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My girl cant get over me having had a child with an Ex. Will this ever change??
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My grilfriend loves me very much, this i know for sure. She has great trouble dealing with the fact that i have had a child with another woman previously. We are 33 and 32 years old. I have recently been told that i have MS and that i can receive treatment for it, though this will mean injections for 5 years and i will be unable to have kids during this time. My girlfriend is devastated that this will mean no kids for us. I have one son of 5, she has a son of 2 years and two girls aged 6 and 10. I have been trying to tell her that there is no definites in life and that we could well have kids at a later date but she is convinced this is the end of that story. Due to me having a kid with my ex she says she has trouble dealing with my son, she says when she see's him it reminds her of my ex and feels resentment towards him. She does love my son but hates it when i defend him as she says he is treated as a precious "golden child". I feel i cant win because i am providing a new house for us and our kids, i have taken on a new job which is allowing us to do all the things we want. Yet i cant change my past and keep getting punished for it. I know she hates the way she reacts to me and knows its a jealousy thing and feels rejected because i chose somebody else to have a child with. The truth is i has an unplanned child with somebody after a very short period of time so i didnt in fact choose anything, i just did the right thing and wanted to be part of the childs life. I did move in with the woman in question while she was pregnant to help look after her but i think that has come back to bite me on the arse! Thats what you get for being nice i guess.
SO really what my question is, is what can i do to help my girlfriend accept the situation or at least help her deal with the situation better. I just want her to be happy with me.
SO really what my question is, is what can i do to help my girlfriend accept the situation or at least help her deal with the situation better. I just want her to be happy with me.
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Whilst I can understand that she is disappointed that you can't have a child together, you have got four between you. You appear to treat her children well with no sense of resentment. She should be standing by whilst you deal with your illness. Personally, I think I would be inclined to tell her to grow up or bu$$er off.
Agree with Woofy, and if she can't accept it then you really have to seriously consider whether your relationship can go on whilst there is this resentment. You are doing your best for her and her family and you are doing your best for your son. You can't do anything else more than you are doing already.
If there are to be no kids and this really is your girlfriends priority then you may be better off without her. It is not as if she doesn't have children already and I think she is putting far too much pressure on you.
Good luck.
If there are to be no kids and this really is your girlfriends priority then you may be better off without her. It is not as if she doesn't have children already and I think she is putting far too much pressure on you.
Good luck.
She isn't a bitch, and you needn't tell her to get lost....but you do have to make plain that you do your best to treat both your own son,and her 3,equally. ....just as you would expect her to do the same.
Your best bet may be to seek couples counselling...as it stands now-you are both too close to the situation,and it may be difficult to be objective.
As for the chance of having your own child eventually....she should see that even when the 5 years have passed, she will certainly have plenty of time left to have one then.
Your best bet may be to seek couples counselling...as it stands now-you are both too close to the situation,and it may be difficult to be objective.
As for the chance of having your own child eventually....she should see that even when the 5 years have passed, she will certainly have plenty of time left to have one then.
Thanks for all your responses. I know the easy option is to leave her, but i love her and want my future with her. I just find it terribly frustrating when i cant help her feel better about the situation. My ex was horrible to me for a number of years before i met my girlfriend and she helped me see that i dont need to take any grief off my ex. I used to get threatened with my child being taken away. I guess she hates my ex for what she has done to me and feels gutted that i had a child with my ex and not her. She knows it is stupid and she hates the jealousy. She knows she is the happiest she has ever been and that this issue is stopping her from being content. Her previous partner was violent and ruined her both emotionally and finanically. I think some of this reaction is becuase she thinks how dare my ex treat me like she did when i am a very good dad and if only she knew how bad it could be. My girlfreind wishes my son was ours and me being told i cant have children for 5 years has made her feel like she is not good enough. To be honest she agrees that now is not the right time for us to have a kid anyway, i just think its being told you cant for 5 years at the age we are drastically reduces the chance of it ever happening.
Some of these replies strike me as very harsh...at least she has been honest with you about her feelings. The main thing is that she is nice to your son and doesn't let him feel as if he is the cause of any resentment. How long have you been together? I was a bit like this when I got together with my boyfriend over 6 years ago - I didn't have any children and I couldn't get my head aroud the fact that he had a child with someone else. It was the thought of him going through the pregnancy and birth with her that drove me mad, obviously it was based on insecurity but we're all only human. I thought I would always struggle with it but over the years it just faded away and I never think that way. I can't say if I'd have felt the same if I had children of my own, and certainly the fact that we have now got a child together does change things...I no longer feel like his ex was the mother of his child and therefore the most important woman in his life! Give your girlfriend a chance and show you understand. She might just be freaked out by your illness. Obviously if she is ever mean to your son then you will have to think again. I hope it works out for you.
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