really a case of so long farewell, on to the next one(i appreciate all men aren't the same) it would be intresting to hear from a few men. Especially single ones because i'm newly single now so...... only joking! x

[arwyn]

I'v read quite a few of you'r latest posts and I'v so wanted to reply to you because I'v been where you are. please do not start a new relationship, it takes 2 years to get over a marrage breakup but you rushed into the next bloke when you'r head was all over the place, so that relationship was doomed from the start. Don't keep looking back, that relationship should only be looked at as a "well I sure was'nt ready was I" and so learn from it.
plough all you'r energy into you'r little girl, she will so be picking up on you'r sadness and deserves to have 100 % of her mammy.
Things will get better, keep busy, but dont spend time looking for another man, you so need time to recover.
I hope none of this upsets you because its not ment to, thats why I put off replying to you'r other posts...

[baggysenior]

i don't think i'll be 'the one' my ex thinks of for eternity, but its always nice to think you do hold that special place in someones heart. My ex had been married since 18 and divorced 6 years ago.He hated his ex. He said he'd never felt this way about a woman before he met me and that he truly loved me-(oh i fell for it) but i don't think love is acting the way he did with me. That's nasty. You're right to say Andy, that it is easy to slip back into the good times, and i have to pinch myself each time this happens- which is frequently. Maybe he will have regrets, i would hope he did after just texting me to say our relationship was over after 2 yrs. Thats not adult behaviour is it? i deserved an explanation, just to leave me after only 24hrs before telling me loved me lulled me into a false sense of security. By him not telling me what i've done is punishing me every day because i constantly wonder what on earth i did wrong?
Perhaps it genuinely is me and the men i attract. I'm too vunerable and way too sensitive of others emotions. Time to start looking after no.1 :) Andy - interested to know what you think?

[ummmm]

My Ex still loves me. It's gone past the stage of hurt though. He still checks on me every now and then just to make sure I'm Ok....he's now happy that I'm happy.

[DTCwordfan]

I have come off a divorce after 18 years of marriage - not easy as I am here and the ex with my two girls is overseas. Things became more bitter after the divorce than before. The one thing that still rankles that she didn't give me any notice that she was thinking of this route, just had me served.

Yes, it takes two to tango. The main cause was financial security as I was involved with others in setting up a fairly substantial new start up and we ran into the wall as the banks turned off the taps, just as we were raising the funds. Also, I think that she found the new world somewhat scary having led quite a life of riley having had a very good job with a well known company and that we had worked overseas as well. Spolit perhaps.

With another man - yes I have had those thoughts I admit, not so much now though. With another woman and there is some evidence of that, I am more relaxed and I know that is not logical. Actually our sex life was at its best in the last three years and she was becoming more adventurous, so probably I was more accepting of a girlfriend.

I am still single and just now ready to start dating again.

[joeluke]

What's the point in pining for exes?

Lifes for living, move on

Otherwise new partners will always be 2nd best in your eyes

[baggysenior]

thanks arwyn for your reply to my question, you didn't upset me but i appreciate your concern. I'm having a low day today, thinking about the what if's, will he?, will i? so i'm re-reading the responses to my questions to boost my self esteem. I find that usually does the trick. Women and hormones ARGHH. men? ARGH. bet noone wants to be around me today? pity my poor patients. lol x

[andy-hughes]

joeluke - there is no 'point' in pining for ex's.

Emotions do not follow simple rules - wish they did, but they don't.

[baggysenior]

andy-hughes- never a truer word spoken.:-)

I wish emotions were 'points'.
Days would seem much easier if that were the case.
I also wish I had the ability to turn off my own needs.
I feel such a selfish lady when I see the TRUE emotional pain some are going through.
Life is so precious.
When I see grief and pain on the faces of my patients, I feel my pain is so unjustified.
For a moment I put it all into perspective, and then sink as my hurt begins to swallow me again.
Doesn't it seem that when you're trying to forget about someone or something, you have constant reminders all around? I was lying in bed last night, just after a tearful 30mins to myself, I was intermittently huffing as I got over the tears and then the two main characters went to a place in Scotland that just so happened to be my ex's surname! I can laugh about it now, but I somehow think we subconsciously look out for these reminders.
I'm strong, but I wish someone could tell me when I’ll forget.
I enjoy speaking to you all.

[joeluke]

But what's the point of pining for someone you know you can never have again?

Think about them yes, but don't let it become an obsession

[ummmm]

Joe - not everyone can switch off their emotions. To some it is completely out of their control...I'm lucky I'm not one of them.

[ludwig]

You say that like it's a choice joeluke, but it isn't.

[sara3]

I remember hearing this.. in a relationship, the one who cares least has all the power.

[joeluke]

ummmm......people like that can never commit themselves 100% to any future partners then, because this ex-love will always be on their mind

[cazzz1975]

this is why the cycle continues, eventually you give into your irrational feelings and waste another few years in the same bad relationship.

you actually have to discipline your brain a bit to stop these thoughts when they start, this pattern of behaviour is doing you no favours and will prevent you moving on properly. I really hope you can move on eventually and gain some strength, but as long as you keep indulging in these thoughts, it wont happen,

[sara3]

joeluke.. the same for a bereavement? what's the point in being upset?

[joeluke]

sara.....surely bereavement is different?

You wouldn't be wondering who your ex is with, what they are doing, do they still think about you etc

[ummmm]

Joe - eventually you move on, get over it. I can only compare it to bereavement, like Sara says, it is very similar.

I would presume that someone who is still in love with an ex would not get into a committed realtionship..

[ummmm]

I suppose there is that point Joe...still very similar emotions though.

[joeluke]

Agreed.......but you also wouldn't harbour thoughts of one day being with them again

[baggysenior]

yes you're right cazzz1975 it's all to do with training the brain. I'd be inclined to go with the statement- the person who cares the least has the most power.- that i willingly give to him, as i do care, however, his power is only any good if i continue the cycle of going back. I took the first step of breaking this, by saying i WILL NOT allow you to kick me to the floor again. He hasn't. I'm up and running. It seems to me emotions can be very black and white for some people. I don't know whether i'm sad for them or long to be like them. Its nice to see that some of the men on here are the ones that seem to display an understanding of emotions....not just us women as is commonly thought! x