Husband Doesn't Know Whether to Leave, All Very Confusing ...

[buffymad]

I'll try and keep this short so I dont run out of space but feel free to ask questions.

I've been with my husband for 22 years (nearly) who I love very much and vice versa. We've had bad arguments on and off for a year and a half (with a very happy 5 or 6 months in between). All to do with another woman being over friendly, texting all the time and sending flirty texts (he knows now he should have put a stop to it sooner but at the time didnt see anything wrong coz as far as he was concerned, it meant nothing to him). It changed me and it changed him and I've kept some of the bad traits from all that - suspicious, questioning, tone of voice etc.

I've always thought everything was fine, we always seemed to bounce back but apparently he's been unhappy for a long time (coz of all the arguments). Brought to a head after xmas when he went very quiet on me. I was started all the conversations and being bright and bubbly, struggled to get anything back. He had a day off and went off to think. Came back and said he was so unhappy, couldnt see any way forward but to possibly split up.

This was a bolt out of the blue for me. I was devastated. He was shocked this had never crossed my mind before. He said he needed to think. He talked to a few people and actually said he wasnt going anywhere and would "try" while he was thinking. Seemed to be okay on and off but obviously I was really upset and kept talking to/at him, trying to convince him to stay.

Hold on, more to come ...

[LoftyLottie]

Of course you were there talking. And rightly so. This bloke wants it all his own way. You seem to be blaming yourself for his wrong doings. Come on - fight back! Debbz is right. Show him what he is missing and when he wants you back tell him 'No'. Still think he's a very weak fella!!

[buffymad]

Red Helen - I know, dont worry. I've had my say with him believe me. He kept saying the problem had been with us (true) and this "bit" at the end wasnt really anything to do with it. OH YES IT IS MATEY!!! He got a slap for that by the way ...

Ummm - he admitted to the flirty texts from the other (first - god that sounds bad!) woman. Said he thought they were a bit over the top but he wouldnt act on them so wasnt bothered. Didnt reply in the same vein to her. But yeah, all that attention would have been an ego boost.

Sqad - nice to know you never change!!

PS - He said if he had the money to go away on his own with the dog (which I've kept, no way is he taking him away), he would. Maybe I should give him the money, haha!

[Sqad]

Lofty...LOL...LOL...tell me you are joking.

He will as k you to come back and she will say NO.......LOL LOL

He will say "Great, I´m off".....which he had wanted all the time.......come on lofty.

[mouse8]

Are you sure he is not seeing another women?

[Sqad]

mouse 8

<<<<Are you sure he is not seeing another women?<<<

LOL LOL this thread is getting better and better.

[buffymad]

Mouse8 - apart from who I've mentioned, no!!!

Lofty/Debbz - blimey, not sure I can walk in killer heels anymore, haha!!

(Getting cheered up now!)

[DEN53]

buffy - perhaps he is in love with the fact that this woman finds him attractive and is sending him these flirty text messages. I wonder if she really does want him, warts and all, or is just playing with him.

[LoftyLottie]

That was the idea Buffy!! I hope Sqad isn't taking me too seriously.

But seriously, try not to sit around whilst he makes his mind up at his mothers. Contact some friends get out and about. There is life without men (we are better than they are and better off without them!!) ;o)

[buffymad]

Lofty - you're bloody right there!!

Back to the grindstone now before I get sacked!! Will see what scary answers I have on here later!

DEN - she wasnt the one who was sending him flirty text messages. Just told you about that so you knew why we started arguing originally (basically barely ever argued in all the years before that).

[LoftyLottie]

Men are little boys really, Buffy. They never grow up!! He is flattered and it's gone to his head. Think of something that really annoys you about him every time you feel upset about this. Think of some of his really horrible habits that drive you mad!!

[Sqad]

lofty

<<<There is life without men (we are better than they are and better off without them!!)<<<<
;o)

Tell that to the women who frequent the Dating Sites.;-)

[DEN53]

Buffy - 22 years married or not, his clothes would be in a bin bag on the front lawn with weekend access to the dog only. Life too short to be humiliated. xx

[LoftyLottie]

I don't know any women who frequent dating site Sqad. I do however know some men who do!!

I am in feminist mode today!! We don't need you lot - you just cause us grief. You are alright for doing jobs around the house and for a bit of fun on occasions. But other than that no bloody use at all!!

[LoftyLottie]

Buffy.

Get his Mum to sort him out!! I could never respect anyone who goes back to his mother. ;o)

[merciasounds]

Sounds like a mid-life crisis man thing to me..'The grass is greener' syndrome - you said it yourself, 'she' was being nice and uber friendly while you were ranting at him, not that ranting was wrong, a woman sending flirty texts to a married man should have been nipped in the bud by him - but no, he felt flattered, same as now he thinks that instead of being happy with his lot, he's still 'attractive' to the opposite sex. And lets face it, you might be devastated, but you couldn't have been happy with the arguements after a while either You say you love him, which i can understand, you can't turn feelings off and on like a tap, BUT could you trust him again? You say that's lots of changes would have to be made if you were to get back together - would your husband be happy to move/change jobs etc - would you? If you think, and think honestly that you would always be suspicious, always worrying if it was going to happen again, then you'll give yourself ulcers with worry. Information is power - find out how you would stand financially if you were to part, and don't be afraid to ask questions, it's a relationship - two people - you shouldn't have to sit around waiting to see what he decides, you have a life, you'd love it to be with him, but you're not going to wait forever. Give him three months say, and if he's still undecided by then, well...you know what you must do - dress to kill and let him know what he's missing. Good luck

[Sqad]

<<<<Get his Mum to sort him out!! I<<<<LOL

<<<<<I don't know any women who frequent dating site Sqad. I do however know some men who do!! <<<<

I do...both sexes....the women looking for meaningful relationships and men looking fo a bit of spare.

Girls.....I know you mean well....I really do.....but the bottom line is that buffy and hubby will have to sort this out themselves.

[LoftyLottie]

Excellent post Mercia!! Dead right

[DEN53]

I have a friend whose husband cheated on her twice, once when their son was 4 - she took him back - trust was built up over a period of a few years, they moved house, she trusted him enough to fall pregnant again. He cheated again, when her daughter was 3 - she was a broken woman. I picked her up, dusted her down, we joined evening classes etc, she built up confidence.

After a lot of tears and self doubting, she divorced him. A year later, she met a lovely man, and has now been married for 15 years. Always light at the end of a tunnel, Buffy.

He was a semi-pro football player, so also thought he was gods gift to women. He tried it on with me once, but got so far knocked back, literally, he never came near me again.

I know this is a different set up to your situation, Buffy, but don't sell yourself short.
Get Rid.

[woofgang]

Sorry but this thread is classic cliche bingo
"I can change"
Nothing happened
He' s confused
He's really very deep and complicated
Flirty texts
He know's he's done wrong
We only need he says it's not me it's him to have full house and the bar steward's mega jackpot
Mercia (hi Mercia nice to see you back) has it right. Start taking control here......

[woofgang]

And btw, it's not up to him if he stays, it's up to you if you let him stay!!!!!