It's all kicking off. What would you do?

[Ratty2E]

MIL was in hospital earlier this year with pneumonia along another very resistant lung infection and was also diagnosed with COPD. She had been a smoker for 50 odd years and obviously quit. We have just found out that she has started smoking again, Hubby went ballistic and wants to have strong words with her. He confronted FIL about it, who by the way is buying them for her as she never walked to a shop even before all this, and it kicked off.
Hubby was told it's none of his business and he is not to say anything to her to upset her. It seems the fact that everyone else is upset and worried doesn't matter. Unfortunately of the 4 kids only my hubby has so far actually voiced his opinion despite the other feeling the same way. I'm keeping out of it at the moment but I'm not one for holding my tongue so it's difficult. Trouble is despite being practically 50 years old FIL talks to hubby like he's a kid and can be quite bullying. No one wants a rift but it got very heated this morning. Is it unreasonable to be hurt and upset by this?

[paddywak]

Of course it's not unreasonable to be upset but you must remember the people concerned are not only adults but your husbands parents, used to telling him what to do, not the other way round. All you can do is tell them what you feel and hope for the best, you can't make them do what you want.

[anneasquith]

MIL has chosen to start smoking again, there is no point in arguing with her or FIL, your OH is obviously concerned for his mothers health, but shouting and arguing will not achieve anything,

[painterman32]

- Let the doctors do the bullying - could your husband AND siblings have a quiet word with the doctor to have a word with your FIL? Spell it out it's pointless them treating her, if her smoking is going to exacerbate the problem. Giving up isn't easy, but there are so many different ways such as patches etc, and I'm sue the doctors will help.

[ummmm]

None of your business....sorry x

[China Doll]

While worrying, the mother in law is an adult and capable of making her own decisions. It's obviously really upsetting for your other half but it's also not really his business other than he wants the best for his mum. If his mum is at odds with that then she's entitled to make her own decisions, even if they do appear selfish to the rest of the family.

[anneasquith]

no doctor is going to discuss a patient^s " choice " with siblings and FIL !

[ladybirder]

The doctor doesn't have to discuss it, just needs to be given the facts and then left to the doc to decide what action to take.

[Ratty2E]

Frankly if she wants kill herself then that's up to her as far as I'm conerned. But obviously hubby is upset as it is his mother and he had to watch her suffering and struggling to breathe only a few months ago, not knowing for sure if she'd even be coming home. I am more angry about the way he's been treated by his father, who you would think would be wanting his wife to live as long as possible not helping her with her stupid, selfish behaviour. He obviously isn't happy about it himself which is why he launched an unprevoked attack on hubby this morning. We are all supposed to be going on holiday together next week, that'll be fun.

[anneasquith]

with all the friction......... i dont think " anyone " will enjoy the holiday !

[karenmac60]

She's a grown up, it's her choice. Butt out and let her get on with it.

[albaqwerty]

Sorry Eddie, can't help.

My MIL smoked for years and years. MS, angina multiple strokes.

She did try to give up lots of times with the encouargement of my FIL, her 4 chikldren (adults) and son and daughters-in law.

However it wasn't to be and unfortunately it became one of her few 'pleasures'

[tigerlelly]

Perhaps your FIL saw it as an attack rather than as an expression of concern and love for your MIL; you did say your OH confronted his father. Could your OH not tell his mother (and father) that he is afraid of losing her and ask her please to try to give up? He could always put it in a letter if FIL isn't receptive to talking.

[karenmac60]

The thing is Eddie, you can't stop someone smoking. If that's what your wife wants to do then she'll do it. At the most, she might tell you she's quit but continue behind your back for a quiet life. Some people find it easy but others just can't do it. A colleague's husband had his larynx removed due to throat cancer and she said there were others who had had the same op and were standing outside the hospital smoking through the holes in their necks. Nagging her about it won't achieve anything - it may be more likely to make her light up in fact. I sympathise with you, but it's her choice, and while she will know how much it upsets you and what it's doing to her health, if she can't quit she can't quit. Has she tried the electric cigarettes though? It's supposedly still like smoking and she will still be getting her fix of nicotine, but without all the other stuff. Might be worth a try.

[paddywak]

You'll never get a person to give up if they don't want too. Last year we lost a very good friend to cancer and despite the efforts of family and friends she smoked like a chimney almost to the last day, as she told Trish shortly after being told her cancer was terminal "Well there's no point in packing in now, is there"

[Ratty2E]

Thank you for all your opinions. It's easy to say let her get on with it, which I have done myself, but not so easy to do when it's someone you love. Personally I don't think she'll ever give up. If what she went through recently was'nt motivation enough then nothing will be. She's always believed she knows better than everyone else including doctors, so I don't think talking to her will cut any ice. We have been very supportive to both of them whilst she was in hospital and since but I now feel that if you're not prepared to help yourself then you're on your own.

[coccinelle]

For many people who have smoked for many years, cigarettes become like friends. Giving them up sometimes makes you feel you're letting them down. If you've never smoked you won't know what I'm talking about. On getting home and in her own environment she probably felt like a smoke but 'just one'. Your FIL won't be happy with himself allowing her that 'just one' which has got her back to smoking. As someone else said the only way she'll give up indefinitely is when she decides. Pressure from outside is extra stress and she knows she'll be restless, agitated and will make your FIL's life a misery for a while. She needs your support at the moment and once she feels less stressful about all what she's going through she might think of giving up for good. Be supportive and help her through this. Giving up smoking is very hard, I can tell you...

[Ratty2E]

Thank you Cocinelle, I know giving up is hard, most members of the family have been smokers in the past and a couple still are. She had not actually had a cigarette for months after leaving hospital. Those of the family who do still smoke even went as far as showering and changing their clothes so as not to smell of smoke near her, she's not been short of support.